Jokes thread

[Belle]

This joke got me laughin so i thought i'd share it.. read it then post up your own jokes, we need some laughter in here

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey you! What are you doing?"

The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a couple of joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and
is going to go down and get a drink from the river.

The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting with a monkey in a tree smoking a joint, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says "Fuuuuuuck dude....... how much water did you drink?!!"

 

[Default MX]

LMAO. .. i didnt get it at first =( .. but then i got it and started laughing .. YAY!

 

[S. Fourteen]

thats a cute one

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i'm too lazy to type one up so..

 

[ATI_RAGE_]

This guy is horny so he goes to a whore house he talks to the pimp and tells him he has 10 dollars, pimp says go to room 38. The guy finds room 38 goes in and their is an absolutely beautiful women their. He walks out talks to the pimp who tells him again room 38, then takes him into the room. The man and whore start having sex but he says it's too dry.

So the whore goes into the bathroom and then she comes out it's the best sex he's ever had. He tells her so when you went into the bathroom what did you do? The whore answers " Oh I picked my scabs and let the puss run."

 

[vg4030]

^^ thats frikkin' nasty

 

[CalcuoCuchicheo]

This guy is horny so he goes to a whore house he talks to the pimp and tells him he has 10 dollars, pimp says go to room 38. The guy finds room 38 goes in and their is an absolutely beautiful women their. He walks out talks to the pimp who tells him again room 38, then takes him into the room. The man and whore start having sex but he says it's too dry.

So the whore goes into the bathroom and then she comes out it's the best sex he's ever had. He tells her so when you went into the bathroom what did you do? The whore answers " Oh I picked my scabs and let the puss run."

Thank fuck no-one goes down on whores.....

 

[-Daniel-]

Three Nuns new in town walk into a bar to refresh from a busy morning service.
They are directed to a table and told by the door man a waiter would be along to take their order very shortly.
As expected the waiter arrives, But wearing nothing but a bow tie; a tea-towel,on his arm; and a finely definitioned torso. " may I take your order please ladies?" says the waiter.
The first Nun looks at him and has a stroke. The second Nun looks at him too and has a stroke. The third Nun couldn't decide but didn't touch him.

 

[Belle]

This guy is horny so he goes to a whore house he talks to the pimp and tells him he has 10 dollars, pimp says go to room 38. The guy finds room 38 goes in and their is an absolutely beautiful women their. He walks out talks to the pimp who tells him again room 38, then takes him into the room. The man and whore start having sex but he says it's too dry.

So the whore goes into the bathroom and then she comes out it's the best sex he's ever had. He tells her so when you went into the bathroom what did you do? The whore answers " Oh I picked my scabs and let the puss run."

ewwww thats grossssss!!! *gags*

 

[Vaudeville]

This guy is horny so he goes to a whore house he talks to the pimp and tells him he has 10 dollars, pimp says go to room 38. The guy finds room 38 goes in and their is an absolutely beautiful women their. He walks out talks to the pimp who tells him again room 38, then takes him into the room. The man and whore start having sex but he says it's too dry.

So the whore goes into the bathroom and then she comes out it's the best sex he's ever had. He tells her so when you went into the bathroom what did you do? The whore answers " Oh I picked my scabs and let the puss run."

fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!! NASTY ass shit man... ew

 

[Illuminattile]

A guy walks into the butchers one day, looks around and says to the butcher "What happened to your assistant?". The butcher says "I had to fire him. He kept putting his dick in the bacon slicer". "Oh..." says the man, "what happened to the bacon slicer?".
The butcher turns to him and says, "I had to fire her as well!"

 

[Rosco]

A guy walks into the butchers one day, looks around and says to the butcher "What happened to your assistant?". The butcher says "I had to fire him. He kept putting his dick in the bacon slicer". "Oh..." says the man, "what happened to the bacon slicer?".
The butcher turns to him and says, "I had to fire her as well!"

You bit Peter Kay!!!

 

[Cown]

thats a cute one

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i'm too lazy to type one up so..

lmfao

 

[7hug.Life]

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartender says no.

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''

 

[Illuminattile]

You bit Peter Kay!!!

Maybe I am Peter Kay.

 

[CalcuoCuchicheo]

It's possible...... but you're not

 

[Default MX]

lmao @ the pig one....

 

[Illuminattile]

Man: Doctor doctor, I have a hearing problem
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Man: They're a cartoon family on TV, but what's that go to do with anything?

 

[ToopackShaker]

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

i thought that was the whole joke at first ahahha
it's much better like this

 

[SiGh]

lol at the symtoms joke

 

[SJUK]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single.

Just let it go.

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering.......







Dave, you're a vet.......