The uncyclopedia : the funniest encyclopedia ever

[hizzle?]

http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Main_Page

i dunno if it's old, but me no cares, one more post for me

 

[PuffnScruff]

LOL
Abe Vigoda
Childhood
As a sperm, Abe Vigoda got permanently caught in the condom his father used. After finding his way into his mother's vagina, he was done in by a contraceptive sponge. He achieved notoriety as a famous "murder victim" in a series of Conservative advertisements after being aborted. When he was born, he died of SIDS.

At the age of 3, Vigoda's life was tragically cut short when a car inadvertedly ran over the boy at an unusually high speed. In 1928, he caught a terminal case of polio. After the stock market crash in 1929 that led to the Great Depression, Vigoda's family could not afford to feed him, so he starved to death. On his tenth birthday, Vigoda collapsed from exhaustion while working as a coal miner, and never woke up.

In 1936, Vigoda, heartbroken after breaking up with his girlfriend, slashed his wrists. In his sophomore year, he was slain by an insane classmate in the 1937 New York City school shooting. In 1939 on the night before he would have graduated, Vigoda, celebrating his completion of high school, got drunk and drove around town before colliding into another car, killing all occupants of both vehicles

 

[hizzle?]

Kobe Bryant

From Uncyclopedia


Kobe Bryant is the pinnacle of human design. Kobe Bryant has won over 12 NBA Championships in his career spanning at least 4 centuries. Kobe Bryant has also won numerous titles in various other sports, Olympic medals, and baking competitions.
Kobe has a small following known as The Black Fist (TBF). The members celebrate with alleged fistings from Kobe himself and glasses of warm "lemonade".

Feats, Abilities, and Accomplishments

• Kobe Bryant is gay with Phil Jackson and sucks Shaq's penis.
• Kobe Bryant is the best running back in NFL history, barely edging out Michael "Ron Mexico" Vick.
• Kobe Bryant once won a fight between himself, his mom, and Shaquille O'Neal's mom.
• If you create Kobe Bryant in Fight Night, he will not lose.
• When Kobe raps, he's 10x faster than that Twistaz guy and he makes Kanye West's lyrics sound like something written by a baby.
• When Colin Ferrell saw Kobe Bryant's peepee, he broke down and cried. Then Kobe raped him.
• All of Tom Hanks' movies are being re-filmed starring Kobe Bryant.
• Kobe Bryant can heal cripples, though he does this only so they can feel him raping them.
• Kobe Bryant is the best running the West Coast Offence.
• Kobe Bryant does not tolerate hateration.
• Kobe Bryant is a 5,000-foot skyscraper housing over 2,000 offices and a mean jump shot.
• If Kobe Bryant were in the army, we would've caught Osama Bin Laden and killed every terrorist on this earth by now.
• If you whisper Kobe Bryant's name 3 times, you feel a burning sensation in your anus for a few days.
• Kobe Bryant could bake a better Christmas ham than Martha Stewart.
• Kobe Bryant once asked God "I want you to punch me in the face as hard as you can" and lived to laugh about it.
• God created Kobe Bryant in his likeness, and only him. The rest of us are modelled after God's hairdresser.
• Kobe Bryant once beat Kobiyashi in a hot dog eating contest.
• Kobe Bryant is not even a physical entity. He's actually the combined auraof all things awesome in the world, compacted into one visual aid so that we could witness the world's collective energy.
• When Kobe Bryant played for the Pittsburgh[ Pirates, he threw four consecutive perfect games, while hitting a paltry (for Kobe Bryant) .823 during the season.
• Kobe Bryant can fly faster than a F* 22 Raptor.
• Kobe can deny rape charges at a top speed of 30 per second.
• Phil Jackson named his surgically-removed kidney stone "Kobe" because it "wouldn't pass".
• Kobe Bryant has 7 BrosB4Hoes tattoes on his left leg.

Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Kobe_Bryant"

 

[critikaldesignz]

“Tupac, or not Tupac? That is the question.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Tupac


(June 16, 1971 – September 13, 1996; resurrected August 15, 2005) Singer for the Welsh Malevoice choir... sang such hits as "I'm Alive for the Second Time".

