Jokes thread

haunted, funny joke & a very funny list.

haunted said:
>8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
>"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

Btw, osmosis refers to the diffusion of water, so unless you're 'eating' water, this is incorrect.

Such a smartass.....
*slaps himself*
 
nothing personal people, just thought those jokes were funny.
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Q: Why is the black power sign a clenched fist?
A: So they dont fall off the trees.

Q: Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q: What's the best thing about fucking homeless girls?
A: When you're done, you can drop 'em off anywhere.

Q: What did Hitler Give his Daughter for Christmas?
A: An easy bake oven.

Q: Why did hitler kill himself?
A: He got his gas bill.

Q: What do fags call their balls?
A: "Mud flaps"

Q: What happens when you stick your hand in a bowl full of black jelly beans?
A: You get your watch stolen.

Q: Whats long and hard on a black man?
A: The first grade.

Q: What's the difference between a black man and Batman going to a deli?
A: Batman can go to a Deli without Robin!

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toy box?
A: She sat on Pinocchio' s face and said "lie to me!"

Q: What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann with the Pillsbury dough boy?
A: Ared headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q: What happened when the jew walked into the wall with a hard-on?
A: He broke his nose.

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up like an altarboy.

Q: What do you call 40 mexicans buried up to their neck in sand?
A: A spicket fence.

Q: What do you call a school bus full of black people?
A: A rotten banana.

Q: Why can't stevie wonder read?
A: Because he's black.

Q: How long does it take for a black woman to take a shit?
A: Nine months.

Q: What do you call a bunch of Mexicans in a swimming pool?
A: Bean dip.

Q: Whats the difference between a Catholic Priest and acne?
A: Acne doesn't come on a boys face untill after hes thirteen.

Q: What do you do when your dishwasher doesn't work?
A: Slap her.

Q: Whats black and drips down the window?
A: Coondensation

Q: What do you call a bunch of white guys running down a hill?
A: An avalance.
Q: What do you call a bunch of black guys running down a hill?
A: A mudslide
Q: What do you call a bunch of mexicans running down a hill?
A: A jailbreak

Q:Why do black people have white palms???
A:Because theres a little bit of good in everyone!

Im not racist i have a color tv.

Q: Why does helen keller masturbate with one hand?
A: So she can moan with the other

Q: What do Ethiopeians use for deoderant?
A: Chapstick

Q: Why are black peoples palms white?
A: Cuz they were up against the wall when god was spray painting them.

Q: Did you hear about the chinese couple that had a retarted baby?
A: Yea, they named it, Sum Ting Wong!!


Q: What do black people get when they pick thier nose?
A: Noogers!!

Q: Have you heard about the new car designed by the Jews?
A: It stops on a dime and then picks it up

Q: What do u call 4 mexicans in quicksand?
A: Cuatro sinco.

Q: How many irish to screw in a light bulb?
A: 2, one to hold it in place and the other to drink intill the room spins.


Q: Did you hear about the two car pile up in Mexico?
A: 200 Mexicans died.


Q: What does the human race and jelly beans have in common?
A: Nobody likes the Black ones.

Q: How do you know if an italian has been in your back yard?
A: If your garbage is knocked over and your dog is preagnent.

Q: What's the difference between a black man and a pizza?
A: A pizza can feed a family of 4


Q: How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None,they just sit in the dark and bitch

Q: What is the difference between a Russian and a bag of shit?
A: Nothing

Q: Why do Jews have big noses?
A: Because air is free.

Q: How long does it take a black woman to take a shit?
A: 9 Months

Q: Why do Black people have sex doggy style?
A: So they can both watch Soul Train!

Q: What's a homless woman use for a vibrator?
A: Two flies in a bottel.


Q: How's a packie keep the flies off her food?
A: Opens her legs.

Q: Why was helen keller such a bad driver?
A: She was a woman

Q: Do you wanna hear a joke?
A: Women's Rights.


Q: What is a nickname for a chinese person?
A: Sleepwalker.

Q: How can you tell when an Etiopian is pregnant
A: Her tampon is half eaten

Q: What does a Red Neck say right before he dies?
A: Hey!, Ya'll Watch This!!

