really old (early 2004 internet journal) but i got some laughs
http://www.livejournal.com/community/hiphopmusic/849550.html
Due to popular demand, I've decided to post this grand list of horrible mistakes in rhymes. I'm not sure of the original author/compiler, but I believe it originally appeared on the mosdefinitely.com boards. The guy even gave a short run-down of why each rhyme sucked so badly. It's pretty long, so get ready.
"Those with a tiny hiny get whiny whiny"
- Cam'Ron from 5 Boroughs (1999)
He should get his record contract revoked for this one. When he transformed from Killa Kam to "Cam'Ron the friendly Harlem thug," that was enough. He didn't have to spit this. I have to deduct cool points from KRS-One, just for having this line on his song. Cam is one of the only people that can make you think: "damn, Mase would have been better on this song." But I guess he's a business man. He's not tryin to be lyrical.
"First family will gradually lift that ass up like gravity"
- Lil' Fame (of M.O.P.) from Half and Half (1998)
"Mommy, what do I need school for?...I'm gonna be a rapper when I grow up." I must have been absent the day they explained how gravity lifts that ass up. You can't even blame M.O.P. for this tragedy. Guru, Premier, the engineer, and A&R are all responsible. SOMEONE should have heard this error before the song hit the shelves. This is uncalled for.
"You the Captain, I'm the crunch"
- Master P from Hoody Hoo (1999)
What? I understand it must be a difficult task to run a multi-million dollar record label, while wrestling, chasing hoop dreams, managing, and marketing a fashion line. But was this really necessary? If someone earns as much money as P, he should be able to afford a decent ghostwriter.
"Tyson bit Holyfield's ear, we love the sport"
- Ghostface Killah from Holocaust (1998)
I'll never forget the day I heard this track. Some new cat, Holocaust, dropped one of the best verses of the year. Moments later, Tony Starks comes in to share his unique brand of lyricism with the world. This line cannot go unpunished. My suggestion: strap him to a chair, tape some headphones on him, and force him to listen to his own rhymes for 48 hours.
"Lemonade was a popular drink and it still is"
- Guru from DWYCK (1994)
I think Guru is practicing for his next job, should Premier decide to leave Gangstarr. Opening a lemonade stand might be the only option for the king of monotone. Or he could do a door-to-door tour for the 38 people that bought Jazzmatazz.
"I say butter, you say parkay"
- Greg Nice from DWYCK (1994)
Another classic line from "DWYCK." 20 monkeys on typewriters couldn't compete with the creative energy in the studio that day. I can't believe the Nice & Smooth comeback album didn't go triple platinum. It's an injustice.
"Ayo, we light a candle, run laps around the English channel
Neptunes got a cockerspaniel"
- Noreaga from Superthug (1998)
Didn't you hear the interlude on Raekwon's album? Ghost doesn't want anyone biting his style, Nore.
"I drink Hennesy straight, with Tomato Juice"
- Noreaga from Banned from TV (1998)
Straight with tomato juice? Damn. I really like this line because it reminds me of the time I went skinny dipping with clothes on. For those of you who haven't caught on yet, drinking something straight implies that you don't have a chaser. Another gem from the oxymoron thug.
"My dad, he was a boxer god, and he was really was glad"
- Noreaga from Sometimes (1998)
I only wish this was a misquote. His dad was really was glad...hmmmm. "With liquor in his belly son, he made up the track"-Mos Def
"I play bitch niggas like bitches"
- Group Home from Suspended in Time (1995)
How profound. I think if something had happened to Premier, these fellas would have been working under Guru at his lemonade stand. One could be responsible for water...the other could tackle the sugar.
"why you sleepin' with your eyes closed?"
- Timbaland from Get On the Bus (1998)
Poor Timothy is overworked. If I saw Missy every time I closed my eyes, I think I'd learn to sleep with my eyes open too.
"Wackest emcees, we pee on those"
- Mr.Eon (of High & Mighty) from B-Boy Document '99 (1999)
Is Mr.Eon admitting that he still wets the bed? A lot of people say Mos Def and Mad Skillz made him look bad on this song. I think his rhymes were enough to do that.
"Oh No"
- Noreaga (1999)
I've been listening to hip-hop for most of my life, and I can't think of any song more appropriately titled. Every time it comes on, "OH NO" is the first thought that comes to mind. Check for the remix, "Oh No, please make it stop," featuring Hurricane G and Flesh-n-Bone
"I'm hungry for cheese like Hungry, Hungry Hippo"
- Project Pat from Ballers (1999)
Let me take you guys on a tour through the mean streets of Tennessee, where the thugs and ballers can be found on the grind, playing the finest in Milton Bradly board games (age 6-12). Keep your arms inside the tour bus at all times. Straight ahead, we have Triple Six Mafia tearing the board up on Candyland. If you look to your left, you can see Gangsta Boo on Chutes & Ladders.
