Crown Me.

[Jocka]

It's been a while since I been here and posted anything. So heres a short poem I wrote earlier today. see how ya'll like it.

==========================================================
This is where anybody can find me.
Standing infront with the whole world behind me.
I treated you fair, polite, and kindly.
But respect has a limit and yours was timely.
My hate has grown thick for others around me.
I give you love then your ungratefulness surrounds me.
We fix your problem but to see mine is the boundary.
I save you from death and you leave me drowning.
The rage consumes me and my heart begins pounding.
You just stand grinning. Mocking so soundly.
I need your help and I begged so profoundly.
You saw chance to kick me. You beat me and downed me.
No longer will I let them mock me and clown me.
The key is to not let them know when your frowning.
So look ahead world, let them know where u found me.
This isn't chess; its checkers. Go ahead. Crown me.

 

[SiGh]

Damn, that was awesome.

When I was reading it thru the first time, I just had wished you used another word besides drowned me, cuz you made one drowning reference once.

But damn, I liked it.

 

[_carmi]

I concur with SiGh

 

[S O F I]

I crown you.

 

[Bobby Sands]

It's been a while since I been here and posted anything. So heres a short poem I wrote earlier today. see how ya'll like it.

==========================================================
This is where anybody can find me.
Standing infront with the whole world behind me.
I treated you fair, polite, and kindly.
But respect has a limit and yours was timely.
My hate has grown thick for others around me.
I give you love then your ungratefulness surrounds me.
We fix your problem but to see mine is the boundary.
I save you from death and you leave me drowning.
The rage consumes me and my heart begins pounding.
You just stand grinning. Mocking so soundly.
I need your help and I begged so profoundly.
You saw chance to kick me. You beat me and downed me.
No longer will I let them mock me and clown me.
The key is to not let them know when your frowning.
So look ahead world, let them know where u found me.
This isn't chess; its checkers. Go ahead. Crown me.

he said downed me not drowned me.

 

[SiGh]

Well that's just embarrassing on my part then.

 

[Bobby Sands]

^^yea it is. learn to open your eyes in future.

 

[SiGh]

^^yea it is. learn to open your eyes in future.

Banned.

 

[Shadows]

Not bad, not great. Saying 'you beat me and downed me' does sound a bit awkward. That's the only thing that really seperates it from good to great imo.

 

[Kadafi Son]

Even though I agree with Shadows, I really liked this piece. The concept of connecting checkers with real life situation is a creative like a muthaf**ka. I could kinda look at each line and picture the comparison. And besides the concept, the rhyme scheme was pretty good too. Appreciated tha poem...keep em comin'...

Peace

 

[Kong]

Good stuff.