Rape Victims who blame themselves... how can one help?

[Salar]

Hey people
over the weekend i met up with one of my old friends and we were just hanging out and talking heaps. I started going into my analysis mood and i realised that she's a very scared person afraid of commitment and making decisions, taking responsibility etc etc. She hides behind a smile but deeper something had happened. I didn't push because she was getting all frustrated and defensive. But as the weekend progressed she began to open up more and more.
She tells me how 2 years ago she was at her friends house very drunk when she decided to go to bed, and later on in the night someone walks in and rapes her despite her kicking and screaming. She knows who it was but wouldn't tell me which is quite understandable. Anyway, she's got this whole thing bottled up inside her, laughs it off appears to be this strong girl but it really does affect her. The other thing i noticed was that she blames herself for it. She says it's her fault she should have locked the door, she should have done this, she put herself in a position to be like that etc etc etc. I tried to make her realise that it's not her fault but she wouldn't have any of it.
She operates day to day with the burden on her shoulders. Hiding behind the smile... making nobody think twice about it. She's even seen him at times but doesn't see him in fault... she blames herself completely. And it is affecting her. It's not as easy as saying get over it, move on, there's light at the end of the tunnel, keep your head up or anything like that... because she's avoiding the issue and she's functioning normally, just holding herself back from reaching her full potential. Are there any websites or any thing that can assist me in helping her out. I know there's no one night cure... and i know it's a process... She knows she needs help, but she doesn't know what to do. And she doesn't see the help in a psychologist either... i went down that path but she was quick to shut off again.
Anyway, any help appreciated!

 

[Get In The Van I Have Candy]

She needs help plain and simple. Suppressing what happened to her is not healthy and it will probably will eat her inside for the rest of her life. She should seek advise be it a psychologist, mentor, priest, ect. Also she needs to report it to the police. That will be the final step for her to get throught it. I don't know the statues of limitations over there where you live, but he should pay. Also remember to be on her side through it all because if she does decide to do something about it, it will be a long ordeal.

 

[S O F I]

You could do a three way kind of thing among you, her, and a psychologist that she's not aware of. You'd let her open up to you, then consult a psych about what she has told you, and the psych might be able to help you help her. Otherwise, I have no clue. I don't know of any websites and such.

 

[Helena]

some websites that may help
http://www.ibiblio.org/rcip/invuln.html
http://www.medic8.com/healthguide/articles/survivesexassault.html

 

[Butt Rubber]

just let her live her life bottling things up, its healthy.

 

[Valeoz]

Just be a friend. There is nothing more easier and effective that you could possibly do. If you can make her laugh and smile by being a friend, do you really think she is going to hide behind it? No, I wouldn't think so. Why would she hide behind something that she actually needs? You may be giving her a piece of the cure and you wouldn't even realize it.

Don't go too far. It almost seems your making her burden your burden. There is nothing wrong with helping, but being too empathetic can lead to over-patronizing, which is not safe.

Also, how much help does she actually need? I've met women in similar situations where some need more help than others and some don't need help at all. If you really want to help her, you need to KNOW her.


One more thing:
Are these assumptions or actual fact?

just holding herself back from reaching her full potential

She operates day to day with the burden on her shoulders. Hiding behind the smile... making nobody think twice about it.

Also, do you actually know these things about her? I'm asking because I, myself, am curious to know what is her full potential. You have to know these things for sure, from her, to really help.

 

[Salar]

Helena, your articles are helping heaps...

everything i said i drew out of her last night. Because before this i ask her... are you happy with who you are?
she's like "no, not at all"

There was so much said and done.
Her full potential... right now nobody gets close. when people get too close she pushes them away (she says this... i see this). her views on love, relationships and all that are twisted. She doesn't beleive she can be loved.
And she does hide behind a smile... she trys to forget... pretend as if nothing happened. and until recently she hasn't even considered how it's affecting her on daily basis.
And the most painful thing to watch is her being convinvced it's her fault. And her thinking that she put her self in a position that made "guys do what guys just do"

 

[Valeoz]

are you happy with who you are?
she's like "no, not at all"

Did you also ask her, Who is she? and Who does she expect to be? If you haven't you could learn alot this way. Requires straight forward answers.

Her full potential... right now nobody gets close. when people get too close she pushes them away (she says this... i see this). her views on love, relationships and all that are twisted. She doesn't beleive she can be loved.

OK... Her full potential on intimacy.

And she does hide behind a smile... she trys to forget... pretend as if nothing happened. and until recently she hasn't even considered how it's affecting her on daily basis.

I'm curious, like how?

And the most painful thing to watch is her being convinvced it's her fault. And her thinking that she put her self in a position that made "guys do what guys just do"

This is something she should see a professional about.

 

[Salar]

i did ask her. She didn't really give me straight answers. Just said she didn't want to be who she is.
No... not just intimacy. There's more to it... hard to explain.
why are you so curious. How has it affected her? She only realised last night her decision to move to another state was purely because of that... there is more... but she's agreed to go for a drive with me and for us to talk some more... which is good.
And as for her getting help... i'm trying. See blaming her self makes her feel as if nothing wrong happened to her (in a crazy sense) so nothing was wrong so she doesn't need help about anything. Sometimes it's just easier to blame ourselves because we're blinding ourself with the blanket of our own shame/guilt.