Amara said:
.How can I change this, how can I teach myself to be more sociable?
You say you’re not really shy but quiet, and you don’t really know what to say. The first step in overcoming your problem is to acknowledge that what you call quiet is anxiety, a very specific kind of anxiety. Anxiety is an attitudinal, emotional, behavioral, and physical response to stress, although not necessarily a negative response.
Picture yourself about to enter a social gathering. You approach the door, behind which a number of ppl are talking, laughing, having fun. Your mind focuses on anticipation, “What will happen when I enter the room!” “What will I talk about!” “What will they think of me!” Your pulse begins to quicken, adrenaline starts pumping, and you are anxious. Now, anxiety
is appropriate in this situation. But it becomes negative if the person begins to worry about what is going on inside the room. “Will anyone talk to me?” “Am I dressed right?” “Will I seem nervous?” At that point it’s the degree of incapacity--the extent to which the anxious feelings and thoughts prevent interacting--that becomes the most important issue. It’s a question of degree, and there are many degrees of anxiety. Some nervousness is all right, but not so much that you begin to run from interacting with other people, or else your mind responds by shutting down and staying out of the interactions. In short, playing it safe.
You might think that it’s just that you don’t have anything to say, or that you don’t have or care for small talk. Not so. It stems from anxiety. And by staying in the safe (quiet) zone that you’ve made for yourself, you make it possible to be there at all. In other words, it’s your response to social anxiety. But anxiety is a simple fact of life that can be managed. And one way to manage it is by learning relaxation skills. I could go more into this in another post, if you’re interested
You must also work on the ability to process social information--take it in, store it, and retrieve it--as you interact. Socially anxious people engage in self-focused thinking which impairs their ability to process social information. The more attention you pay to yourself, the less attention you are paying to others, and the less approachable you will seem. You will also be more anxious and your mind will freeze up. But conversation is a skill that can be learned. Ask a question. Voice an opinion. State a fact. It’s really simple once the anxiety and possible low self-esteem are under your control.
When was the last time you left your house to go to the store? Yesterday? Last week? How did you get there? Walk? Drive? Whatever the case, you were able to negotiate going to the store via a very important process that you probably take for granted. Each street, every step, every turn, was a part of a map you had programmed in your brain. Without this map or program, you would not have gotten there. What frequently keeps a person from being able to do something is the lack of a map or direction. As you work on relaxation techniques and social skills, new maps for new areas will soon develop…