"a hundred thousand times one"
- Ghostface Killah from Winter Warz (1999)
The first line to make Raekwon ask "Yo, God...what the fuck you talkin about? That shit sounds like gibberish. 100,000 x 1?"
"scalp ya like a scalper"
- Turk from Ridin' (1999)
Rewind, back when Turk was just starting to rhyme...1997:
Teacher: Hi kids, welcome to rhyme school. Today's lesson is: the simile
Kids: Ooooooooh
Teacher: a simile is an imaginative comparison between two things of a DIFFERENT nature
Kids: Ooooooooh
Turk: *counting (Baby's) money*
Teacher: Are you paying attention, Young Turk?
Turk: Man, fuck you, I'm a Hot Boy.
Teacher: A what boy?
Turk: You know, wodie...I'm on fire. I'll burn ya like a burner.
Teacher: Whoa-day? What did you just call me, you little nigglet?
Turk: Look, I'm a HB. I don't need this. *walks out of class*
And so ends Young Turk's training. Now he roams the globe looking for talented emcees foolish enough to challenge the Magnolia rebel.
"In '95 I'ma max like Nissan
I'MA MAX, get it??? MAX...I'MA...MAX-IMA"
- Shyheim from Can You feel It (1996)
With such finesse, wit, and subtly, it's almost impossible to tell Shyheim apart from his mentor, Method Man. Coming Soon to SoundCircuit.com: a "feed the Wu Fam" fund raiser. There's a lot of starving Wu-Tang affiliates in the world, and it's time we do our part. What kind of future is there in dying in TLC videos? Let's chip in and get this man an education (and a comb).
"Company Flow the toughest penis sucky sucky"
- El-P from Population Control (1997)
Company Flow is the best Asian prostitute blow job? Man, these guys are just so underground and over my head. I give up...back to Puff Daddy and Will Smith. Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na
"If you don't bring back my mother fuckin money or my mother fuckin dope, you can forget about Christmas nigga, cause you ain't gon even see new years"
- Master P from Do You Know (1998)
I heard No Limit was coming out with a calendar soon. They'd better have Mercedes' ass up in the air for every month, so no one notices New Years coming before Christmas.
"My paragraph alone is worth 5 mics
A 12 song LP, that's 36 mics!!!"
- Redman from 5 Boroughs (1999)
While thinking of a caption for this quote, I couldn't figure out whether to make fun of his bad math, or the fact that 5 and 36 don't rhyme. After nearing meltdown, I've concluded that this lyric is wack beyond the realm of human explanation. It appears we have a stalemate Reggie Noble. But I promise, we WILL meet again!
"Never let me slip, cause if I slip, then I'm slippin"
- Dr. Dre from Nuthin' But a 'G' Thang (1992)
The early 90's were rough for hip-hop. In a time of low-riders, hitting switches, and studio gangsters, the West Coast was in need of a socially relevant lyricist. Enter Andre Young. As poignant as he is clever, Dr. Dre offers his insightful perspective on the black experience like no other. I'm not sure why he insists on letting inferior lyricists, such as Eminem and Jay-Z, ghostwrite some of his recent projects, when it's obvious that he could outshine either of them at a moment's notice. Perhaps he has become bored with his own genius.
"I predicted I'ma die squeezin, thuggin through the 5 seasons"
- Capone on You Can't Kill Me (2000)
Five seasons? Hmmmmmm. Let's see, Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall, and...ah yes, WABBIT SEASON. Elmer Thug in this bitch.
"You wanna see how far I'ma go
How much but you already know...
Zip zero, stingy with dinero
Might buy you Crys, but that about it
Might light your wrist, but that about it
Fuck it, I might wife you and buy you nice whips"
- Jay-Z from I Just Wanna Love You (2000)
See, my nigga Jig won't spend a dime on a broad, except for some jewelry and a couple cars. That nigga raw! You can't be out here catering to these hoes' every need...you gotta be hard on 'em. I remember one time, I had a little yamp, and I didn't spend a penny on her. Yeah, I bought her a 3-story mansion for her and her friends, but that bitch wanted me to buy her furniture too. I said "Get your own, trick! What I look like, some kinda simp" Can you believe the nerve of these hoes?
"Whats Next, whats N-X-E-T"
- Warren G from What's Next (1994)
It's too bad he grew up surrounded by music. It seems Warren had a promising career as a Vice President.
