I need a bit of help...

[Amara]

Well, I don't really like posting threads like this...but well, I need some help and could use some advice...See, the thing is, I've always been quiet... not necessarily shy but quiet. It is really getting to me at the moment because i feel like I am letting my bf down because of it.

If I'm talking to random individuals, I have no trouble making conversation. If it's a group of people or someone who I have been introduced to, like my bf friends or something, I just cant do it. I have nothing to say, I cant think of anything. I freeze up and sit like an idiot and people end up thinking I'm a snobby bitch... which makes it even harder for me to relax because I know they dont like me.

I just cant seem to come up with small chit chat. I dont want people, especially friends or family of my boyfriend to dislike me, yet because of this cold side of my personality, I make it so difficult for people to like me. I'm worried that this will let my bf down, not to meantion hinder me as I go about my life in the future...

I guess I feel like I have nothing to say that anyone would want to hear. I'm so aware of what I say that I am affraid to say anything.

How can I change this, how can I teach myself to be more sociable?

(I appreciate any advice anyone could give).

 

[k69atie]

have you told your bf this?

 

[Amara]

^ I'm sure he is aware because he would have noticed it happening when I tense up and get silent... although I havent told him how bad I feel about it.

 

[Rukas]

^ I'm sure he is aware because he would have noticed it happening when I tense up and get silent... although I havent told him how bad I feel about it.

Well, you should probably discuss it with your boyfriend then.

Chit chat is easy, all you need to do is ask someone how they are, or what they do, and they will talk about themselves and then ask you the same, at which point hopefully you will be comfterble enough to reply.

Most people are self centered and like talking about themselves, so simply ask questions.

There you have it, Chit Chat 101.

 

[k69atie]

^ I'm sure he is aware because he would have noticed it happening when I tense up and get silent... although I havent told him how bad I feel about it.

I agree with rukas, you should speak to your bf, and tell him how you feel, i am sure he will help you to feel at ease

 

[The.Menace]

Aiight, first of all, talk to me on msn.

I guess I feel like I have nothing to say that anyone would want to hear. I'm so aware of what I say that I am affraid to say anything.

Well, I think they point is not to worry to much about what you wanna say. DON'T try to say something that "anyone would want to hear" - say what you think and don't care too much about if others want to hear it. Hey, if you talk about politics or whatever and they don't agree, it's all good cause then you can have a conversation and that is what you want....and btw girl, you don't have to fear no discussion, I know that for sure.

It's a stereotype but it's true, alcohol does help. So just make sure next time you have dinner with your bf's parents or whatever that he's drivin and that you can have 1-2 glasses of vine,

 

[Rukas]

The thing is Amara, you are an extremely intelligent girl who would bless anyone you talk to with either some knowledge, or just a genuinely honest conversation. You should feel at ease knowing that anyone you talk to will instantly be impressed by you, so there is no need to be shy or freeze up.

Just let yourself flow.\

Regardless, in the end the most important thing is that you can openly communicate with your boyfriend, that is what counts.

 

[Ghetto_Ghost]

i think you should tell him beause if it was me this would bother me. but if you explain it to him like you did here, then if it was me i would understand.
so tell him, its better than not telling him.

 

[Emma]

I'm a bit like that too. I can talk to people I know very easily but with other people I meet it's kinda hard. Like I don't wanna say the wrong thing to them

It's more of a confidence tho, I'm not very confident so I'm rather shy and it sucks :/

 

[Amara]

Aiight, first of all, talk to me on msn.

Well, I think they point is not to worry to much about what you wanna say. DON'T try to say something that "anyone would want to hear" - say what you think and don't care too much about if others want to hear it. Hey, if you talk about politics or whatever and they don't agree, it's all good cause then you can have a conversation and that is what you want....and btw girl, you don't have to fear no discussion, I know that for sure.

It's a stereotype but it's true, alcohol does help. So just make sure next time you have dinner with your bf's parents or whatever that he's drivin and that you can have 1-2 glasses of vine,

lol. True, a glass or two of wine tends to help. Loosens the inhibitions! I think you are right though, I do care too much about wanting to say what I think people want to hear. I guess that is the difference between, for example talking to people at work as opposed to people I feel I have to impress. At work, I dont care what people think or what I say.... so I crap on and everyone knows me. When I feel I am being judged, as in, I feel I have to make a good impression because I care what people think of me, I dont feel so free to discuss my opinions.

The thing is Amara, you are an extremely intelligent girl who would bless anyone you talk to with either some knowledge, or just a genuinely honest conversation. You should feel at ease knowing that anyone you talk to will instantly be impressed by you, so there is no need to be shy or freeze up.

Just let yourself flow.\

Regardless, in the end the most important thing is that you can openly communicate with your boyfriend, that is what counts.

