The curse and gift of life

[Farzin]

I wrote this verse a long long long time ago it was the first thing i had ever written.


Born with the gift and the curse of life
Torn apart without light left inside
But who needs it when darkness prevails
Cut the bullshit , admit the ship has sailed
Hope is now a word without a meaning
God let us grow but the devil planted the semen
Stop the charade and lets prepare for hell
Cuz we aint welcome in heaven like they tell
Much of my views changed when I opened my eyes
Love? Psh it’s a game full of lies with a high price
You don’t hear me tho all you do is speed up your demise
Some say it’s a game full of twists and surprises
But lets sit back and think about it for a minute
If it was a game there would be a chance to win it
The brightest or strongest would find a way out
Could it be that there aint no way out?
Good to see that you agree with me and if you don’t
Could you at least shut the fuck up and hear me out
Wont it be wise to to hear all sides before judging?
Don’t be lying and say yes cuz I know you’re bluffin
There aint no justice left in this world to go by
All that’s left is to live but I’d rather die



oops i think this should go into show your flow so please move it.

 

[ImmortalTech]

its a nice peice for ur first peice. I know its definitely way better than my first peice, which i dont have laying around anymore, and if if did, i'd prbably be too embarassed to share it haha.

But uhh, seeing that this is ur first peice, u've probably already worked on the weaknesses in this verse, but I'll point out some of the things i noticed can be improved:

1) try using some more internal rhyming and multi's
2) try and work on a wider rhyme scheme. (ie dont always just have a word that rhymes at the end)
3) sometimes its nice to stick to the traditional rhyme for 2 lines, and then switch, and rhyme for 2 lines, but it also gets boring.

(i wanted to smoke a spliff,
so i holla'd at jay to grab some piff,
after i got ripped i started to kick some rhymes,
called it a freestyle, but i was using busta's lines
etc.)

4) I noticed the rhyming was also a lil loosely based like Demise and Surprises, life and inside, judging and bluffing, etc.

... any ways those are just some things i noticed, I'm sure you've corrected alot of that, seeing that was ur first peice. And like I said thats great for a first verse, its original and consistent. Nice work, keep writing.

~peace

 

[Farzin]

Haha yea it does lack a lot of the basic structures.

That was a great analysis tho man. Really appreciate it.

I really havent written anything after that other than some poetry'ish stuff that i have posted in Poetic Justice.

When i wrote this verse it was a spur of the moment thing. I didnt give it much thought.

Anyways thanks for the feedback.