"niggaz in the Bronx call me Lex cause I push a Lex
and I rock a Rolex and I lounge on Lex"
- Peter Gunz from Déjà vu (Uptown Baby) (1998)
Shut the fuck up.
"You won't be around next year"
- Craig Mack from Flava in your Ear (1994)
This lyric is either a brutally honest introspection, or the greatest example of irony in hip-hop history. You be the judge.
"I can double my density
From 360 degrees to 720 instantly
6 multiplied by 5, by 4, by 3, by 2, then 1
G'head and calculate the sum"
- Canibus from Funkmaster Flex Freestyle (1998)
If you measured density by degrees, wouldn't that be fun?
And what if multiplying numbers really gave you a sum?
It's Nigganometry!
This was actually a skit called "Nigganometry 2" from Canibus' latest album, but it was taken off because it didn't suck enough.
"I'm a sucker for cornrows and manicured toes"
- Nelly from E.I. (2000)
You can't manicure toes, only fingers. You'd pedicu-- wait... unless... oh my god. Nelly fucks monkeys! A pop star with an ape fetish...how embarrassing. Could this be the highly publicized Ebay rumor that Nelly mentioned on "#1"? Monkey fucker.
"38 revolve like the sun around the earth"
- Jay-Z from It's Hot (1999)
Some people might view this as a clumsy disregard for physics, but it's deeper than that. You see, most rappers that act conceited would suggest that the world revolves around them, but Jay-Z's so advanced that he thinks the entire universe revolves around his world. That's sheer brilliance! Okay, it's just a clumsy disregard for physics. C'mon Jay, use your... BRAAAAAAAAAAIIIIN.
"wet a nigga like umbrellas"
- Lil Wayne from Fuck Wit Me Now (2000)
W'zannin lil' whodi. What happen when you cross a trill azz ganxta with a mufuckin billionaire? You get a Y2K gorilla, my nigga. We find new ways to kill you haters, like drownin' a nigga in a empty pool in the dessert wearin' a platinum life jacket, ya heard me. CMR 4 Life nigguh!
-----here's a few more:
How bout this classic from Nice N Smooth:
"Dizzy Gillespie played the Sax"
Wrong. He played the trumpet.
"I'm your worse nightmare squared, thats double for niggas who ain't mathematically aware.."
- cannibus and Common
http://www.livejournal.com/community/hiphopmusic/849550.html
Due to popular demand, I've decided to post this grand list of horrible mistakes in rhymes. I'm not sure of the original author/compiler, but I believe it originally appeared on the mosdefinitely.com boards. The guy even gave a short run-down of why each rhyme sucked so badly. It's pretty long, so get ready.
"Those with a tiny hiny get whiny whiny"
- Cam'Ron from 5 Boroughs (1999)
He should get his record contract revoked for this one. When he transformed from Killa Kam to "Cam'Ron the friendly Harlem thug," that was enough. He didn't have to spit this. I have to deduct cool points from KRS-One, just for having this line on his song. Cam is one of the only people that can make you think: "damn, Mase would have been better on this song." But I guess he's a business man. He's not tryin to be lyrical.
"First family will gradually lift that ass up like gravity"
- Lil' Fame (of M.O.P.) from Half and Half (1998)
"Mommy, what do I need school for?...I'm gonna be a rapper when I grow up." I must have been absent the day they explained how gravity lifts that ass up. You can't even blame M.O.P. for this tragedy. Guru, Premier, the engineer, and A&R are all responsible. SOMEONE should have heard this error before the song hit the shelves. This is uncalled for.
"You the Captain, I'm the crunch"
- Master P from Hoody Hoo (1999)
What? I understand it must be a difficult task to run a multi-million dollar record label, while wrestling, chasing hoop dreams, managing, and marketing a fashion line. But was this really necessary? If someone earns as much money as P, he should be able to afford a decent ghostwriter.
"Tyson bit Holyfield's ear, we love the sport"
- Ghostface Killah from Holocaust (1998)
I'll never forget the day I heard this track. Some new cat, Holocaust, dropped one of the best verses of the year. Moments later, Tony Starks comes in to share his unique brand of lyricism with the world. This line cannot go unpunished. My suggestion: strap him to a chair, tape some headphones on him, and force him to listen to his own rhymes for 48 hours.
"Lemonade was a popular drink and it still is"
- Guru from DWYCK (1994)
I think Guru is practicing for his next job, should Premier decide to leave Gangstarr. Opening a lemonade stand might be the only option for the king of monotone. Or he could do a door-to-door tour for the 38 people that bought Jazzmatazz.
