Saturday, May 21, 2005
A state of mind like no other
Current mood: Peculiar
I've been having this weird feeling today which i can't really explain. It's like de je vou. As if everything has happened before in some parallel world or something or rather. A conversation with someone feels weird. It's as if I’m there physically but spiritually I’m beyond. It's like I’m having an outer-body experience. Everything is happening so fast around me that i don't even notice. Everything around me has become surreal and imaginary; the walls, the people, smells and even noise. I can't explain why it feels like this but I just feel it. I've been dumbfounded analysing it because even my analysis seems surreal. It's as if I’m n a dream. A dream in which I’m still conscience in… I'm in a lucid dream which i can't wake from. In a sense I’m in a reality which is but a dream. Everything’s happening and I’m aware, but I feel as if my spirit or soul is above it all. I can't explain if it's a good feeling or if it's bad. What i do feel is... nothing. Pure nothingness... There's nothing and Nirvana is meh.... I'm not suggesting that it's nirvana but what i'm feeling is simply empty and all emotions are vague and unclear. It doesn't bother me but it somehow does my head in. It's not that I’m thinking about it but I’m just in it so my brain is overwhelmed with this sensation of nothingness. My mind is in an oblivious state which i can't comprehend. It's a clear glass with water that falls right through never filling the glass. So is the water there? Is it a climax of mind? Is it peace? The more I try to reason, the less reason makes sense. The less i think about it, the deeper I fall into this surreal-ness. There is no escape.
I enjoy it now... because how deep can i go? Is it peace at mind? Nothing makes sense yet it doesn't need to. It's good the way it is. I open up my hands in front of my eyes as i write this and I move my fingers.... It feels weightless. It's like i can see motion and i feel like I’m under water... everything fast above me, but slow motion inside of me. I'm not on any drugs yet my mind is as open as it can be under the influence of all drugs. The world's passing by and I don't care. Why is this happening? I am the shadow that follows me and I do exist in darkness, hiding underneath other shadows. I am the halo and thorns on my head, the instinct that guides humans. I am what I am yet nothing is stopping me from being whoever I want to be.
Despite everything that is happening and time passing, i notice details in things I have never noticed. The soft waves of the carpet, the paint strokes on the wall, the light reflection on every molecule in my desk. I see through things... The history of it all is somehow now significant. I look at my hands again and the entire history since my birth can be seen in my hands. My fingerprints on everything do not matter but the prints of everything else my hands have touched have been embedded beneath its skin. I don't leave marks, but the marks are left on me like a tattoo. I breathe in and out and the smells that we ignore come swarming through my flared nostrils. Nothing is what it seems. Everything seems to be following patterns and everything upholds some sort of beauty. I fell like I’ve been born again, yet i feel like i am dead and impassive. Nothing make's sense... it doesn't have to. A piece of string on the carpet seems to be swirled up in a manner which is significant to everything else in the world. Where am i? What is this? I don't need explanations
I'm letting my hands type and it’s as if the computer is off. Tomorrow this page is blank, and throughout my entire life I’ve been trying to write this.... I've experienced this before, but all evidence of it ever happening is erased the moment I shut my eyes to sleep. Nobody is reading this, it doesn't exist.
