The race-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awoken suddenly when she smacked him in the face. "What's the matter! Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked. "It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'" "What's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open?'"
The joke thread!
- Thread starter Farzin
- Start date
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird`s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That`s really not so bad."
When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman`s husband `Keith` came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi, Keith!"
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird`s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That`s really not so bad."
When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman`s husband `Keith` came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi, Keith!"
Hell to the mother f'ing YEAH!!
------------------------------------------------------
Yo mama so stupid, she got locked in Lazyboy and slept on the floor!
-----------------------------------------------------
a woman walks into a supermarket, and notices a male customer whose zipper is
undone. The woman kindly says" excuse me sir,but your barracks doors are open".
Not having a clue what the woman was talking about he continued shopping. A few
moments later another customer approached the man and explained that his zipper
was undone. The man zipped up and continued his shopping. At the checkout he ran
into the woman who originally informed him of his zipper.He decides to play into
her unusual comment; "excuse me maam, when you noticed my barracks door was
open, did you happen to see a soldier standing at full attention?" The woman
responded by saying " no, all i saw was a disabled vet sitting on two duffle
bags"
A woman was just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rang. She threw on her towel and went to the door.
Dave, a poker buddy of her husband`s was there. He looked at her in her towel for a minute and whispered "I`ll give you $500 right now if you take of your towel for just 10 seconds! That`s $50 a second!"
She thought about it a second, and then took off her towel. He smiled, gave her the money and walked away.
When she walked back into the bedroom, her husband asked "Was that Dave? Did he bring the $500 he owed me?"
Dave, a poker buddy of her husband`s was there. He looked at her in her towel for a minute and whispered "I`ll give you $500 right now if you take of your towel for just 10 seconds! That`s $50 a second!"
She thought about it a second, and then took off her towel. He smiled, gave her the money and walked away.
When she walked back into the bedroom, her husband asked "Was that Dave? Did he bring the $500 he owed me?"
In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don`t get excited, Albert; don`t scream, Albert; don`t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."
A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I`m Albert!"
A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I`m Albert!"
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I`m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver`s seat looking out the window. "Why aren`t we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I`m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I`m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver`s seat looking out the window. "Why aren`t we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I`m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
During a rock climbing expedition, an accident occurred, as some of the grappling hooks gave way. This left the eleven climbers clinging precariously to the wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on the Mountain. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the weight on the rope would cause more of the hooks to give way and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. All ten blondes applauded.
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I`ve got to take you in, pal. You`re obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I`m drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I`m sure," said the copper. "Let`s go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I`m drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I`m sure," said the copper. "Let`s go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots` uniforms–both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they`re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin–but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they`re going to scream too late, and we`re all gonna die. .
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they`re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin–but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they`re going to scream too late, and we`re all gonna die. .
A four year old little boy was at the doctor`s office with his mother in the waiting room when he spotted a pregnant lady on the other side of the room. Having nothing better to do, he walk over to her and inquisitively asks "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "Im having a baby." With big eyes, he replied, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She said, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look on his face, asked yet another question, "Is it a good baby?" She said, "Oh, yes. It`s a real good baby." At this point the woman is thinking the little boy is incredibly cute and looks foward to what he has to say next…
And, much to her suprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, he asks.. "Then why did you eat him?"
She replied, "Im having a baby." With big eyes, he replied, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She said, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look on his face, asked yet another question, "Is it a good baby?" She said, "Oh, yes. It`s a real good baby." At this point the woman is thinking the little boy is incredibly cute and looks foward to what he has to say next…
And, much to her suprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, he asks.. "Then why did you eat him?"
An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter around her feet as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!" Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, my darling! But it's just so blooming tight!" "Come on, my prince! Give it all you've got!" she cried. Finally, when the shoe released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla exclaimed, "Aaahh! Oh, God, that feels sooo good!" In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!" Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, bloody hell, darling! This one's even tighter!" To which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"
A man absolutely hated his wife`s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that darned cat on the phone. I`m lost and need directions!"
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that darned cat on the phone. I`m lost and need directions!"
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...." "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.” Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.” Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization ", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it. Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?" Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!" Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. " Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?" Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal? " Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed. Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question. He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical ."
A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ``I`m so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."
The man was very upset and yelled, ``You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn`t come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.``
The brother thought about it and apologized.
"So how`s Mom?" asked the man.
"She`s on the roof and won`t come down."
The man was very upset and yelled, ``You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn`t come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.``
The brother thought about it and apologized.
"So how`s Mom?" asked the man.
"She`s on the roof and won`t come down."
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carol that the
doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away
her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course
she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry
went to her again, and said, 'Darling, now I only have 18 hours left to
live. Maybe we could make love again?'
Carol agreed
and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he
realized he now had only eight hours of life left.
He touched
Carol's shoulder and said, 'Darling? Please? Just one more time before I
die?'
She agreed,
and then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry,
however, lay there awake and listened to the clock ticking in his head,
tossing and turning until he was down to only four more hours.
He
tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Darling, I only have four
hours left! Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him
and said, 'Listen, I'm not trying to be funny, Barry, but I have to get up
in the morning - you
don't......'
doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away
her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course
she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry
went to her again, and said, 'Darling, now I only have 18 hours left to
live. Maybe we could make love again?'
Carol agreed
and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he
realized he now had only eight hours of life left.
He touched
Carol's shoulder and said, 'Darling? Please? Just one more time before I
die?'
She agreed,
and then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry,
however, lay there awake and listened to the clock ticking in his head,
tossing and turning until he was down to only four more hours.
He
tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Darling, I only have four
hours left! Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him
and said, 'Listen, I'm not trying to be funny, Barry, but I have to get up
in the morning - you
don't......'
Donate
Back in the day, we used to recieve donations sent as cash in fake birthday cards! Those were the days! I still have some of them, actually.
Now we have crypto.
Ethereum/EVM: 0x9c70214f34ea949095308dca827380295b201e80
Bitcoin: bc1qa5twnqsqm8jxrcxm2z9w6gts7syha8gasqacww
Solana: 8xePHrFwsduS7xU4XNjp2FRArTD7RFzmCQsjBaetE2y8
Now we have crypto.
Ethereum/EVM: 0x9c70214f34ea949095308dca827380295b201e80
Bitcoin: bc1qa5twnqsqm8jxrcxm2z9w6gts7syha8gasqacww
Solana: 8xePHrFwsduS7xU4XNjp2FRArTD7RFzmCQsjBaetE2y8
Members online
No members online now.