The Crack Up

[Ristol]

I expect everybody to lie about themselves. Especially on the internet. We're anonymous here so it's understandable to be protective of your self image. Might be why some of us create internet personas in the first place: a neatly curated version of ourselves, complete with rewrites, has more potential for loftiness/recognition (while diminishing the blowback) than the pockmarked versions we see in the mirror. Personally I try to keep it open. Don't see why I should lie to you people. It's the people I know in real life I have to lie to.

I was always supposed to be some big something, to teachers and people who knew me when I was a kid. I impressed people, in a general sense. Still don't understand why, and it's been invalidated to some extent. But I still run into people from time to time whose first or second question is some variation of, hey, did you ever become a world-famous writer? No. No I did not. I have a baby and I work like a dog. I'm not complaining about the daughter I love or the life I've chosen; I'm doing okay. It's just that sometimes I hate myself for having flamed out the way I did. At what point can you free yourself from the backbreaking expectations of people who knew you way back when? Weren't we all going to set the world on fire at some point? Is 24 too early to realize you'll never live out your dreams? That your dreams were hackneyed and stupid in the first place? That everyone was laughing at you back then, and you're just now catching up?

As some of you know I'd been sober for some time and recently stopped being so. Trying to climb back on the wagon but it's proven VERY difficult. It's a catch-22 for me--I feel lazy and irresponsible when I'm getting drunk; sanctimonious and mortally self-conscious when I'm not. I feel stupid being the guy in the pastel sweater with the puppy on the cover of People Magazine, caption: HIGH ON LIFE. I'm aware of the Robert Downey Jr. aesthetic and find it obnoxious. I'm still an idiot, still wrecked and burning, and I don't think I'll ever feel natural being any other way. This worries me.

I think my mind is totally disintegrating.

 

[Shadows]

The time you spend doing something un-productive, is the time you later regret.

You're not beating yourself up because the situation you're in, but more so, the situation you could be in. Go and make that change, you still can.

someone (even yourself) can put things in your head. You are either great or bad at something. You can listen to either or and be bad, get an ego and slump over your greatness, or improve. Choose to be great, and ignore the 2 negatives.

 

[Pittsey]

You need to be comfortable with who you are. I am only just becoming completely self confident now, I finally feel like an adult. It has taken a long time. I have always been very self confident, on the verge of obnoxious, but everyone has self doubts. I finally feel like they don't matter.

At school I breezed through exams as I possess a natural intelligence. But come the end of school many people supposedly levels below me acheived more. Things had come so easily that I didn't bother trying, or revising anything. This had become my ethos in life. I believed that my destiny was preplanned and that I would achieve whatever I was supposed to. For the nexy decade or so I didn't learn anything and hardly read.

Recently I have got an appetite for learning again. I still have the quick brain that absorbs material.... But... I now realise how little I know and how non-academic I am. I missed too much at school, and too much after school. The only knowledge I acquired is that which was necessary within my job... So I am performing work effortlessly, but really lacking in other areas. Which is probably why I post pointless propaganda threads on here lately. So someone can school me and I can feel in the large blank areas of my knowledge. I also think the learning has been kickstarted because my son shows natural intelligence and I don't want him to waste it. So I am trying to learn as much as I can so it can be passed on.

He is interested in the guitar, in many books (I bought shakespeare's works for him), in astronomy etc... etc.. and he is only 3. I don't think my parents stimulated me enough, so I became lazy and badly behaved. I am trying to do more to prevent this in my son. I have a keen interest in Human Psychology and this has made me analyse all aspects of my life and development, and I think I see where it went wrong.

Financially, I am succesful... But I have no job satisfaction which makes me a failure. I am at peace with it now, and may one day try a more fufilling job. But, when you have no worries and are paid well, it's hard to make that change.

*ignore my spelling and grammar above. I can see mistakes, but I am still upset at the fact I wrote an essay and don't want to spend more time correcting the above. Merci.

 

[Prize Gotti]

You know if everyone stopped giving a fuck, every one would be happy. I dont give a fuck about much, and i'm happy as fuck. I found myself more miserable when I cared. The only thing that pisses me off is people with no lateral thought or logic, its commonly know as "ignorance" which seems to be a common trend on this board.

 

[Casey]

Since we're all being honest...

I feel selfish as fuck sometimes for living my dream and dedicating my life to it. It's come at the expense of a day-to-day social life (outside of the music industry) and has ruined relationships with many people I cared about. Maybe it's even prevented me from exploring other avenues of things that I may enjoy. But the competition is so fierce that it simply doesn't work any other way. In the words of the manager from Rick Springfield's 80's rock opera movie "Hard To Hold" - "Everybody thinks the music industry is all tits and champagne." It's the hardest fucking job in the world. People will snake you out in a second to try and get ahead. People with less talent than you might do better and people with more talent may struggle and give up. Both of those things are depressing to think about.

On top of all that, sometimes I wonder if I deliberately get myself into shitty situations so that I have something to write about. Like I'm self sabotaging my own life so I can write better songs. If I am, it's fucking working because I've written the best stuff of my life recently. But I wonder if travelling further down that path will literally drive me insane. I need a fucking vacation, or something.

 

[Sebastian]

You know if everyone stopped giving a fuck, every one would be happy. I dont give a fuck about much, and i'm happy as fuck. I found myself more miserable when I cared. The only thing that pisses me off is people with no lateral thought or logic, its commonly know as "ignorance" which seems to be a common trend on this board.