Tupac was found resurrected in Las Vegas recently and his recording output has since become less prolific. He signed a deal with the Resurrection Record Company( founded by Darth Vader) and released the CD Straight Outta Death. Brian Nichols was one of the guys who was really terrified - it was the first CD to ever be produced by a zombie!

Tupac was forced to fake his death after becoming addicted to baby flesh. This fact is shown in his later songs "I'm a baby eater," "California Love of baby flesh," and "Dear Mama, I want to eat my sister." Harmony Korine is reported to be working on an epic biopic starring resurrected Tupac as Dr. Dre and the ghost of Redd Foxx as Tupac.He also founded the Eggo Waffle Company.

The CIA planted an exploding cigar with Suge Knight, but it was accidentally handed over to Tupac.

Tupac currently writes songs for such musical greats as Phil Collins, Celine Dion, and Avril Lavigne.

Commonly known for his appreciation of both the dresses of the Victorian era and his reliance on Kitten Huffing

Tupac's favorite food is the Cheeseburger. His favorite singer is Elvis Presley(also ressurected four years ago)and Pac loves to skate!

Tupac has two younger brothers to carry on his legacy, Brewery Tycoon Fopac and Professional Bodybuilder Sicspac. His father Pacman, and (unmarried) mother Ms Pacman continue to live and work in the family Ghostbusting business in Las Vegas.

Often people, when referring to Tupac Shakur, actually mean Toop Hack Shag Her, A british pop band from China.

 

[Flipmo]

This is for you australians.

Australia


Australia is a magical, beer-filled land located in the Great Big Billy Ocean. Pronounced 'Strai-ya', usually followed by a 'g'day mate'. It should also be noted, that 'Strai-ya' Is populated by 87% yobboes.

Motto: Ozzy! Ozzy! Ozzy! Oi! Oi! Oi!
National Anthems:

1. Do You Come From A Land Down Under?
-- Men At Work
2. Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport
-- Rolf Harris
3. God Save Your Queen
-- Anonymous

Established by Abodigitals circa 38,000BC
Established by Whitey 1788AD
Independence not yet - still English colony
Queen Betty the Second (Liz Windsor)
Government PM's XI
President John Howard
Official language Strine, a.k.a. "Straylyan mate"
Currency Either one of these, depending on which one is more worth:

1. Koala
2. VB

Religion Football
National Hero Shane Warne
International Hero Rolf Harris
Capital One of these (or else!):

1. Centrelink Offices
2. Canberra
3. The WACCA

Least Important City Sydney
Most Boring City Adelaide
Most Inbred City Hobart
Most Redneck City Brisbaine
Most Unlucky City Darwin
The One with the Swan River Perth
Wettest City Sydney
Exports Ugg Boots, Kylie Minogue, Abodigitals, Warney
Mascot Fatso the Fat-Arsed Wombat
National Crisis Prashbi

 

[pietro006]

lolz thats a funny site

 

[Bigg Limn]

lmao wtf i feel sorry 4 the first dude, he died a lot AND was permanently trapped in a condom...shitty life

 

[hizzle?]

it's also interesting when you check all the countries they put in there...

theres the soveraign kingdom republic of Crunk, its king : Lil Jon

 

[Missy "C"]

In Dec 1998, in the NNABS meeting (Not North America But South), Argentina and Brazil agreed in transform Argentina in the biggest parklot in the World.

so true...! :S


lol nice site




edit: you have to check n00b out! it's hilarious! :laugh:

Advice on Dealing with n00bs

n00bs are often confused on internet games with deranged, semi-concious, amputated llamas with little brain matter, because of the similarity in their gameplay abilities. In the event of an encounter with a n00b, one should take the following precautions:

• Turn off chat to prevent grammatically incorrect language overloads.
• If you cannot disable chat, turn off your computer immediately and curl up on the floor in a brace position. Do not contact relatives as n00biness is contagious and can spread to your loved ones.

