As some of you may know, I'm interning for a law practice this summer. Although the law should be taken seriously and never be broken, unfortunately, sometimes it is, and most of the people who do break it are screw ups, clinically insane, or insane but have never been tested. In my brief time with the internship, I have witnessed a good deal of all three (mostly the latter), and they make for some good stories. Although I can't divulge some information, all of this is out and public in some form or another.
Case 1: The "Murder Bag"
This man, we'll call him Dante, was estranged from his wife, whom he has accused of cheating on him frequently. Dante was in prison before for violating some sort of Protection From Abuse order that his wife filed against him. Three weeks after he gets out, he sees another man's car in their driveway, goes to his friend's house where he was staying, takes his friend's magnum, loads it, takes 100 rounds of ammunition, gets a baseball bat and a bag, tapes his pants legs with electrical tape (more on this later), rides a bicycle to his wife's house, goes into his van, and fills his bag with plastic ties, rope, garbage bags, a box cutter, and rubber gloves. When his wife, boyfriend, and son get home, Dante follows them inside and scares them into to talking to him about the financial aspects of the separation. Dante's wife was able to secretly get 911 on her cell phone, and the police show up without any physical harm being done.
Now, about the pant legs. It was the Commonwealth's position that Dante taped up both of his pant legs so that when he was mauling his wife and her boyfriend he wouldn't get any blood on his body. When Dante, who was heavily medicated because of his bipolar disorder and therefore calm and expressionless, took the stand, the DA asked him why he taped his ankles:
Dante: It was so that my pants wouldn't get caught in the chain of the bike.
DA: So your pants wouldn't get caught... I see. Well, you'll agree with me that the chain is only on one side, so why did you tape up both?
Dante: Because it would look funny with only one leg taped.
I laughed out loud at that one. To be fair to Dante, it was his position that he went only to scare his wife into talking. It was the judge's position that he went there to kill them, but lost steam along the way and better judgment prevailed.
Case 2: Pissing on Alligators
The last case involved the clinically insane; this guy just hasn't been tested yet. We'll call him Ray Mikaze.
Well Ray Mikaze had a pet alligator. Ray Mikaze had it since it was small. Ray Mikaze liked to walk his pet alligator on public sidewalks. Ray Mikaze was ordered not to do that anymore. Ray Mikaze kept his alligator in his apartment from then on.
Ray Mikaze's alligator grew up, and so did its appetitie. Ray Mikaze thus fed his alligator live cats.
Ray Mikaze had no lake in his apartment. Ray Mikaze's alligator was very dry and sad. Ray Mikaze urinated on his alligator to keep it moist.
Case 3: The Gay Cop
This client, we'll call him 7 Syns, liked to drink. He liked to drink so much that he drank while driving. He got arrested and went to court.
On the day of his trial, my boss went to pick him up and couldn't find him. On the way to the courthouse, he saw 7 Syns stumbling along the sid eof the road, drunk. When they got to court, he told 7 Syns not to testify, but 7 Syns insisted and took the stand. My boss figured the jury might find that he wasn't actually drunk that night and is just crazy all of the time. 7 Syns told his story. When he saw the cop following him, he didn't know it was a cop and fled. When he finally saw that there were lights and sirens, he realized it was a cop, pulled over, and got out of his car to fight the cop, literally putting his dukes up. The cop detained him, and what happens next can only be done justice as a direct quote:
"And then [the cop] took me and bent me over the car because he's GAY."
The homophobic officer then jumped out of his seat, banged his fist down, and started yelling at 7 Syns.
If I think of anymore good ones, I'll post them later.
Case 1: The "Murder Bag"
This man, we'll call him Dante, was estranged from his wife, whom he has accused of cheating on him frequently. Dante was in prison before for violating some sort of Protection From Abuse order that his wife filed against him. Three weeks after he gets out, he sees another man's car in their driveway, goes to his friend's house where he was staying, takes his friend's magnum, loads it, takes 100 rounds of ammunition, gets a baseball bat and a bag, tapes his pants legs with electrical tape (more on this later), rides a bicycle to his wife's house, goes into his van, and fills his bag with plastic ties, rope, garbage bags, a box cutter, and rubber gloves. When his wife, boyfriend, and son get home, Dante follows them inside and scares them into to talking to him about the financial aspects of the separation. Dante's wife was able to secretly get 911 on her cell phone, and the police show up without any physical harm being done.
Now, about the pant legs. It was the Commonwealth's position that Dante taped up both of his pant legs so that when he was mauling his wife and her boyfriend he wouldn't get any blood on his body. When Dante, who was heavily medicated because of his bipolar disorder and therefore calm and expressionless, took the stand, the DA asked him why he taped his ankles:
Dante: It was so that my pants wouldn't get caught in the chain of the bike.
DA: So your pants wouldn't get caught... I see. Well, you'll agree with me that the chain is only on one side, so why did you tape up both?
Dante: Because it would look funny with only one leg taped.
I laughed out loud at that one. To be fair to Dante, it was his position that he went only to scare his wife into talking. It was the judge's position that he went there to kill them, but lost steam along the way and better judgment prevailed.
Case 2: Pissing on Alligators
The last case involved the clinically insane; this guy just hasn't been tested yet. We'll call him Ray Mikaze.
Well Ray Mikaze had a pet alligator. Ray Mikaze had it since it was small. Ray Mikaze liked to walk his pet alligator on public sidewalks. Ray Mikaze was ordered not to do that anymore. Ray Mikaze kept his alligator in his apartment from then on.
Ray Mikaze's alligator grew up, and so did its appetitie. Ray Mikaze thus fed his alligator live cats.
Ray Mikaze had no lake in his apartment. Ray Mikaze's alligator was very dry and sad. Ray Mikaze urinated on his alligator to keep it moist.
Case 3: The Gay Cop
This client, we'll call him 7 Syns, liked to drink. He liked to drink so much that he drank while driving. He got arrested and went to court.
On the day of his trial, my boss went to pick him up and couldn't find him. On the way to the courthouse, he saw 7 Syns stumbling along the sid eof the road, drunk. When they got to court, he told 7 Syns not to testify, but 7 Syns insisted and took the stand. My boss figured the jury might find that he wasn't actually drunk that night and is just crazy all of the time. 7 Syns told his story. When he saw the cop following him, he didn't know it was a cop and fled. When he finally saw that there were lights and sirens, he realized it was a cop, pulled over, and got out of his car to fight the cop, literally putting his dukes up. The cop detained him, and what happens next can only be done justice as a direct quote:
"And then [the cop] took me and bent me over the car because he's GAY."
The homophobic officer then jumped out of his seat, banged his fist down, and started yelling at 7 Syns.
If I think of anymore good ones, I'll post them later.