I know I have a lot to say and would like to share my opinions, the problem is, when I am under the gun I really do lock up as in all my thoughts leave my head and I cant think of anything to say. I cant articulate thoughts. I have nothing to say. But thanks for the kind words. I dont know, I guess letting people talk is what I do best and I like to hear others, I just cant even come up with questions!

btw, I intend to discuss this further with my bf, I didnt want to turn this into a bf issue so much as a how best can I overcome my lack of sociability. Thanks for the concern though in that regard guys, appreciate it.

 

[.cloud.]

I'm much the same, and I find that it helps me a lot to have a few familiar faces in the group. perhaps have some of your friends around or something when you meet your BF's friends? or like, invite mutual friends of you & your BF over or something to when you know you're gonna be with a group of individuals you don't know, and see that helps loosen things up a little bit around your BF's friends.

 

[Amara]

I'm a bit like that too. I can talk to people I know very easily but with other people I meet it's kinda hard. Like I don't wanna say the wrong thing to them

It's more of a confidence tho, I'm not very confident so I'm rather shy and it sucks :/

Yeah that's exactly it. I'm not overly confident either. Sometimes I really wish I was one of those confident people who are blissfully ignorant of all their faults...

There is this excellent quote which explains me well, "there are those who speak when they have something to say and those who speak because they have to say something." I cant talk whenever to whoever.... I just dont have the confidence, I dont wanna look like a fool.

 

[Rukas]

I know I have a lot to say and would like to share my opinions, the problem is, when I am under the gun I really do lock up as in all my thoughts leave my head and I cant think of anything to say. I cant articulate thoughts. I have nothing to say. But thanks for the kind words. I dont know, I guess letting people talk is what I do best and I like to hear others, I just cant even come up with questions!

So start with chit chat, "how are you?", "where do you work?", "what background are you"? (i know u love that one!). Maybe dumb chit chat like that will loosen you up enough, and something of interest will come up in regards to occupation or whatever, that you will be able to discuss in more depth.

 

[Chronic]

I have this problem on a very extreme level, so much that it's horribly affecting my life.
I haven't been able to find a solution and it seems to be getting worse. Even if you don't care what the people think of you the quietness will drive you crazy because you're constantly thinking about it "which makes it even harder for me to relax".

If you're scared of the consequences in the future you can always get some professional help. Better now than later.

 

[bigmack]

yeah eaaaaaase up a bit,you are thinking too much about it that it's getting to you. relax a bit. like ruk said ask a few simeple questions,then it will progress from there.

 

[tupacmansion]

just start off with a simple question like one of Ruk's examples, im sure the conversation should flow after that. The worst thing to do is to just stay totally silent, especially when you've got so much to say. Next time your in that situation, 'just say somethin!'

 

[Flipmo]

Act like me Amara. Actually, don't act like me. I'm goofy to the point ppl think it's mental retardation. Like Rukas said, go with the topic starters. What's your nationality, where do you live currently, etc.
You told me you're somewhat of a goof also, so be somewhat goofy, maybe that can keep you relaxed for a bit. No?

 

[SicC]

if u dont got nothing to say, then say nothing, if people think your a snob, so be it, fuck what they think. just let ur boytoy know and just be like "no offense to your homies but i dont got much to say", he knows u got plenty to say to him so thats all that should matter at the end of the day.

pz

 

[AmerikazMost]

I used to be like that. I don't know how I did it, but I just stopped caring. I don't really think there's saying a wrong thing anyway. If they're your boyfriend's friends, then most likely it's comfortable so you don't have to worry about "going too far" with something, but if you're worried about saying something dumb, just look at who you're talking to. They're most likely dumber than you, so don't worry about that.

If you just can't think of anything to say, let them say something first and build off it. I do that, and I'm a smart ass, so I can make inane comments about anything. I've had 4 hours conversations and can't remember a single damn thing of importance said.

 

[Amara]

I have this problem on a very extreme level, so much that it's horribly affecting my life.
I haven't been able to find a solution and it seems to be getting worse. Even if you don't care what the people think of you the quietness will drive you crazy because you're constantly thinking about it "which makes it even harder for me to relax".

If you're scared of the consequences in the future you can always get some professional help. Better now than later.

Yeah I think it is getting worse for me as well.... I was never like this as a kid, it's just progressively got worse as my awareness of it grew.

What kind of professional help could I seek? They have self-confidence classes and stuff... I dunno though.


Thing is, I do care what people think. That is why I cant relax, that is why I dont want to be perceived as a snob. I guess also a lot of my friends and family are outgoing people, so I've always had them as a bit of a shelter to hide behind and rely on. I've always faded into the background with them around.

What should I do with people who I already know background info on....? What happens when I exhaust the simple, basic questions....?