Under no circumstances should you ever talk to a n00b. They are highly dangerous. If you DO get in a direct conflict with a n00b, it is best to use one of the following tactics:

• The best way to overcome a n00b is to use h4x0r language such as ZOMG, OMFG, WTF, LOL, ROFLOL, ROFL/ROFLMAO, PWN, ROFLCOPTER, LOLERBLADES, LOLERCOASTER, LOLLS ROYCE, STEAMLOLLER, OMGWTFBBQHAXOR!!11!!!!1!, etc.
• Alternatively, you can fill their MSN inbox with spam and chainmail; unable to contemplate their sudden popularity, they will jump off nearby cliffs in the false belief that they will be caught due to their immense popularity.Be sure to use more than one email adress, as they, on rare instances, will realize the truth.
• Another way to deal with a n00b is to smash their skull in with a large object. While they often do this to themselves in their ineptitude training, it still proves to be an effective method of n00b destruction.
• One of the least effective way to stop a n00b is to tell him to mine for fish. this method doesn't work so well because soon after they leave they will start yelling "HOW I MINE FOR FISH?"
• Remember n()obs regardless of their constant training, are totally inept at the usage of 1337. Whenever attempts to converse with n00b are made using 1337 it will cause their small brains to bienge and ooze out their ears. n00bs that are porlongly exposed to such verbal pwnage as this will eventually die.

PS : Avoid Counter Strike at all costs as only liek no0bs play it ROFLOLMAO.

 

[ShockA]

Good find. :thumb:

 

[Missy "C"]

“Yeah, I banged her, so what? I'm Wilde, baby.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Paris Hilton

“Who?”

~ Paris Hilton on Oscar Wilde

 

[_carmi]

Eminem
From Uncyclopedia
“Mmm . . . Eminem.”


~ Homer Simpson on Eminem

“The ass-banging was incredible!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Eminem
“Oh my God! Are he gay?!”


~ Spede Pasanen on Eminem
“Emineminem, do do de do do, Emineminem, do do de do, Emineminem, do do de do do, do do do, do do do, do do do do do do, do do do do!”

~ John Constantine on Eminem
"Fuck you!"

~ Eminem on Fucking You
Eminem

Eminem as the Grand Marshal in a Gay-Pride March
Year of Birth 1492
Mother Hillary Clinton
Father Conan O'Brien
Birthplace A Starbucks in Northern Germany

Eminem at the American RevolutionEminem, born Moe Billy Joe Jim Bob Mulder-Fokker IV, is the guy who invented rap. He learned to rap as a kid growing up in The O.C. His rap songs range in topic from dealing with life as a poor black kid growing up in Las Vegas with a Flintstones-vitamins addict mother to the difficulties that all kids face in finding the real Slim Shady. He started a rap band called d20, which got a name change to D12 after an unfortunate hunting accident. This band is actually a covert front for spreading the evil of Dungeons and Dragons throughout the world of rap music. Among his many controversies is his ongoing battle with the United States government about his violation of the American Rhyming Act of 1824.

In 2002, he was nominated for a Black Music Award. This raised controversy, because some people actually accused him of being white (see Michael Jackson). Eminem responded to the controversy by saying "I am whatever you say I am." DNA tests later confirmed that he was indeed black on the inside (of his anal-love receptacle). Eminem is a militant gay-pride activist and has had mind-blowing sex with thousands of men including Paul Shaffer, Richard Simmons, David Bowie, Elton John, Ricky Martin, and Tom Cruise.

Because he never uses a condom during anal pleasuring, he has had STDs many, many, many times. To his credit, though, he has joined George W. Bush on many public appearances to preach the importance of lubrication. He is reportedly paid $1,000,000 US a year to be the official spokesman for KY Jelly and has received praise from the Vatican for what they regard as an essential public service.

Eminem is thought by some to have invented time travel, as some of his musical achievements will happen far in the future, such as his song based on the Slim Shady Algorithm, which will go multi-platinum. He had a brief acting career in the early 1990's when he shot to fame after starring as a lovable burglar-thwarting rascal using the stage name Macaulay Culkin in the hit family film Home Alone Eminem is also renound worldwide for his exceptional talent as a strip dancing kareoke singer. On his way to fame he served the American army during the civil war as a break dancing stripper. This was during the period prior to the reign of George Bush, when the American army was more lenient about recruiting talented, politically aware and potentially influentual homesexuals. Unfortunately, his career as an actor went immediately downhill after he was molested behind the General Motors World Of Motion exhibit at Disney's Epcot Center by an unidentified assailant (see Michael Jackson...again).

