Thses are funny, well made me laugh anyway!
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods.
Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it.
If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of
another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD
viewers by going to the loo before the film starts.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the
time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid
having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog t*rds in
the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy
night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine
before going to bed to remove the stains.
SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court
martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up
and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your
right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby
mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately
tossing half the CVs into the bin.
MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up
the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down
three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity,
try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the
impression that a very small horse is approaching.
BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing
something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you,
beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should
help the car start and send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by
simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom
when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view.
All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry
for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone
whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell
and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by
standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping,
looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by
popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from
your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your
wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming
from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at
retail prices.
McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour
so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods.
Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it.
If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of
another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD
viewers by going to the loo before the film starts.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the
time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid
having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog t*rds in
the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy
night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine
before going to bed to remove the stains.
SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court
martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up
and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your
right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby
mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately
tossing half the CVs into the bin.
MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up
the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down
three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity,
try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the
impression that a very small horse is approaching.
BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing
something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you,
beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should
help the car start and send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by
simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom
when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view.
All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry
for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone
whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell
and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by
standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping,
looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by
popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from
your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your
wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming
from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at
retail prices.
McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour
so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows
