Talk about the worst father's day ever, I usually don't do these family bbq shit but I figured "ay what the hell", go see family/cousins, have fun and free food.
So this year it was held at my cousin's place and I mean they got a very nice place, they're the only one outta all of us that actually owns a house and its mad nice, a couple floors and big ass backyard and a dope pool. And I ain't talking bout them pothole type shits that fill up in the rain either.
Anyways so it started real early, I think 8am, we all got there started having fun and shit. I was munching on all types of shit thru out the day, like ALL types of shit, chips and liquor, candy and steak, you name it, I ate it. I was so full the whole day but I kept eating, free food, you know how it is.
So come mid afternoon, I wanna say like 3pm, my stomach started burning/aching and I needed to take the illest shit. So I asked my aunt who was in the next room (upstairs) where the bathroom was, as she was leaving the room, she was like "just use the one in here (master bedroom) baby". So I was like "alright, thanks". I got in closed the door and sat down and did my shit---literally. OMFG I tore that shit up, it was so damn gooey and think it felt like real thick mash potatoes hitting little water. I wonder if that's how gay people feel when they doing it, cuz I felt like I pushed a tree out my ass.
So newayz I finished dumpin pounds and was ready to wipe my ass. Now get this, in my house and almost everywhere I've ever been, we use that 1 ply shit. Wrap it around the hand 4 times and wipe, wipe. Less than 4, it goes thru and your stuck with a hand dipped in peanut butter.
But at my aunts house she had that, I dunno that shit u see in commercials, the one with the bear, I wanna say Charmin, this shit was so thick, felt like a blanket, but yeah it didn't occur to me to use less, so I wrapped it around 4 times and wiped, wiped.
*Hits flush*
My world flashed before my eyes as I feel the gooey warm shit + water touching my ass. I jumped up quick and turned around and was like omg wtf.
It overflowed and fucked up the entire floor. It leaked all over the carpet, my shoes, my shorts, went thru the bottom crack of the bathroom door into the bedroom. I didn't know what to do, so I pulled my shorts up and ran out the door. I fucked up their gray carpet. I took some towels and placed it in front of the door so it wouldn't come into the bedroom.
I tried plunging, didn't really work. My entire outfit, get this I had all white on, white dickie shorts, tall white tee, was now brown and wet.
I thought I'd man up, so I called my aunt upstairs and told her (before showing) what I did, now she's a hella sweet lady, or I thought. She grabbed me by the ears took me downstairs to the backyard and told everyone "this bastard shat himself and fucked up our house"
I was speechless.
Everyone else was speechless.
Longest silence in my life.
My mother came over pushed me thru the side doors and told me to leave. I got in my car, which now smells like shit and left for home.
Happy Father's Day you bastards :angry:
I'm going to bed.
PS: Will Tide get the shit out?
So this year it was held at my cousin's place and I mean they got a very nice place, they're the only one outta all of us that actually owns a house and its mad nice, a couple floors and big ass backyard and a dope pool. And I ain't talking bout them pothole type shits that fill up in the rain either.
Anyways so it started real early, I think 8am, we all got there started having fun and shit. I was munching on all types of shit thru out the day, like ALL types of shit, chips and liquor, candy and steak, you name it, I ate it. I was so full the whole day but I kept eating, free food, you know how it is.
So come mid afternoon, I wanna say like 3pm, my stomach started burning/aching and I needed to take the illest shit. So I asked my aunt who was in the next room (upstairs) where the bathroom was, as she was leaving the room, she was like "just use the one in here (master bedroom) baby". So I was like "alright, thanks". I got in closed the door and sat down and did my shit---literally. OMFG I tore that shit up, it was so damn gooey and think it felt like real thick mash potatoes hitting little water. I wonder if that's how gay people feel when they doing it, cuz I felt like I pushed a tree out my ass.
So newayz I finished dumpin pounds and was ready to wipe my ass. Now get this, in my house and almost everywhere I've ever been, we use that 1 ply shit. Wrap it around the hand 4 times and wipe, wipe. Less than 4, it goes thru and your stuck with a hand dipped in peanut butter.
But at my aunts house she had that, I dunno that shit u see in commercials, the one with the bear, I wanna say Charmin, this shit was so thick, felt like a blanket
, but yeah it didn't occur to me to use less, so I wrapped it around 4 times and wiped, wiped.*Hits flush*
My world flashed before my eyes as I feel the gooey warm shit + water touching my ass. I jumped up quick and turned around and was like omg wtf.
It overflowed and fucked up the entire floor. It leaked all over the carpet, my shoes, my shorts, went thru the bottom crack of the bathroom door into the bedroom. I didn't know what to do, so I pulled my shorts up and ran out the door. I fucked up their gray carpet. I took some towels and placed it in front of the door so it wouldn't come into the bedroom.
I tried plunging, didn't really work. My entire outfit, get this I had all white on, white dickie shorts, tall white tee, was now brown and wet.
I thought I'd man up, so I called my aunt upstairs and told her (before showing) what I did, now she's a hella sweet lady, or I thought. She grabbed me by the ears took me downstairs to the backyard and told everyone "this bastard shat himself and fucked up our house"
I was speechless.
Everyone else was speechless.
Longest silence in my life.
My mother came over pushed me thru the side doors and told me to leave. I got in my car, which now smells like shit and left for home.
Happy Father's Day you bastards :angry:
I'm going to bed.
PS: Will Tide get the shit out?
