The joke thread!

[THEV1LL4N]

Got a facebook message today from a "Bored local housewife 27, looking for some hot steamy action" I sent her my ironing, that'll keep the lazy bitch busy!


A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles."Great," he replies, "Get your own Fucking blanket!"


My wife asked me how many girls I have fucked in my life.I said, "Fifteen."She said, "Oh so I was your fifteenth."I said, "No, you were my eighth."

 

[THEV1LL4N]

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22 a woman is like Africa... half discovered , half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas

Between 23 and 30 a woman is like America... well developed and open to trade, especially for high financed investors

Between 31 and 45 a woman is like India... very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty

Between 46 and 55 a woman is like France... gently aging but
sensual,
with an appreciation for the finer things

Between 56 and 60 she is like Yugoslavia... lost the war, haunted by past mistakes and in need of massive reconstruction

From 61 on, a woman is like Afghanistan... every1 knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

 

[THEV1LL4N]

Man & wife are out shopping together, Wife sees some shoes she wants but her husband says, " NO WAY! They're way too expensive." Later that nite in bed he lays a hand on his wifes pussy, She says, "I don't fucking think so mate! If you can't afford to shoe the horse, then u ain't fucking riding it!!!"


Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth. Nurse. He mumbles. Are my testicles black? Nurse raises his gown. Holds his cock in one hand and his balls in the other. She takes a close look and says there's nothing wrong with them sir. Man pulls off his oxygen mask. Smiles at her and says slowly. . . Thanks for that it was lovely but listen very carefully. . . Are-my-test-res-ults-back?!

 

[THEV1LL4N]

Nintendo have brought out a new game. You are a 10 year old boy who runs around the streets of Glasgow smashing up cars, stabbing people and robbing houses... it's called a Wii Bastard!!

I went on Dragons Den the other night and showed them my Dads old shotgun. Peter Jones said "And what's your idea?" I replied, "It's a simple concept Peter, just put the money in the f**king bag!"

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at Dubln port. Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them, "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four!" "Quattro is just the name of the car,look at the papers, this car is designed to carry 5 persons!" says the driver. "You wont pull that one on me" says Paddy, "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car so you are breaking the law." The driver shouts, "You flipping idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry!" says Paddy, "He is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno!!''

 

[THEV1LL4N]

I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?"
He answered, "I don't know."
I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."
.....and that's how i lost my job...

 

[dilla]

Can we bring racist jokes in here? Without using racial slurs, of course.

 

[vg4030]

I got the best racist jokes locked and loaded.. has alot of use of the word 'nagger' tho

 

[dilla]

I got the best racist jokes locked and loaded.. has alot of use of the word 'nagger' tho

PM them to me, regardless. I would love to hear them.

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit, and had a bit of a cuddle and then she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double. ‘What’s that?’ I asked.It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said. I said, ‘No,’ – excitedly.We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was ‘my lucky night’. I went back to her place.She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ‘Mum, you still awake?’

 

[vg4030]

Brian Cowen announced that he is changing the Irish national emblem from a Celtic Harp to a condom. This he feels reflects more accurately the goverments political stance....A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.....

 

[Bender]

Asked my girlfriend if she wanted to play a rape game last night, and she said 'no way!'. I said 'good start'.

 

[masta247]

^The fact that you came up with that joke after "that" accident followed by a pretty long absence.. well, it certainly doesn't help with your creepingness

 

[THEV1LL4N]

lol at both posts above this one.

i was amused at your joke yeshua, for the same reason masta was... i saw the association too. lol.

 

[Flipmo]

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?

A: Because she saw Yeshua walking down her way.

*drum roll*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA ........................

 

[dilla]

Why did Yeshua cross the road?

Because K69atie did too. AAAHAHAHAHAA.

Not funny, but still building off the "Yeshua rapes women with cooking utensils" joke.

 

[THEV1LL4N]

Yeshua be lurking around Burger King, watching you eat your Onion Rings; or in the parking lot, spying, creeping on ya block.

 

[Bender]

the stalking jokes aren't even funny or true.

different day on streethop and you guys still talking about the same old stuff.

I think what you guys don't get is that me and Katie know each other that well that we know each others home address, we have even exchanged birthday/christmas cards and letters through the post. I still keep all the letters she sent to me and sometimes read through them again.

 

[Flipmo]

Oh don't worry Yeshua. We're just pulling your leg, wtv may be the case is, it's between you and Katie. I just saw an opportunity to break your balls and I took it. That's all.

Alls good

 

[dilla]

But didn't Katie herself say you were creeping her? Or were you two just in cahoots and trolling us all?

 

[THEV1LL4N]

the stalking jokes aren't even funny or true.

different day on streethop and you guys still talking about the same old stuff.

I think what you guys don't get is that me and Katie know each other that well that we know each others home address, we have even exchanged birthday/christmas cards and letters through the post. I still keep all the letters she sent to me and sometimes read through them again.

how did it all start? ASL?

lol j/k.

 

[Bender]

But didn't Katie herself say you were creeping her? Or were you two just in cahoots and trolling us all?

no, she said: that you (smacky) are a troll who should stop creeping ... and, that she wanted to show me her cahooters