Q: Whats the new definition for mass confusion?
A: Fathers day in harlem.

Q: whats the difference between a black man and a bike?
A: your bike doesnt start singing when you put chains on it


Q: whats the difference between real Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A: it only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

Q: Why shouldn't women have driver's licenses?
A: There's no roads between the kitchen and the bedroom.

Q: What do you call a Mexican with a sunburn?
A: A REFRIED BEAN

Q: What do you call a white Orgy?
A: A snowball
Q: What do you call a Black Orgy?
A: Mud Wrestling
Q: What do you call a Mexican Orgy?
A: FAMILY REUNION!

Q: Did you hear about the Taliban members that they found in Harlem?
A: They caught Bin Stealin', Bin Rapin' and Bin' Bangin'. However, Bin Workin' is still at large.

Q: What's the difference between a Jew and a Canoe?
A: A canoe tips


Q: What do 3 million abused women do wrong every year?
A: They dont fucking listen

Q: What do you call a black priest?
A: Holy shit

Q: What's the worst thing about eating vegetables?
A: Putting them back in the wheelchair when you're done.

Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?
A: Kick his sister in the chin.


Q: What do you do when you see someone having a seizure in a bathtub?
A: Throw in a load of dirty laundry.


Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The
other is used to carry groceries.


Q: How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?
A: Call her on the phone.

Q: What did the pedophile say when he was released from prison?
A:"I feel like a kid again."

Q: What do you get when cross an Italian with a gorilla?
A: A retarded gorilla.

Q: What's the difference between a gay man and a
freezer?
A: Freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothing you already done told her twice.

Q: Why could Jesus walk on water?
A: Shit Floats.

Q: What do you get wne you cross a black man and a
mexican.
A: A person who's too lazy to steal.

Q: (hold hands out like a crucifiction) What's this?
A: A really bad way to spend easter

Q: What was good about the million man march?
A: Only three people missed work.

Q: What do you do when your womans watch breaks?
A: Nothing there's a clock on the stove.

Q: Why aren't there any puerto ricans on Star Trek?
A: They won't work in the future either.

Q: How do you fit 4 queers on a barstool?
A: Flip it upside-down.

Q: What do you call a blacks in a sleeping bag?
A: Snickers.
Q: What do you call two blacks in a sleeping bag?
A: Twix.
Q: What do you call a black and a white girl in a sleeping bag?
A: Rape.

Q: What's the useless skin around a vagina called?
A: The woman.

Q: Why are KFC and a woman the same?
A: When you're done eating them all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Q: How do you keep an indian out of your back yard?
A: Move the trash cans to the front.

Q: Why did God give women three more brain cells than cows?
A: So they don't shit on the floor while doing the dishes.

Q: Why is tylenol white and not black?
A: It works.

Q: What do you call an ethiopian with buck teeth?
A: A rake.

Q: What do you call an ethiopian wearing a turban?
A: Aq-tip.

Q: What's this? (pinches skin on both sides of neck)
A: An ethiopian eating a cornflake.

Q: Why do they put shit around the church at a packy wedding?
A: To keep the flies off the bride.

Q:How do you stop 5 black guys from raping a white girl?
A:Throw them a basket ball.

Q: What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
A: Full


Q: What does FUBU really stand for?
A: Farmers Use'ta Beat Us.

Q:Whats the difference between a pakie & a bucket of shit?
A:The bucket.

Q:What do you call a pakie with a wooden leg?
A:Shit on a stick.

Q:What do you call a pakie with two wooden legs?
A:A waste of wood.


Q: What do you call an ethiopian jumping off a cliff?
A: A chocolate drop.

Q: How do you get 100 jews into a car?
A: Throw a quarter in it.
Q: How do you get them out again?
A: Tell them Hilter is driving.

Q: What do you call two ethiopians in a sleeping bag?
A: Twix.

Q: How do you get 100 ethiopians into a phone box?
A: Throw a tin of beans in.
Q: How do you get them out?
A: Run past with a tin opener.

Q: Why do arabian women put a red dot on their foreheads?
A: Helps for better aiming.