"I say butter, you say parkay"
- Greg Nice from DWYCK (1994)
Another classic line from "DWYCK." 20 monkeys on typewriters couldn't compete with the creative energy in the studio that day. I can't believe the Nice & Smooth comeback album didn't go triple platinum. It's an injustice.
"Ayo, we light a candle, run laps around the English channel
Neptunes got a cockerspaniel"
- Noreaga from Superthug (1998)
Didn't you hear the interlude on Raekwon's album? Ghost doesn't want anyone biting his style, Nore.
"I drink Hennesy straight, with Tomato Juice"
- Noreaga from Banned from TV (1998)
Straight with tomato juice? Damn. I really like this line because it reminds me of the time I went skinny dipping with clothes on. For those of you who haven't caught on yet, drinking something straight implies that you don't have a chaser. Another gem from the oxymoron thug.
"My dad, he was a boxer god, and he was really was glad"
- Noreaga from Sometimes (1998)
I only wish this was a misquote. His dad was really was glad...hmmmm. "With liquor in his belly son, he made up the track"-Mos Def
"I play bitch niggas like bitches"
- Group Home from Suspended in Time (1995)
How profound. I think if something had happened to Premier, these fellas would have been working under Guru at his lemonade stand. One could be responsible for water...the other could tackle the sugar.
"why you sleepin' with your eyes closed?"
- Timbaland from Get On the Bus (1998)
Poor Timothy is overworked. If I saw Missy every time I closed my eyes, I think I'd learn to sleep with my eyes open too.
"Wackest emcees, we pee on those"
- Mr.Eon (of High & Mighty) from B-Boy Document '99 (1999)
Is Mr.Eon admitting that he still wets the bed? A lot of people say Mos Def and Mad Skillz made him look bad on this song. I think his rhymes were enough to do that.
"Oh No"
- Noreaga (1999)
I've been listening to hip-hop for most of my life, and I can't think of any song more appropriately titled. Every time it comes on, "OH NO" is the first thought that comes to mind. Check for the remix, "Oh No, please make it stop," featuring Hurricane G and Flesh-n-Bone
"I'm hungry for cheese like Hungry, Hungry Hippo"
- Project Pat from Ballers (1999)
Let me take you guys on a tour through the mean streets of Tennessee, where the thugs and ballers can be found on the grind, playing the finest in Milton Bradly board games (age 6-12). Keep your arms inside the tour bus at all times. Straight ahead, we have Triple Six Mafia tearing the board up on Candyland. If you look to your left, you can see Gangsta Boo on Chutes & Ladders.
"a hundred thousand times one"
- Ghostface Killah from Winter Warz (1999)
The first line to make Raekwon ask "Yo, God...what the fuck you talkin about? That shit sounds like gibberish. 100,000 x 1?"
"scalp ya like a scalper"
- Turk from Ridin' (1999)
Rewind, back when Turk was just starting to rhyme...1997:
Teacher: Hi kids, welcome to rhyme school. Today's lesson is: the simile
Kids: Ooooooooh
Teacher: a simile is an imaginative comparison between two things of a DIFFERENT nature
Kids: Ooooooooh
Turk: *counting (Baby's) money*
Teacher: Are you paying attention, Young Turk?
Turk: Man, fuck you, I'm a Hot Boy.
Teacher: A what boy?
Turk: You know, wodie...I'm on fire. I'll burn ya like a burner.
Teacher: Whoa-day? What did you just call me, you little nigglet?
Turk: Look, I'm a HB. I don't need this. *walks out of class*
And so ends Young Turk's training. Now he roams the globe looking for talented emcees foolish enough to challenge the Magnolia rebel.
"In '95 I'ma max like Nissan
I'MA MAX, get it??? MAX...I'MA...MAX-IMA"
- Shyheim from Can You feel It (1996)
With such finesse, wit, and subtly, it's almost impossible to tell Shyheim apart from his mentor, Method Man. Coming Soon to SoundCircuit.com: a "feed the Wu Fam" fund raiser. There's a lot of starving Wu-Tang affiliates in the world, and it's time we do our part. What kind of future is there in dying in TLC videos? Let's chip in and get this man an education (and a comb).
"Company Flow the toughest penis sucky sucky"
- El-P from Population Control (1997)
Company Flow is the best Asian prostitute blow job? Man, these guys are just so underground and over my head. I give up...back to Puff Daddy and Will Smith. Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na
"If you don't bring back my mother fuckin money or my mother fuckin dope, you can forget about Christmas nigga, cause you ain't gon even see new years"
- Master P from Do You Know (1998)
I heard No Limit was coming out with a calendar soon. They'd better have Mercedes' ass up in the air for every month, so no one notices New Years coming before Christmas.
