The joke thread!

[Farzin]

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:-What makes 100%?



What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?


Ever wonder about these people who say they are giving more than 100%?



We have all been to these meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%



How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?


Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these question.


If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:


1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.


Then:
H A R D W O R K
8+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


K N O W L E D G E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%


But:
A T T I T U D E
1+20+20++9+20+21+4+5 = 100%


And:
B U L L S H I T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%


AND, Look how far ass kissing will take you.


A S S K I S S I N G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 =118%


So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that whilst hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and ass kissing that will put you over the top.

 

[Farzin]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.



The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"



Bob replies "No, what do you mean"



She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lies down on a towel by the side of a pool, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.



Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.



The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?"


Bob replies: "No, what do you mean"



The Huge Man says: "You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.



Bob rushes back to the colony office.



The smiling naked receptionist greets him: "May I help you?"



Bob says: "Here is your card and key back.
You can keep the $500 joining fee."



Receptionist:"But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."



Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."

 

[Farzin]

A married couple screw eachother every single night. But the man has to go away on a business trip for two weeks. His wife asks him, "what am I going to do without you?" The man decides to buy his wife a dildo for his leave.

At the dildo shop, the clerk brings the man into a back room. He says, "I've got something I know will please your wife. It's called the super dildo. All you have to do is say 'super dildo' and then the name of what you want it to screw, and it will screw it automatically. It won't stop until you say 'super dildo stop,' and only men can control it. For example... Super dildo the wall!" The super dildo immediately sprang into action humping the wall over and over. "Super dildo stop!" said the clerk, and the dildo stopped.

The man bought the dildo and brought it home to his wife. After she thanked him, he said "super dildo my wife!" and the super dildo sprang into action screwing his wife. He then left.

The woman was enjoying it, but she couldn't get it to stop. She got in her car and was driving to the dildo store all while the thing was screwing her, when she got pulled over by a policeman. He said, "Lady, you're driving like a drunk." She replied, "I'm not drunk, it's just that a super dildo is screwing me and I can't get it to stop!"

The policeman replied, "Super didlo, my ass."

 

[Farzin]

Are people reading and enjoying these or am i just spamming the shit out of the forums?

 

[raywaters11]

Lol you're getting Thanked for them, so apparently they are being read.

 

[Farzin]

^Oh okay okay last one for tonight! This one is pretty good LOL






Four nuns are standing in line to get into heaven. St. Paul says to the first one, "Have you ever touched a penis before." The nun says "Yeah, with my finger." St. Paul says, "Dip your finger in the holy water before you enter."


The second one says, "With my hand." And she has to dip her whole hand in.



The third one's about to answer, but the fourth one pushes her out of the way and shouts,




"IF YOU THINK IM GOING TO GARGLE THAT WATER AFTER SHE'S STUCK HER ASS IN IT, YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND!!!"

 

[Farzin]

Okay maybe one more for tonight just because this one is hilarious.





It's Saturday night and the super heroes are having a party. Batman, Robin, Spiderman, and the Hulk have already arrived.


Superman is especially ready to party after a hard week of saving the world. So he throws on his cape and heads off.
Along the way, he passes Wonder Woman's penthouse suite. To his surprise, he sees through her open window that she is still at home, naked lying with her legs apart.


Feeling a bit in the mood, he thinks to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I can fly in there, have sex with her, and be gone before she knows it." So in an instant, Superman flies in, does the deed, and flies back out, with a great big smile on his face.


At this point, Wonder Woman sits up and says, "did you hear something?"


"Nope," replies the Invisible Man, "but my ass is killing me."

 

[Farzin]

LOL seriously this time it's the last one for the night....I just had to share this one...i thought it was very funny.


Two women meet in the afterlife. Following is the conversation they had.


1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.


2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?


1st woman: I froze to death.


2nd woman: How horrible!


1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?


2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.


1st woman: So, what happened?


2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.


1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ... we'd both still be alive.

 

[Shadows]

LOL seriously this time it's the last one for the night....I just had to share this one...i thought it was very funny.


Two women meet in the afterlife. Following is the conversation they had.


1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.


2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?


1st woman: I froze to death.


2nd woman: How horrible!


1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?


2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.


1st woman: So, what happened?


2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.


1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ... we'd both still be alive.

old but i love it.

 

[Duke]

I knew the nuns and superdildo. The hitman one was long but quite funny.

The superhero joke was awesome, first class.

 

[Bender]

three nuns are walking down the street when they are confronted by a male nudist streaker walking towards them, the first nun sees the man and immediately has a stroke right there on the pavement in front of him, the second nun also has a stroke, and the third nun didn't touch him

 

[Duke]

^^ ahahaha, did NOT see that coming.

 

[Bender]

see how jokes take words out of context

 

[Duke]

Hence why I did not see it coming. As a pure joke it's not that brilliant, as a wordplay its quite good.

 

[Bender]

jokes ARE wordplay :weird:

 

[Farzin]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

 

[Farzin]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had meet on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Bob. "Did you, err, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

 

[Duke]

jokes ARE wordplay :weird:

No....

 

[Farzin]

Recently a “Husband Super Store” opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn’t go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands…

First floor The door had a sign saying, “These men have jobs and love kids.” The women read the sign and said, “Well, that’s better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up they went.

Second floor The sign read, “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.” “Hmmm,” said the ladies, “But, I wonder what’s further up?”

Third floor This sign read, “These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.” “Wow,” said the women, “Very tempting.” But there was another floor, so further up they went.”

Fourth floor This door had a sign saying “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.” “Oh, mercy me,” they cried, “Just think what must be awaiting us further on!”

So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor

The sign on that door said, “This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f**king impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs.”

 

[Farzin]

Two rather nerdy engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, `Take what you want.`"

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn`t have fit."