Iknow, you’ve already made up your mind about me even before you begin reading what I have to say. I’m a porn star. That itself stereotypes me as a bad girl. Does having sex in front of the camera for professional reasons mean I can’t be a nice human being and lead a normal personal life? True. Being a porn star brings imbalances in your life and relationships,
especially with your family.
I’m an Indian Muslim girl from Gujarat. My parents moved to London in the ‘60s. My family is very conservative, but I grew up as a rebel. But, l et me tell you, what I do for a living doesn’t dictate who I am. I get hate mails by the dozen, everyday people call me to say: they want to kill me or they’ll shoot me. But I’m not ashamed of myself. I’ve been working in the adult industry for two years now and I love what I do. I don’t hide under false pretences.
If you think porn stars are exploited, you’re wrong. We’re here by our free will. We’re paid extremely well. I have to work extremely hard for the money I earn. I speak my mind freely, I’ve done an article for Sun and a documentary for Channel 4 on my life. I’ve just finished an interview with Men’s Vogue and a photo shoot for Mayfair magazine. Everybody wants an interview with me. They want to know the darker side of my life.
I’m getting invited to top talk shows on television and radio. I can say that in the cult of global celebrities, porn stars are the latest addition. We’re suddenly in the spotlight, writing books and advising people on how to make love like a porn star. Suddenly, there’s unexpected acceptance about our work.
No, I never had a moralistic debate about whether I should be a porn star or not. I needed the extra money, so I went ahead and did the movies. So far, I’ve done about 70 porn movies.
Just before joining the adult entertainment industry, I was a model and worked for French Connection. I’ve had a very conservative upbringing. I couldn’t even meet boys or talk to them when I was growing up. I wasn’t allowed to go for parties either. During my teenage years, I was crazy about fashion. I dreamt of wearing the sexiest outfits by world-famous designers.
Now, I think working for porn movies is exciting. I’m an actress, there’s somebody who does my make-up, hair and I’m ready for action. While shooting, I often think of shopping, fixing my tap at home or what I’ll have for dinner... Most porn actresses are educated, intelligent women, and you can’t abuse us just because of what we do.
I don’t drink or smoke, and I don’t harm anyone. I don’t do drugs and I didn’t get abused when I was growing up. I’m a normal girl. I’m not a hypocrite. When I was working for French Connection, I was wearing hijab... I tried to be religious. I accept that I’m a Muslim. There aren’t many Asian Indian women like me, but I’m not an object, I have feelings. I believe sex isn’t bad, it can’t be suppressed. Looking the other way doesn’t mean people won’t have sex or will stop watching porn.
In London, Asian men typically will watch porn at home, but won’t accept a porn star for a girlfriend! An Indian being a porn star gets extreme reactions. That’s the reason I don’t have a boyfriend. I’m an open and different girl, and that’s something men don’t like. Being a porn star doesn’t mean I’m a prostitute, I don’t sleep around in my personal life. I’m better than other girls like me, who pretend to be sweet and docile and live secret lives of sin. But most men can’t believe that. I’d rather date someone who sees me as a person and not just a body. That’s the reason I’m always honest about my profession with men I meet.
Do I want to get married? Of course! Let’s say, if a guy falls in love with me and wants marriage, I won’t resist it. I’m not consciously trying to bring disgrace to my family. Initially, I didn’t tell my parents about my work. One day, my cousin was watching Babestation, the soft porn channel in the UK, and happened to see me. His wife informed my parents. Today, my mother and brother don’t talk to me. My father calls up once a month to find out if I’m okay. Anyway, I’ve stopped caring about what anyone will say or think. If parents could accept the choices their kids made, there would be fewer cases of depression, suicides and honour killings in Britain.
I’m 31 now, I want to make money for four years and then direct some porn movies. At the end of the day, being a porn star isn’t glamorous, it’s just a job done. Initially, I would think, ‘Gawd! I can’t do this’. But that’s the initial hiccup. After that, you don’t think too much. Sometimes I have to work with men I don’t like. Then, I just concentrate on their feet or hands and mentally switch off.
I can understand why people would want to kill me. Asians would have certain expectations from me. But I want to assure them that I’m proud to be an Indian. I’m religious, and I love going home to India every two years. Being a porn star doesn’t make me less of a human being, daughter or friend. These are some of my honest confessions. I’m not hurting anyone. Is it fair to target me just because I’m a porn star?”