"My paragraph alone is worth 5 mics
A 12 song LP, that's 36 mics!!!"
- Redman from 5 Boroughs (1999)
While thinking of a caption for this quote, I couldn't figure out whether to make fun of his bad math, or the fact that 5 and 36 don't rhyme. After nearing meltdown, I've concluded that this lyric is wack beyond the realm of human explanation. It appears we have a stalemate Reggie Noble. But I promise, we WILL meet again!
"Never let me slip, cause if I slip, then I'm slippin"
- Dr. Dre from Nuthin' But a 'G' Thang (1992)
The early 90's were rough for hip-hop. In a time of low-riders, hitting switches, and studio gangsters, the West Coast was in need of a socially relevant lyricist. Enter Andre Young. As poignant as he is clever, Dr. Dre offers his insightful perspective on the black experience like no other. I'm not sure why he insists on letting inferior lyricists, such as Eminem and Jay-Z, ghostwrite some of his recent projects, when it's obvious that he could outshine either of them at a moment's notice. Perhaps he has become bored with his own genius.
"I predicted I'ma die squeezin, thuggin through the 5 seasons"
- Capone on You Can't Kill Me (2000)
Five seasons? Hmmmmmm. Let's see, Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall, and...ah yes, WABBIT SEASON. Elmer Thug in this bitch.
"You wanna see how far I'ma go
How much but you already know...
Zip zero, stingy with dinero
Might buy you Crys, but that about it
Might light your wrist, but that about it
Fuck it, I might wife you and buy you nice whips"
- Jay-Z from I Just Wanna Love You (2000)
See, my nigga Jig won't spend a dime on a broad, except for some jewelry and a couple cars. That nigga raw! You can't be out here catering to these hoes' every need...you gotta be hard on 'em. I remember one time, I had a little yamp, and I didn't spend a penny on her. Yeah, I bought her a 3-story mansion for her and her friends, but that bitch wanted me to buy her furniture too. I said "Get your own, trick! What I look like, some kinda simp" Can you believe the nerve of these hoes?
"Whats Next, whats N-X-E-T"
- Warren G from What's Next (1994)
It's too bad he grew up surrounded by music. It seems Warren had a promising career as a Vice President.
"niggaz in the Bronx call me Lex cause I push a Lex
and I rock a Rolex and I lounge on Lex"
- Peter Gunz from Déjà vu (Uptown Baby) (1998)
Shut the fuck up.
"You won't be around next year"
- Craig Mack from Flava in your Ear (1994)
This lyric is either a brutally honest introspection, or the greatest example of irony in hip-hop history. You be the judge.
"I can double my density
From 360 degrees to 720 instantly
6 multiplied by 5, by 4, by 3, by 2, then 1
G'head and calculate the sum"
- Canibus from Funkmaster Flex Freestyle (1998)
If you measured density by degrees, wouldn't that be fun?
And what if multiplying numbers really gave you a sum?
It's Nigganometry!
This was actually a skit called "Nigganometry 2" from Canibus' latest album, but it was taken off because it didn't suck enough.
"I'm a sucker for cornrows and manicured toes"
- Nelly from E.I. (2000)
You can't manicure toes, only fingers. You'd pedicu-- wait... unless... oh my god. Nelly fucks monkeys! A pop star with an ape fetish...how embarrassing. Could this be the highly publicized Ebay rumor that Nelly mentioned on "#1"? Monkey fucker.
"38 revolve like the sun around the earth"
- Jay-Z from It's Hot (1999)
Some people might view this as a clumsy disregard for physics, but it's deeper than that. You see, most rappers that act conceited would suggest that the world revolves around them, but Jay-Z's so advanced that he thinks the entire universe revolves around his world. That's sheer brilliance! Okay, it's just a clumsy disregard for physics. C'mon Jay, use your... BRAAAAAAAAAAIIIIN.
"wet a nigga like umbrellas"
- Lil Wayne from Fuck Wit Me Now (2000)
W'zannin lil' whodi. What happen when you cross a trill azz ganxta with a mufuckin billionaire? You get a Y2K gorilla, my nigga. We find new ways to kill you haters, like drownin' a nigga in a empty pool in the dessert wearin' a platinum life jacket, ya heard me. CMR 4 Life nigguh!
-----here's a few more:
How bout this classic from Nice N Smooth:
"Dizzy Gillespie played the Sax"
Wrong. He played the trumpet.
"I'm your worse nightmare squared, thats double for niggas who ain't mathematically aware.."
- cannibus and Common
