The joke thread!

[Duke]

What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet?
The captain's log

lmao, wtf, that one is so out there

 

[keco52]

A man escaped from prison where he has been for 15 years. He broke into a house to look for money and guns and found a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair while tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, 'Listen, this guy's an escaped convict- look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous... If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.

To which the wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too

 

[vg4030]

^^ lmao

 

[Shadows]

-----The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

 

[Stone_Cold]

If you know who Jordan is, then these 2 are for you;

*************
Madonna has released a statement follwing Katie Price and Peter Andres split.
The statement basically just says how sorry she is to hear the news and that she wants first dibs on the black kid!

**************

An old one but a classic,
Whats brown and bumps into furniture?
Harvey Price!

 

[Farzin]

I need to revive this thread because i was telling people some of these jokes and I gathered them all on here so this is my source.


Here is one more joke because the rule of this thread is to post a joke everytime you say anything.




A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

 

[keco52]

A woman arrived at a party and while scanning guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him smiling and said " Hello. My name is Carmen."
"That's a beautiful name", he replied, "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied, "as a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things I enjoy the most-cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen."
"Whats your name?" she said.
He answered. "B.J. Titsengolf."

 

[keco52]

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said "All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks" The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and you stay there for 2 hours. When you come out, youmay play with your train, but I want you to use nice language"

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking from the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue "For those of you who are just boarding we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile the child added "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO hour delay...please see the bitch in the kitchen"

 

[THEV1LL4N]

Two Jamaican mums on a bus. One asks "Is ya baby teevin yet?" The other replies "Yeah man, so far he's got me two DVD's, a mobile phone and a laptop!"

 

[vg4030]

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars..
It was obvious She was a little irritated. . ...

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'
The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!''

 

[THEV1LL4N]

^^ lool.

 

[Shadows]

lol good one.

 

[Bender]

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".
Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immedately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow"

 

[Duke]

^ Disturbing.

 

[Shadows]

MEXICAN WORDS!! The teacher told pepito to make sentences with his spelling words:

1.*cheese*
Maria likes me,but cheese fat.

2*mushroom*
Wen all my family gets in the car, there isnt mushroom

3*shoulder*
My friend didnt no how to make tacos so i shoulder

4*texas*
My friend always texas me fwds

5*herpes*
Me and my friend shared a piza,i got my piece and she got herpes

6*july*
Ju told me ju were goin to the store,and july to me!!julyer!!

7*rectum*
I had two cars but my wife rectum

8*chicken*
I was going to the store with my wife but chicken go by herself

9*wheelchair*
We only have one soda but its ok wheelchair

10*chicken wing* My mom plays the lottery so chicken wing

11*liver*
A bully was messing wit my sister and i told him to liver alone

12*body wash*
I wanted to go to the bar but no body wash my kids

13*Budweiser*
That woman over ther has a nice body, Budweiser face so ugly?

 

[THEV1LL4N]

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits & another 2 rabbits & another 2, how many will you have?
Paddy: Seven Sir
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits & another 2 rabbits & another 2, how many will you have?
Paddy: Seven!
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples & another 2 apples & another 2, how many will you have?
Paddy: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits & another 2 rabbits & another 2, how many will you have?
Paddy: Seven!
Teacher: Where the fuck do you get seven from?
Paddy: Because I've fucking got 1 at home you cunt!

 

[THEV1LL4N]

A polish man gets married to an american lady, (even though his english is not very good).
After 2 years he goes to a solicitor for a divorce.
lawyer: what grounds do you have?
Man: 2 acres with a house
Lawyer: no, i mean what is the foundations of the case?
Man: cement
Lawyer: Why do u want to divorce?
Man: cos she is gonna kill me
Lawyer: what makes u say that? Man: i've got proof
Lawyer: what proof
Man: she's gonna poison me
Lawyer: but how do you know
Man: she bought it from a drugstore and has kept the bottle on a shelf in the bathroom
Lawyer: what does it say on the bottle?
Man: ''POLISH REMOVER''

 

[tHuG $TyLe]

If Nigeria played Germany at the World Cup will the scoreboard read
NIG - GER ?

 

[Shadows]

There was a white women who was baking a lil chocolate cake for her white son, she turned her back, he rubbed the chocolate on his face and said: " look mommy, I'm black" and the mother slapped him and said "dont you ever say that a again, go to your father and tell him what you said," he puts the chocolate on his face and went to his dad and said... See More: " look dad, I'm black", the dad slapped him and said "dont ever say that again, go to your grandfather", the grandfather slapped him and told him to go back to his mother. His mother said, "timmy, now, what have you learned from this" and timmy said " I've learned that I've been black for 5 minutes, and already , I hate you white people.."

lol oh shit!

 

[Shadows]

"A plane is losing power, the pilot says on the intercom, "Sorry it had to come to this, but we already let the luggage go and the plane continues to lose speed, i hate to have to do this, but now we're going to release passengers by Alphabetical order."

"Any Africans?" (No one answers)

"Any Black People?" (no one answers)

"Colored People?" (Silence is golden)

A black child turns to his mom and says, "Momma, aint we all those?"

She says, "Honey, today we are niggas!" ..."We'll let the mexicans go first."

The black boy taunts the mexican boy and laughs.

The mexican boy jumps up and laughs, "I'm a wetback, so get ready to jump my nigga!"