So It Seems

[Synful*Luv]

on the outside it seems

seems to be that I have it all figured out.

seems like I know what i'm doing with few doubts

but I am not, nearly as certain as I seem to be

because

i don't even know if I still want a We.

and I

was just a semester or so away from grad u ating

and now

i'm not in school been on break for what feels like an eternity

so I just want to wait and get a job that does right by me

because

Chase was crooked and Cintas didn't treat us right by any means

so I'm

temp'ing now because I want to finish my degree

before it's

too late and life speeds right past me

and I had

planned on buying a condo in Santo Domingo by the Sea

but then money got ghost and left me and the realtors waiting

so now i'm

lost

in the whirlwind of life trying to remember how to breathe

and someone

took a knife and severed my ties with being

an independent, strong secure woman.

but

you don't know that because

you.

don't.

know.

me.

and if

you took the time, took just a few moments to see

who I

really am beneath this facade even i'm forced to believe

you'd see i'm just a sad lost girl

walking on a path not yet found

reaching for goals not yet achieved

yearning for home on an island not ready for me

and wanting a system that does right by me

and to see more Afro-Latinos in the media when I turn on my TV

and a better way of life than this pretending appears to be

but who am I to say...that this pretend girl isn't me

Or so it seems

 

[The.Menace]

wow, that's a strange piece... nice story tellin, a bit chaotic but somehow catchy if you are in the right mood I guess, .... over all I like it and I usually love structure, so good job.

 

[Farzin]

I'll be honest i didnt like it very much. Mainly because there was a lot of unnecessary information in it and therefore it took away shine from the poem as a whole. It's like an album with good singles but bad fillers. The last part after "you. dont. know. me." was very nice tho. If i can suggest something. Try to write in third person next time you want to write something and try not to jump all over the place with what you want to say. Stick with a message.

 

[Ivory$horty]

Well girl....I liked it. I've been ghost for a while, but I'm glad to see that you're still writing. Was really feeling the whole structure of this piece...there was a lot of emotion and thinking behind this poem, I could feel it. This part was my fav....

so now i'm

lost

in the whirlwind of life trying to remember how to breathe

and someone

took a knife and severed my ties with being

an independent, strong secure woman.

but

you don't know that because

you.

don't.

know.

me.

and if

you took the time, took just a few moments to see

who I

really am beneath this facade even i'm forced to believe

you'd see i'm just a sad lost girl

walking on a path not yet found

Really deep and beautiful. I hope you find your way.

 

[KJ1]

never seen that type of poem before but it was from the heart and you cant go wrong like that..... fine by me

 

[Synful*Luv]

I'll be honest i didnt like it very much. Mainly because there was a lot of unnecessary information in it and therefore it took away shine from the poem as a whole. It's like an album with good singles but bad fillers. The last part after "you. dont. know. me." was very nice tho. If i can suggest something. Try to write in third person next time you want to write something and try not to jump all over the place with what you want to say. Stick with a message.

I try to use a type of structure in my poems that tells people how they should read it. I like to know that people are reading my poetry the same way that i'm writing it. It was a personal piece and being in third person would've taken away from that. It would've made it foreign instead of making it mines. And just wondering, how can information in a poem all leading to the same story be unnecessary? I really don't understand that. Can you explain it to me please?

 

[Synful*Luv]

never seen that type of poem before but it was from the heart and you cant go wrong like that..... fine by me

Yeah, i've been trying out different free form styles.

 

[Jocka]

wow expressing the lost emotion nicely. The poem is like an easy drop of a daily thought from the mind of the average person (aside from hoping to see more afro-latinos. I can admit i never had that thought ) Loved the poem though