 

[Prize Gotti]

At least you have the intelligence to know when people talk about you. Give yourself a gold star.

 

[Ristol]

Prize Gotti and Sebastian: just fuck already and get it over with.

I feel like I should apologize for this thread. Hey, at least I didn't post it on Facebook.

 

[Jokerman]

At what point can you free yourself from the backbreaking expectations of people who knew you way back when? Weren't we all going to set the world on fire at some point?

First of all, stop having the idea that you have to justify your life. If you're like many people, about half your time is spent justifying yourself to other people, for the work you do, the emotions you have, or the relationships you have. This continual justification is a big distraction that causes you to lose focus on what you're doing. And focus is important. The most productive people are the ones who can maintain their focus on whatever work they're doing at the moment, the way a professional ball player keeps focused on the ball.

Most people don't decide whether or not to pursue their dreams. They consult other people and wait for their approval. If their ideas are rejected, chances are they'll give up their dreams rather than oppose the people who advised against it. Even if they do go ahead and do what they want, they allow the influence of other people to make them feel fearful and guilty. They don't approach their dream with an open heart and mind, and this breaks the flow of energy.

You generally consult the same people for support, advice, and acceptance. So in time, you begin to know in advance what these people will accept or reject and, as a result, you begin to edit your thoughts. You don't share your real feelings, desires, and ambitions. Instead, you say only what you think the people want to hear. That way, you will be accepted. But what happens to the part of you that no one knows about? It becomes secret. In time, it can manifest as a pathology or addiction.

Start by honoring yourself: it's your life. You're the only one who's going to live it. No one else has the right to tell you who you are, what you are, and how you're going to live.

And if your dreams were hackneyed or stupid, get new dreams. I believe every person has the capacity to change who he or she is. I do not accept the notions of 12-step programs, ongoing therapy, and the kind of self-help books that keep you reliving past traumas. You can engage all these and still stay the same by using the past as an excuse not to actualize the present. You define who you are by what you've done and, in the process, lose sight of your potential.

You need to suspend judgment and become vulnerable in order to accept that there is another way of perceiving life. If you're not open to that possibility then you have no future. You must trust and believe in yourself. You must get excited by your own dreams and capabilities. Every day I look at the projects that I want to do. Then I write them down. They don't have to be done that day, but I want to keep my mind centered on my plans. I'm always examining my potential so I can make something happen.

Don't take yourself or what you do too seriously. Just know that everything you do is the best that you can do. Even if what you do isn't as good as you would like it to be, know that if you strive a little more you will do better. You're not striving out of anxiety or fear, you're not working for ego gratification. You're not trying to gain approval from the world to prove to other people that you're alright. You're doing it as part of a natural process of growth. Watch a horse run in a pasture. The horse is not running in order to win a trophy. It's running for the joy of running. It's natural to run. We forget to do what is natural, to honor our natural energies.

 

[Ristol]

Thanks Jokerman. You're a gentleman and a scholar.

 

[S O F I]

Easier said than done but it's always nice to read it. We're socially designed to seek approval and respect by others. One of Maslow's needs.

 

[Shadows]

Since we're all being honest...

I feel selfish as fuck sometimes for living my dream and dedicating my life to it. It's come at the expense of a day-to-day social life (outside of the music industry) and has ruined relationships with many people I cared about. Maybe it's even prevented me from exploring other avenues of things that I may enjoy. But the competition is so fierce that it simply doesn't work any other way. In the words of the manager from Rick Springfield's 80's rock opera movie "Hard To Hold" - "Everybody thinks the music industry is all tits and champagne." It's the hardest fucking job in the world. People will snake you out in a second to try and get ahead. People with less talent than you might do better and people with more talent may struggle and give up. Both of those things are depressing to think about.

On top of all that, sometimes I wonder if I deliberately get myself into shitty situations so that I have something to write about. Like I'm self sabotaging my own life so I can write better songs. If I am, it's fucking working because I've written the best stuff of my life recently. But I wonder if travelling further down that path will literally drive me insane. I need a fucking vacation, or something.

I may be wrong, but i noticed that song writers do this...like this may be a bad example but The Dream. He stepped his game up, then he started to lose it, then he cheated on his girl and stepped his game up after a lot of drama. Or even Tupac, always in the hood to share the memories of everyone...etc.

anyway,
I feel like you either have imagination or lots of logic, and as a writer if you have logic, you know how to structure a song very well, but are missing content you don't feel, so one would inadvertently put themselves in a situation to improve, you do just that.

Whatever you do, if you feel like you're missing out on life, don't get into drugs my man. I seen you post about sad dreams on FB, and as a beginning song writer myself, i know a small amount of pressure to try and top your last song. I can only imagine, being in a situation as you.

@Jokerman - I remember saying similar shit to someone before. It's all psych 101 sprinkled with some common sense and observation.

When you said something about most people give up on their dreams because of what others might think, that's why i don't tell anyone my dreams, but the one who i know will support me in anything i do, my girl. ...and if she doesn't support my dream, i know she isn't the one, bc my dream will always be for the well being of my fam, her and i.

@Ristol - Whoever you're feeling pressure from, i imagine society, which is why i told you to just keep your cool, know that the less you worry about anything and just focus on improving, the more you will psyche yourself. Write short stories, critique it for days, read other legendary short stories, than go back and critique. That's the only way to get better.

As far as financially and all that other stuff that usually holds people back from their dreams, always remember what most famous ppl that came from the gutter say, "If i could do it, you can too."