As well as numerous publicity stunts, Eminem is currently believed to be undergoing a secret operation involving his newly completed cloning device. Prototypes have already been released which are reportedly exact copies of Eminem. These clones have been named by the rap artist as Eminem 2, Emineminem, Eminemineminem, Emineminemineminem, and M&M². This is why there is so much confusion as to who is the real Slim Shady. Somebody please stand up. Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?

He also has five kids—three of which were cloned—and his wife Pat has great difficulty remaining sober. The phenomenal levels of stress she has been subject to raising her'lil Em clones as she calls them, have caused her to age prematurely. Recent bone-age X-rays have shown her bone age to be 104.75 years old. Due to the brittle state of her bones she has been advised to abandon her sex life and spend her last days praying to the Buddha. She was recently admitted to hospital with a fractured pelvis claiming she "fell down the stairs". Shortly after her pelvis has been replaced information leaked to the media that she would be admitted into rehab for dependency on the pill.

 

[_carmi]

Category:Gangsta Rappers
From Uncyclopedia
These niggas be my homies!



Articles in category "Gangsta Rappers"
There are 16 articles in this category.A
Abbott and Costello
B
Beastie Boys
C
50 Cent
Ice Cube
D
Snoop Dogg
E
Eminem
G
Gangster rap
H
MC Hammer
L
Limp Bizkit
Linkin Park
M
Morbid angel
R
The Residents
S
Frank Sinatra
T
Ice-T
Y
Weird Al Yankovic
Z
Jay-Z

 

[LilShOrtiE485]

LMAO this site is hecka funny especially the Kobe Bryant thingie

 

[AmerikazMost]

Sex
From Uncyclopedia
“At twilight, nature is not without loveliness, though perhaps its chief use is to bone people's daughters without them knowing.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Sex

“In Soviet Russia, fuck YOU!!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Russian Reversal


Sex, an extremely painful activity, is very similar to a troll hunt, where the villagers (the men) must carry their pitchforks and brandish their torches (various types of wieners) deep into the forest (the vaginal cavity) to bring the troll out of hiding (childbirth). At least, that's one way to do it. Others involve a lot of troll-hunting, but with rubber-covered pitchforks, so that no trolls are brought out of hiding. Still others involve the pitchforks clanking against each other or going into deep wells to hunt for long brown snakes (gay sex and/or anal sex). And sometimes the forests sort of bang into each other and swap sparrows.

You will not get sex. Ever. You will try your entire life to get some hint of what actual sex really is, but will fail miserably. All of your friends will have sex, and later brag about how awesome it was to you. Many of your girlfriends will give the impression that they want to have sex, but they won't. If you're gay, you will get stuck with the small percentage of celibate gay men as boyfriends. If you're a girl, you will get and have sex whenever and wherever you wish.


uide to masturbation (for the men out there)
Also known as petting the one eyed snake, letting the gorrila out for fun, cleaning the pipes, jerkin' the gerkin', milking the bull, punching the pope, unleashing the beast, my good friend Handyna, manual labour, hand-job, "I'll be out in a minute", "bashing the bishop", shaking the sack, petting the dog, checking on Woody, Ahoy there she blows, choking the chicken, lubin the tubin, and of course tempering with Godzilla.

To begin with, you first wrap yourself up in leather bondage clothing. With mashed potatoes in one hand and gravy in the other, hop on one foot counter-clockwise and sing "She'll be coming round the mountain" for an hour. Then (THWANG!)

Sorry about that, folks, don't listen to him. He's nuts.

Anyway, start by rubbing your dick while viewing pornography. Shortly, the shrunken deflated phallus will magically expand into a hard missle like weapon if it hasn't already. Then after a while, you will notice a strange feeling and some white hand cream will shoot out. It will just apparate in thin air. Rub the cream slowly over the surface of your genital area until you pass out from exhaustion. After you wake up, you will know what it feels like to be a man.

This activity is often made a part of male bonding. It is often enjoyed by groups of brothers and/or friends. The value of the bonding is hightened by 'trading strokes' and in some cases, sharing the cream. This is not to be confused with homosexual activity, which is only done in secret. It is actually very pleasant and relaxing to stroke another man's penis or to touch his unborn children.

It is believed the first masturbator was "one-hand" Pete a famous egg colector who also huffed kittens in his free time. He discoveded this while trying to pick up a piece of wet shrimp that fell down his pants. The rest is history.

Masturbation FAQ
EXTREMELY FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:

• My semen doesn't look right. Is there something wrong with me?

