Jokes thread

[CoolWaterz]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single.

Just let it go.

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering.......







Dave, you're a vet.......

HAHAHAHAHAHA only one i really laughed at

 

[Kryogenikz]

lmao all have been pretty good

 

[Glockmatic]

whats the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again

 

[Illuminattile]

Jesus walks into an inn, hands the innkeeper some nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?"

Lighten up.

 

[tupak05]

heres a good one -

a big-time movie producer has made plans to fly to seattle on friday for a shoot. he loves his wife very much but suspects she will sleep with other guys when he is gone, so he makes his way to the local adult store with intentions to buy a dildo for her.
he walks in and looks around, and sees a shitload dildos in one isle. he approaches the salesperson and says, "id like to buy the best dildo here, price is not an issue, i just wanna keep my wife busy while i am gone for the weekend"
the salesperson starts walking towards the counter and pulls out a box from behind it.
"this is the voodoo dick... it is the most magical dildo in the world... would you like a demonstration?"
"yes" replies the producer.
"voodoo dick doorhandle!" yells the salesman, and immediately a green substance jumps out of the box, towards the door and wraps itself around the handle and vigurously moves around in a sexual manner.
the producer is amazed. "wow! ill take it"
"you must say 'voodoo dick' followed by whatever you want it to start humping, and it shall start"

the producer drives home and gives the dildo to his wife, explains to her how to operate it, then kisses her goodbye and makes his way to the airport.
the producer's wife immediately tries it.
"voodoo dick my pussy!" she says, and the green blob jumps out of the box and rips through the womans pants and slides into her vagina.
it moves around vigurously, and the woman feels pain.
this is when she realises she doesnt know how to stop it. she cums twice while trying to pull it out, and then decides to drive to the hospital, feeling weary.
she drives superfast on the freeway, not noticing her speed.
a cop eventually pulls her over and he says "mam did you know you were doing 100mph?"
"yes but i have a huge problem!!!" she cums again "its this voodoo dick its making me cum continuously and i cant stop it!!!!!"

the cop looks at her, confused, and says, "voodoo dick my ass!"

 

[CalcuoCuchicheo]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single.

Just let it go.

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering.......







Dave, you're a vet.......

LOL!!

 

[Silleone]

a man gets arested and sent to jail, on his first night he gets raped by a guy and the guy says "dont tell anybody", the next night he gets raped by another guy and he says "dont tell anybody" on the third night a new prisoner is sent to the mans sell, the man looks at the prisoner and pulls his dick out and says "dont worry, i wont tell nobody"

 

[Bina]

Apparentley, this was a true story, thought it was kinda funny tho:

Wrong email address.
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong address.

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one
particular icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they
spent their honeymoon 20 years ago.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel
schedules. The husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday,
with the wife flying the following day. The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to sent an e-mail to his
wife. However he left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without
realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to
glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail
expecting messages of condolence from friends and relatives. After reading
the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found
his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which
read:

To: My Loving wife

Subject: I've arrived

Date: 2nd July 2004


I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and
you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and
have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hoping your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

 

[CoolWaterz]

a man gets arested and sent to jail, on his first night he gets raped by a guy and the guy says "dont tell anybody", the next night he gets raped by another guy and he says "dont tell anybody" on the third night a new prisoner is sent to the mans sell, the man looks at the prisoner and pulls his dick out and says "dont worry, i wont tell nobody"

i dont get it.

 

[Illuminattile]

Similar to Bina's:

A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up, the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and sent it to her with this note:

Dearest Darling,

This is a little gift to show you just how much I love you. I chose these because I noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons up front, but she wears the short ones that are very easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the sales girl I bought these from showed me a pair she has been wearing for over three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try them on for me and she really looked smart in them. I wish I could put them on you for the first time but no doubt other mens hands will come in contact with them before I have a opportunity to see you again. When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little wet from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you will like them and wear them for me on Friday night.

All My Love,

P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the next year. Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing.

 

[haunted]

THE BARBER & THE MEXICAN
One day a florist goes to the barber for a haircut.

After the cut he goes to pay the barber.....

I am sorry I cannot accept money from you.

I'm doing a community service.

The florist is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes

to open his shop, there is a thank you card and

one dozen roses waiting at his door.

> >> >

A cop goes for a haircut and he also

goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the

barber replies: I'm sorry I cannot accept money

from you I'm doing community service.

The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning the barber goes to open

his shop, there is a thank you card and

one dozen donuts waiting at his door.



A Mexican cook goes for a haircut and

he also goes to pay the barber after the cut.

But the barber replies: I'm sorry I can't accept

money from you I'm doing a community service.

The Mexican cook is happy and leaves.

The next morning when the barber goes to open his

shop guess what he finds there?..................





A dozen Mexicans waiting for a free haircut !!

 

[Illuminattile]

RACISM!!

That was amusing, though.

