found this an old issue of maxim, thought it was funny as hell...
Words by Steven Russell and Alex Straus
Rule # 1 Thou Shalt not Rent Chocolat
Rule # 6 Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
Rule # 85 When quried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentis, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his existence.
Rule # 212 Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
Rule # 404 Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move. Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move furniture: You'd rather stay home and watch re-runs of Speed Buggy.
Rule # 1,219 If you've known a guy for more than 24hrs, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you plan to marry her.
Rule # 1,699 Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refridgerator is forbidden, but gripe at will if the temperature's unsuitable.
Rule # 2,284 (the patton principle) Falling on a grenade for a buddy (i.e. agreeing to distract the sknaky friend of the hot babe he is trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up bonking the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
:Rule # 2,811 If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem....you didn't see anything!!!
Rule # 4,671 While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies' girlfriends within 30mins of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pals' significant dick-heads---low level sports bonding is all the law requies. (Sorry ladies: it's called a double standard because it's twice as true)
Rule # 8,000 Friends don't let friends wear speeods.Ever.Issue closed.
Rule # 8,812 Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
Rule # 9,048 You cannot rat a co worker fwho shows up at work with a hangover. You may however hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness down on his computer monitor so he thinks it's broken and have hime paged every 7mins on the loudspeaker.
Rule # 9,076 When recieving oral sex while driving always: Wear your seatbelt, close the sunroof, smile and make extended eye contact with as many women in other cars as possible.
Rule # 9,374 If you catch your woman screwing your best friend, let your state's crimes-of-passion laws be your guide.
Rule # 9,546 Things you can always cheat on: your taxes, the SATs, and your resume. Things you can never cheat on: golf, darts, poker.
Rule # 9,806 The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunk monkey sex. the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the disscussion about what a mistake it was.
Rule # 9,998 Always split aces and eights. No arguements.
there's more, i'll post them later.
Words by Steven Russell and Alex Straus
Rule # 1 Thou Shalt not Rent Chocolat
Rule # 6 Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
Rule # 85 When quried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentis, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his existence.
Rule # 212 Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
Rule # 404 Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move. Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move furniture: You'd rather stay home and watch re-runs of Speed Buggy.
Rule # 1,219 If you've known a guy for more than 24hrs, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you plan to marry her.
Rule # 1,699 Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refridgerator is forbidden, but gripe at will if the temperature's unsuitable.
Rule # 2,284 (the patton principle) Falling on a grenade for a buddy (i.e. agreeing to distract the sknaky friend of the hot babe he is trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up bonking the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
:Rule # 2,811 If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem....you didn't see anything!!!
Rule # 4,671 While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies' girlfriends within 30mins of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pals' significant dick-heads---low level sports bonding is all the law requies. (Sorry ladies: it's called a double standard because it's twice as true)
Rule # 8,000 Friends don't let friends wear speeods.Ever.Issue closed.
Rule # 8,812 Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
Rule # 9,048 You cannot rat a co worker fwho shows up at work with a hangover. You may however hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness down on his computer monitor so he thinks it's broken and have hime paged every 7mins on the loudspeaker.
Rule # 9,076 When recieving oral sex while driving always: Wear your seatbelt, close the sunroof, smile and make extended eye contact with as many women in other cars as possible.
Rule # 9,374 If you catch your woman screwing your best friend, let your state's crimes-of-passion laws be your guide.
Rule # 9,546 Things you can always cheat on: your taxes, the SATs, and your resume. Things you can never cheat on: golf, darts, poker.
Rule # 9,806 The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunk monkey sex. the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the disscussion about what a mistake it was.
Rule # 9,998 Always split aces and eights. No arguements.
there's more, i'll post them later.