Normal semen can be thick, watery, white, clear, yellowish, brownish, smooth-textured, or even lumpy or slightly granular. It's all good. Even a trace of blood in the semen is not a major cause for alarm; unless you have significant amounts of blood in your semen for several days, don't worry about how your semen looks.

• My semen just kind of dribbles out. What can I do to make make it "shoot" out of my penis?

Ejaculation force varies from individual to individual, and often changes over time. There isn't much you can do to change this — although if you drink a lot of fluids, or if you masturbate for a long time and get very aroused before ejaculating, your semen will tend to be expelled more forcefully than if you just have a ho-hum "quickie."

•How Old Do You Have To Be To Masturbate?

If you can read this, you're old enough to masturbate! You may, though, be too young to ejaculate. Most boys begin to ejaculate semen when they're between the ages of 12 and 15, although some begin ejaculating at a later or earlier age. You can still masturbate and even have orgasms before you're old enough to ejaculate. However, for most males, the best-feeling orgasms are those that are accompanied by the ejaculation of a good amount of semen. In fact, some guys like to "save it up" by not masturbating for a while, so they can have an extra-good orgasm with a bigger-than-average ejaculation.

•Are You A "Loser" for masturbating? Yes!

America Invented Sex!

Sex was first invented by Thomas Edison in 1899. Previously, reproduction tooks many long years of mixing and combining genes in test tubes and sending them off to the League of Storks until finally a baby would arrive. This process lacked the attraction and pure pleasure of sex. Men would often brag about how they 'like totally mixed my genes in a test tube with that Shannon chick' and women would constantly complain about how 'men only care about my stupid genes.' Beyond that, all young men had to do was smoke drugs and go fight wars.

Edison's first suggestion that society use those parts in such a manner were treated with disgust, even outright hostility. The notion that the same body parts used for urination could be used in such a way was revolting to many. Rival inventers argued to Edison that 'you're just proposing this cause you can't get a girl's genes.' (This is not at all true as Edison had a fine collection of female genes in his closet.) Still, a few curious subjects chose to try this 'Sex' technique out and were immedietely converted.

It wasn't long before sex was spread to every part of the globe. It would soon go on to replace coin flipping as a favorite recreational activity amoung youth. Men and women saw each other in a whole new light. Men started to realize that women weren't just for the kitchen. Women gained a new power over men that never existed before. It is all thanks to an American. Remember that folks.

Ironically, the FCC has outlawed all sex in America in 2001 because sex is more offensive than violence and foul language combined and it is a sin against our Lord Jesus Christ.

Botanical explanation
Specifically, The Sex is the a sexual technique usually known as "making whoopie," in which scientists believe the wee-wee must go into the woo-woo

The Sex is usually performed by human men on stoats, though a significant minority prefer little girls or little boys. According to an ancient superstition, performing The Sex on a girl is the only way to cure her of virginity, a disease usually caused by birth. However, The Sex can also transmit diseases far worse, including pregnancy and Roman Catholicism; in order to avoid these, the partners must find Jesus in their lives, accept Him as their personal Lord and Savior, and ask Him for a few dollars for a pack of condoms.

The von Roogler (also for guys)
Upon finishing the deed, it is wise to remove the engorged penis and spit on the butt of your partner. She will believe you are finished, and as she turns around explode onto her face. Don't try this without gloves and a handy escape plan at the ready.

Alternative to condoms (to avoid being discovered by troll(s))
Aides"Orange Juice. You ask: "Before or after?" Answer: "Instead of..."

Sex in your mind just tastes better.

Sex and lemon juice rarely mix, however two squirts a night should do the trick.

Remember: Your first time is a free pass, no need to wear a condom if you or your partner is a virgin.

Elephants. Babies are scared of elephants and thus will not be conceived if one is nearby. Or you could have sex with an elephant.

Oral sex. You put your pe-nis in, to your partner's mouth, you put your pe-nis in, and you shake it all about... you do the hokey-pokey and you turn yourself around, that's what it's all a-BOUT!

P.S. The Pullout always works, unless you or your partner are Japanese anime characters or an excessively well endowed black man (in the case of the latter, you shouldn't go all the way in. The head is not supposed to come out of her mouth if it's gone in at the other end).

http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Sex