Jokes thread

[Upper-CUT]

there is 4 guys sitting in the bar having a beer. The conversation comes around trying to figure what the fastest thing on he earth is?

the guy from London " I think it's the human brain, it is faster that computers, I think THINKING is the fastest thing on the earth."

the guy from Scotland " well I hate to one up you bro, but the thoughts traveling down he nerves and muscles to tell your eye to blink are traveling just a little faster and I think BLINKING is the fastest think on he earth"

the guy form Australia " well I like to be more scientific about and ii think we can prove it that electricity is the fastest thing on the earth. TURN ON THE LIGHT and see for you self. science can prove it."

so now the Mexican " I hate to say it coz I think your all wrong! I think DIARIA is the fastest think on the earth. the other night on my way to bed before I could think, blink, or turn the light out, I shit my pants"

 

[T.M.O.S]

Lol

 

[Devious]

A rich man and a poor man are talking about what they're getting their wives for christmas. The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife for christmas?" The rich man says, "I'm gonna get her a diamond ring and a Mercedes Benz." The poor man asks "Why are you getting her both?" and the rich man says "Well I'll give her the diamond ring, and if she doesn't like it, she can return it in her Benz and still be happy." So the rich man asks the poor man, "What are you getting your wife?" And the poor man says "I'm gonna get her a pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man asks "Why are you getting her both?" and the poor man says "Well I'll give her the slippers, and if she doesn't like them, she can go fuck herself."

 

[71Outlaw71]

Why don't black people have any dreams?

Because the only one that did got shot!

 

[71Outlaw71]

My teacher told my class this one

"Why couldn't G-Unit get on the bus?"

"Because they didn't have 50 cent."

..........kinda dumb but it was funny at the moment

 

[Salar]

some of these were hillarious
My favourite joke of all time is probably:

Jesus goes to john
Come forth, i'll give you eternal life

John came fifth and got a toaster


But i also like these ones.
One day three men were in a jungle in order to do some research. Unfortunately, they were caught by a tribal group. As they were about to be executed they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for her mercy. She said, ''Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.'' The three men looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some food.

Steve was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered apples. In a bizzare twist she said that she had changed her mind and that he would have to shove the apples up his ass without making a noise or face. Otherwise he will be eaten. So steve starts putting apples up his butt. He get's to 4 but then it was too painful and he started screaming. So the tribe members killed him and he would be ready to be eaten.

Bob was the next to arrive with some yummy grapes. The same thing happened to him, He was forced to shove the grapes up his bum. He gets to 9 and everyone thought they he would be free, but he fell to the floor and started laughing. He was in the biggest fit of laughter he had ever been in.

The Queen surprised by the incident asked Bob: "What happened, you were doing so well, why did you just throw away you're only chance to survive?" Bob still in a fit of laughter replied: "Mike's coming with Watermellons"

 

[bigmack]

One day three men were in a jungle in order to do some research. Unfortunately, they were caught by a tribal group. As they were about to be executed they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for her mercy. She said, ''Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.'' The three men looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some food.

Steve was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered apples. In a bizzare twist she said that she had changed her mind and that he would have to shove the apples up his ass without making a noise or face. Otherwise he will be eaten. So steve starts putting apples up his butt. He get's to 4 but then it was too painful and he started screaming. So the tribe members killed him and he would be ready to be eaten.

Bob was the next to arrive with some yummy grapes. The same thing happened to him, He was forced to shove the grapes up his bum. He gets to 9 and everyone thought they he would be free, but he fell to the floor and started laughing. He was in the biggest fit of laughter he had ever been in.

The Queen surprised by the incident asked Bob: "What happened, you were doing so well, why did you just throw away you're only chance to survive?" Bob still in a fit of laughter replied: "Mike's coming with Watermellons"

ahahaha fuckin hilarious

 

[CalcuoCuchicheo]

lmao, top shit from The_One

 

[cookies]

lol, the one , nice joke

 

[outlaw_ridah85]

This father walks into his sons room and sees his son touching himself. He tells the son, "You keep masterbating you'll go blind," the son saids, "Dad am over here."