An already dimmed light going dark

[Farzin]

Once shone so beautiful and bright
Strained by a very dark plight
Parts are lost when reflected
The source of all life
Slowly fading into the dim
No light at the end of the tunnel
All you can hear is him mumble
Damage’s been done, too late for him
The light has gone dark and silent
It’s over; no need to be frightened
Nobody understood or made sense
He’s slowly ascending with suspense
If you don’t notice the light is dimmed
How can you fix it, no rescue to embark
An already dimmed light gone dark



I replied to a lot of other threads. As many as i could but unfortunatly most of them are soo old :-(.

 

[The.Menace]

I love structure, the first part doesn't rhyme at one point and since the rest of the peace rhymes, it kinda disturbs me. The last part is rhymes clever in my opinion, creativ. The msg itself...you jump around a lil, can't follow sometimes - then again, maybe I'm just high,

 

[Farzin]

Hehe yea i was planing on making it all rhyme but the beginning part just came out the way it did and i didnt want to change it arround just for the sake of making it rhyme.

The msg is about suicide reflected in light. You could say life = light. First everything is great and going well and then things dont go too well and its slowly dimming. And then the light goes dark and silent completely which mens he kills himself and that becomes apparent when he ascends with suspense because he couldnt wait to move on to the afterlife. And at the end i am trying to say that if you dont notice someone's in that mind state it could be already too late.

But thanks for the feedback dude.

 

[Jocka]

i liked the structure myself. It seemed a little weird to me.. maybe i read it wrong lol it was a little morbid (but thats my kind of stuff). I liked it though.

 

[KJ1]

deep poem.... kept it short and to the point.... death is an interesting subject that often refer to when i write