Today, I found out my teacher writes descriptions next to people's names on the register to remind him who people were. By mistake the descriptions appeared on the computer projector. Next to my name it said "Tubby". FML
Today, I shook hands with a girl and held onto her hand while telling her she had very tiny, delicate hands. When I let go to look at them, I discovered she only had two fingers. FML
Today, I lit a cigarette in the opposite direction of the wind. My hair blew into it, and caught on fire. FML
Today, I'm in Spain, and told the kids I will be working with that I was excited to be working with them. Only the form of excitement I used apparently refers to sexual excitement. Basically, I told the kids I was sexually aroused to be working with them. FML
Today, I found out that when I masturbate at night while watching internet porn I cast a huge shadow on the curtain and the entire street is able to see it. FML
Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting. FML
Today, I was at the airport trying to help a man get to the right terminal. When he finished he turned to tell me "Don't worry, your English is pretty good, considering you're not American". English is my only language. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I broke up. I said that at least I was always there for him when he needed me. He said "When did I need you?" FML
Today at work, a man walked up the escalator with his chubby kid next to him and asked me where the kids shoes were. I said, "For you or your son?" He says, "For my daughter." FML
Today, I went to a movie with my boyfriend. In the lobby, I asked why the glasses were not working. I said, "Do they only work inside the theater?" My boyfriend replied, "3-D glasses just work inside the movie, everything else in the World is pretty much 3-D." FML
Today, when I tried on a pair of pants at the mall, I asked the salesperson if I could have the next size up. She informed me that there wasn't a next size up. I have to LOSE weight to fit into the biggest pair of pants the store makes. FML
Today, I greeted my table (I'm a server) with a colloquial "Hey there, guys, how's it going?" The customers were three butch lesbians who thought I was incorrectly identifying their gender. I received no tip (on a $35 bill), and they registered a corporate complaint about my "insensitivity." FML
Today, I got a text message. It said, "I'm so drunk. What you up to, girl?" It was my dad. FML
