*Merged* - The Ten Greatest Drunks - part. 1
The Ten Greatest Drunks
If there are two universal truths in this world, it is this: everyone loves lists, and everyone loves booze. With this in mind, I have spent many exhaustive hours drinking and researching to present to you, dear CollegeHumor readers, The 10 Greatest Drunks of All-Time:
10 - Babe Ruth
While Barry Bonds had to inject cow hormones into his ass in order to play better baseball, George Herman Ruth just got drunk. Beer and hookers were all the steroids the Babe needed to leave every other baseball player in his big, fat wake. After winning a drinking contest and bedding four women at once, the Babe would stagger to the field on-time, play a double-header, and smack a game-winner out of the park while eating a hot-dog. Obviously, that's what makes him one of the greatest drunks of all time. Favorite drink: Keg of Falstaff.
09 - Al Bundy
You had to feel for Al Bundy. Destined for greatness after scoring four touchdowns in one game for Polk High, he ended up married to a big red menace of a wife, living next to a piercing shrew of a neighbor, and supporting his mincing nerd of a son, and witless bimbo of a daughter. For Al, the perfect ending to a hard day of selling women's shoes was relaxing on the can with a six pack and a copy of Big 'Uns. How can you not respect that? Favorite drink: Free beer.
08 - Winston Churchill
Winston Churchill was drunk for the entirety of World War II, leading England through the German blitzkrieg with a snifter in one hand and a cigar in the other. Nothing fazed him. The secret to his unwavering resolve? The spirits. Booze wins wars, and Churchill proved it. Anyone who can get tanked while fending off tanks is a king among men. In terms of sheer accomplishment, Winston Churchill is probably the greatest drunkard in recorded history. Favorite drink: Wine with breakfast.
07 - Janis Joplin
Janis Joplin deserves a spot among this company of men. What she lacked in the refinery of other great female drunks like Zelda Fitzgerald and Dorothy Parker, she made up for with pure balls. This frizzy haired Medusa could out drink most men in her life, and earned an infamous reputation for not wearing any makeup on stage. She also looked like an auto mechanic. Janis lived fast, died young and let the boys take care of her tab. Favorite drink: Bourbon.
06 – John Belushi
Two words: Bluto Blutarsky – the iconic character of Animal House played by John Belushi is quite possibly the greatest performance put on film by any actor, ever. As his SNL cast mates will attend, John Belushi was a whirling dervish of narcotics and comedy. I would like to see Sir Lawrence Olivier convince me he’s a zit by popping mashed potatoes out his mouth. Not happening. All hail the king. Favorite drink: Jack from the bottle.
The Ten Greatest Drunks
If there are two universal truths in this world, it is this: everyone loves lists, and everyone loves booze. With this in mind, I have spent many exhaustive hours drinking and researching to present to you, dear CollegeHumor readers, The 10 Greatest Drunks of All-Time:
10 - Babe Ruth
While Barry Bonds had to inject cow hormones into his ass in order to play better baseball, George Herman Ruth just got drunk. Beer and hookers were all the steroids the Babe needed to leave every other baseball player in his big, fat wake. After winning a drinking contest and bedding four women at once, the Babe would stagger to the field on-time, play a double-header, and smack a game-winner out of the park while eating a hot-dog. Obviously, that's what makes him one of the greatest drunks of all time. Favorite drink: Keg of Falstaff.
09 - Al Bundy
You had to feel for Al Bundy. Destined for greatness after scoring four touchdowns in one game for Polk High, he ended up married to a big red menace of a wife, living next to a piercing shrew of a neighbor, and supporting his mincing nerd of a son, and witless bimbo of a daughter. For Al, the perfect ending to a hard day of selling women's shoes was relaxing on the can with a six pack and a copy of Big 'Uns. How can you not respect that? Favorite drink: Free beer.
08 - Winston Churchill
Winston Churchill was drunk for the entirety of World War II, leading England through the German blitzkrieg with a snifter in one hand and a cigar in the other. Nothing fazed him. The secret to his unwavering resolve? The spirits. Booze wins wars, and Churchill proved it. Anyone who can get tanked while fending off tanks is a king among men. In terms of sheer accomplishment, Winston Churchill is probably the greatest drunkard in recorded history. Favorite drink: Wine with breakfast.
07 - Janis Joplin
Janis Joplin deserves a spot among this company of men. What she lacked in the refinery of other great female drunks like Zelda Fitzgerald and Dorothy Parker, she made up for with pure balls. This frizzy haired Medusa could out drink most men in her life, and earned an infamous reputation for not wearing any makeup on stage. She also looked like an auto mechanic. Janis lived fast, died young and let the boys take care of her tab. Favorite drink: Bourbon.
06 – John Belushi
Two words: Bluto Blutarsky – the iconic character of Animal House played by John Belushi is quite possibly the greatest performance put on film by any actor, ever. As his SNL cast mates will attend, John Belushi was a whirling dervish of narcotics and comedy. I would like to see Sir Lawrence Olivier convince me he’s a zit by popping mashed potatoes out his mouth. Not happening. All hail the king. Favorite drink: Jack from the bottle.