Q: What do you do after you rape a 12 year old deaf dumband blind girl?
A: Brake her fingers so she cant tell her mom.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico enter the Olympics?
A: Because all their best runners, jumpers and swimmers are in America.

Q: How did the Grand Canyon get there?
A: Two Jews dropped a quarter down a gopher hole.

Q: How do you kill a redneck?
A: Wait 'till he fucks his sister then cut the brakes on his house.

Q: How do you kill 100 Ethiopians?
A: Throw a Biscuit off a clif.

Q: How do you kill 100 Mexicans?
A: Blow up their van.

Q: What do you call five Mexicans on the bottom of a pool?
A: Sinko


Q: What's black and blue and hates sex?
A: A rape victim.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.

Q: What did the little black boy say when he got diarrhea?
A: I'm melting!

Q: Why do black people smell?
A: So blind people can hate them too.

Q: What do you call a fat chinese person?
A: Achunk.

Q: What did the little Mexican boy get for christmas?
A: My bike.

Q: How are fat bitches and Mo-peds the same?
A: They are both fun to ride, but you don't tell your friends about them.

Q: How many house wives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None! what the Fuck they doing out of the kitchen!?

Q: How do you blindfold a chinese person?
A: Dental floss.

Q: What's the difference between a jew and a pizza?
A: A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven!

Q: How many jews can you fit in a VW Beetle?
A: 54, two in the front, two in the back, and fifty in the ashtray.

Q: Why do black people play basketball?
A: They can run, shoot, and steal

Q:What did Adolf Hitler get his neice for her birthday?
A: An easy bake oven.

Q:What would the Jetsons be called if they were black?
A: Niggers.

Q: What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?
A: On St. Patrick's Day, everyone wants to be Irish.

Q: What do you call an Ethiopian on a hunger strike?
A: Ethiopian

Q: Why don't Puerto Ricans have check books?
A: Because it's impossible to sign your name that small with spray paint.

Q: How do you know when a redneck has her period?
A: She's only wearing one sock.

Q: Who are the two most famous black women?
A: Aunt Jemima and Mother Fucker.

Q: What's long, black and smelly?
A: An unemployment line.

Q: What do you call a Puerto Rical midget?
A: A spec.

Q: What's the difference between a British man and his girlfriend?
A: His girlfriend has a higher sperm count.

Q: Why is there so little Puerto Rican literature?
A: Because spray paint wasn't invented until 1949.

Q: What did Dodi Al-Fayed say to his driver the morning before the crash?
A: Do you want to go out with me and Di tonight?

Q. How do you know if a Chinese person robbs your house?
A. Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later, the fucker is still trying to back out of your driveway.

Q: What's the difference between a black man and a pizza?
A: A pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: Why is it so hard for Mexican women to get pregnant?
A: Because as soon as the sperm enters the cell it tries to hang itself.

Q: How do you starve a Mexican?
A: hide his foodstamps under his workboots.

Q: What's the first thing a redneck says after losing her virginity?
A: Get off of me Dad, you're crushing my cigarettes.

Q: What do rednecks and KFC have in common?
A: They do chicken right.

Q: In Kentucky, what do divorces and tornados have in common.
A: Either way, someone is going to lose a trailer.

Q: Why do the Scottish wear kilts?
A: Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away.

Q: What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire?
A: Drowns

Q: Two (insert favorite ethnic group here) jump off the top of a very tall building. Which one his the ground first?
A: Who gives a fuck?

Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blow-job?
A: You know she'll swallow.

Q: Why did the redneck cross the road?
A: Because he coundn't get his dick out of the chicken.

Q: What does a redneck say after sex?
A: Thanks Mom.

Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?
A: Quarter pounder with cheese.

Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?
A: Kick his sister in th chin.

Q: What is a redneck virgin?
A: A seven year old that can run faster than her brothers.

Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

http://forum.ogrish.com/forum/archive/index.php/t-4943.html
 
03-19-2002, 03:12 PM
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that
morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant
and say Happy Birthday, and probably have a present for me. She
didn't even say... Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday. I thought,

Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.The children came in to
breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said,
"Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday".
And I felt a little better someone had remembered. I worked until noon.
Then, Janet knocked on my door and said,
'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.'
I said, By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?'
I said, No,I guess not.
She said, 'Let's go to my apartment.'
After arriving at her apartment she said,
'Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into
something more comfortable.
'Sure' I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.........................

And there I sat...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...

on the couch...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
naked.
 
GO FIGURE
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Kennedy.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.'

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
 
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.

One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and the priest suspected that was the time the cock fights occurred in the village. So he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, No, No" he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?"










All the alter boys stood up.
 
A woman walks onto a bus carrying a baby.

The driver takes a look and says " my god woman that is the ugliest baby i ever saw"

Speechless the woman pays her fare and sits down next to a young man.

The man seeing her shocked expression, asks her what is wrong

She tells him that the bus driver just insulted her and she feels like going and saying something to him.

The young man nods encouragingly and says" yeah you go and give him hell, I'll hold your monkey"
 
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant,
"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard!" The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "SIr, I can
understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
 
07-30-2002, 08:58 PM
At the Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly
lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to
fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing
together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their
adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river,
and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made
mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When he
finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he
had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon
they came upon another fork in the river. He asked the lady, "Up or
Down?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild
passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go
fishing again the next day. She said yes.

There they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon
the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or Down?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river when he
came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or
Down?"

She replied "Up."

This really confused the gentleman, so he asked, "What's the deal?
Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down,
you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I
thought the choices were 'FUCK or DROWN'."
 
A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad. If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive. 6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat. Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Tie

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game. You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer. If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

Pussy can make you see God. Beer can make you see the porcelain god.
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal. If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work,you get fired. If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Tie

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: Beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, PBR, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Tie

Good beer: Samuel Adams, Moosehead, Pete's Wicked Winter Brew.
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage Pussy.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
 
Are you tired of all those mushy "friendship"
poems that always sound good but never actually
come close to reality?

Well, here is a "friendship" poem that really
speaks to true friendship and truth itself!

Friend, when you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and
help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard
who made you sad.

When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge
whatever is choking you.

When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got
laid.

When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it
every chance I get.

When you are worried, ...I will tell you
horrible stories about how much worse it could
be and to quit whining.

When you are confused, ...I will use little
words to explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick, ...stay away from me until
you're well again. I don't want whatever you
have.

When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at
your clumsy ass.

This is my oath, ...I pledge 'till the end. Why
you may ask?

Because you're my friend!

P.S. A friend will help you move.
A good friend will help you move a body.
 
TALIBAN TV GUIDE

MONDAYS:
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"

TUESDAYS:
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"

WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "Bowling For Food"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"

THURSDAYS:
8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"

FRIDAYS:
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
9:00 - "Who Wants To Execute A Multimillionare"
9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"
 
Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...

Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
A: Duck

Q: What do Bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.

Q: What does Osama bin laden and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: Why doesn't the Taliban have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day?
A: Because the camels can't handle it.

Q: What's the five-day forecast for Afghanistan?
A: Two days.
 
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
 
Blowjob Etiquette (by a female)

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Man's thoughts on Fellatio aka Rebuttal Etiquette (by a male)

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
 
not a joke but i thought this was fucking funny

Bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.
j_gurli13: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
Bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli13: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli13: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
Bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
j_gurli13: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli13: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli13: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They fucking charge your ass.
j_gurli13: stop, cmon be serious.
Bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.
Bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
j_gurli13: thats it.
Bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
Bloodninja: Fuck am I hard now.
 
this isnt much of a joke but i heared someone spit it in a freestyle at school

"your girls pussy's like a police station/
buncha dicks go in and out/...."

it sounded tight tho cuz it rymed with whatever he said before it i forget
 
haunted said:
not a joke but i thought this was fucking funny

Bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.
j_gurli13: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
Bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli13: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli13: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
Bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
j_gurli13: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli13: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli13: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They fucking charge your ass.
j_gurli13: stop, cmon be serious.
Bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.
Bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
j_gurli13: thats it.
Bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
Bloodninja: Fuck am I hard now.

bloodninja!
 

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