 

[devils_advok8]

THE BARBER & THE MEXICAN
A cop goes for a haircut and he also

goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the

barber replies: I'm sorry I cannot accept money

from you I'm doing community service.

The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning the barber goes to open

his shop, there is a thank you card and

one dozen donuts waiting at his door.

lmao

 

[Glockmatic]

What did 50 Cent say to Eminem when he walked in on him sewing a sweater?







"GEE YOU KNIT?!"

 

[haunted]

An old man lived alone in New Mexico. He wanted to
spade his chili garden, but it was very hard work. His only son,
Francisco, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a
letter to his son and described his predicament:

Oye Francisco,
I feeling pretty bad cuz I do not think
I will be able to plant my chili gardenz this year. I just
getting too viejo to dig a garden, but if you waz here,
all mi problemas wood be over. I know you wood dig the plot for me.

Siempre,
tu Papi

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Papi,

Por favor, no, don't dig up the garden, that's where I
buried the BODIES!
Love, Francisco

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police
showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from
his son.

Dear Papi,
Go ahead and plant the chilis now.
Its the best I could do.

Love,
Francisco

 

[devils_advok8]

^Hehe

 

[CalcuoCuchicheo]

An old man lived alone in New Mexico. He wanted to
spade his chili garden, but it was very hard work. His only son,
Francisco, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a
letter to his son and described his predicament:

Oye Francisco,
I feeling pretty bad cuz I do not think
I will be able to plant my chili gardenz this year. I just
getting too viejo to dig a garden, but if you waz here,
all mi problemas wood be over. I know you wood dig the plot for me.

Siempre,
tu Papi

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Papi,

Por favor, no, don't dig up the garden, that's where I
buried the BODIES!
Love, Francisco

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police
showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from
his son.

Dear Papi,
Go ahead and plant the chilis now.
Its the best I could do.

Love,
Francisco

Nice...

 

[haunted]

Subject: FW: Your Hair Smells Nice!

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at
the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that
her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint
to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants
to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,
"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget"
________________________________________________________

I OWE MY MOTHER
>
>1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
>"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
>cleaning."
>
>2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
>"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
>
>3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
>"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next
>week!"
>
>4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
>" Because I said so, that's why."
>
>5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
>"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
>store with me."
>
>6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
>"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
>
>7. My mother taught me IRONY.
>"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
>
>8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
>"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
>
>9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
>"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
>
>10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
>"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
>
>11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
>"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
>
>12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
>"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
>
>13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
>"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
>
>14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
>"Stop acting like your father!"
>
>15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
>"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
>wonderful parents like you do."
>
>16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
>"Just wait until we get home."
>
>17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
>"You are going to get it when you get home!"
>
>18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
>"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
>
>19. My mother taught me ESP.
>"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
>
>20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
>"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
>
>21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
>"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
>
>22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
>"You're just like your father."
>
>23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
>"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
>
>24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
>"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
>
>25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
>"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
>
>

 

[~DonmegA~]

What did 50 Cent say to Eminem when he walked in on him sewing a sweater?







"GEE YOU KNIT?!"

lol, jeez man i cant believe i cracked a smile let alone laugh......hhhhhh, im tired.

 

[Belle]

heres a good one -

a big-time movie producer has made plans to fly to seattle on friday for a shoot. he loves his wife very much but suspects she will sleep with other guys when he is gone, so he makes his way to the local adult store with intentions to buy a dildo for her.
he walks in and looks around, and sees a shitload dildos in one isle. he approaches the salesperson and says, "id like to buy the best dildo here, price is not an issue, i just wanna keep my wife busy while i am gone for the weekend"
the salesperson starts walking towards the counter and pulls out a box from behind it.
"this is the voodoo dick... it is the most magical dildo in the world... would you like a demonstration?"
"yes" replies the producer.
"voodoo dick doorhandle!" yells the salesman, and immediately a green substance jumps out of the box, towards the door and wraps itself around the handle and vigurously moves around in a sexual manner.
the producer is amazed. "wow! ill take it"
"you must say 'voodoo dick' followed by whatever you want it to start humping, and it shall start"

the producer drives home and gives the dildo to his wife, explains to her how to operate it, then kisses her goodbye and makes his way to the airport.
the producer's wife immediately tries it.
"voodoo dick my pussy!" she says, and the green blob jumps out of the box and rips through the womans pants and slides into her vagina.
it moves around vigurously, and the woman feels pain.
this is when she realises she doesnt know how to stop it. she cums twice while trying to pull it out, and then decides to drive to the hospital, feeling weary.
she drives superfast on the freeway, not noticing her speed.
a cop eventually pulls her over and he says "mam did you know you were doing 100mph?"
"yes but i have a huge problem!!!" she cums again "its this voodoo dick its making me cum continuously and i cant stop it!!!!!"

the cop looks at her, confused, and says, "voodoo dick my ass!"

lmao