Are You Lonely?

[Jokerman]

(I know this is a little long, but I go over history, aliens, Pyramids, Atlantis, crystals, colonics, and explain it all, so I hope you read on.)

Are you lonely?

Before you answer that, you should know what I mean by it. But first, what I don’t mean. I don’t mean do you feel lonely right now. And I don’t mean feeling lonely at certain times, as when someone close to you dies or you’re rejected by someone you like, and so on. Transient loneliness is so common, in fact, that we simply accept it as part of life. I’m also not asking if you spend a lot of time alone. We all need time to ourselves and most artistic or scientific endeavors may involve long stretches of solitude. People who are unable to tolerate solitude for any length of time are often judged to be needy or neurotic.

We can all slip in and out of loneliness. Loneliness becomes an issue of serious concern when it settles in long enough to create a persistent, self-reinforcing loop of negative thoughts and behaviors. So what I mean by loneliness is social isolation. The subjective feelings of isolation, not the physical reality. Whether you’re at home with your family, working in a crowded office, touring Disneyland, or sitting alone somewhere, do you feel disconnected from everyone? Out of tune with the people around you? Do you often feel that you’re no longer close to anyone? That no one really knows you well? That there’s no one you can really turn to?

If you can say you often feel or think like that, or even sometimes, then you are lonely. And if you often feel this way, but it doesn’t really bother you that much because you’ve accepted this as your situation, who you are, maybe even special because of it, and so you don’t think of yourself as “lonely,” then you’re really deep into a state of loneliness.

With that in mind, now answer the question. Are you lonely?

Or, to make it easier, does that describe how you feel often, sometimes, rarely, or never? Elaborate as you wish. If I get a good response, I'll tell why it's a big problem and what can be done.

 

[masta247]

I like your post.

To answer your question - I think than in the past I had more closer people. Now I think many of my past friends don't know me that well . I often socialise with people but none of them really knows me that well too, on the other hand I no longer socialise with people who used to know me really well.
I have a few mates and people in my family who know a lot about me tho. I also consider myself a "mysterious" and quite quiet person so even in long term relationships my girlfriends found out new things about me after a long time and still there were many things about my person they were yet to discover. I'm not sure if I'm lonely by your definition. It's not bad but come to think of it, it used to be much better. I blame being more serious and me and my friends having less time (not partying and drinking with people that much any more)

 

[Euphanasia]

(I know this is somewhat long, but I go over history, aliens, Pyramids, Atlantis, crystals, colonics, and explain it all, so I hope you read on.)

Are you lonely?

Before you answer that, you should know what I mean by it. But first, what I don’t mean. I don’t mean do you feel lonely right now. And I don’t mean feeling lonely at certain times, as when someone close to you dies or you’re rejected by someone you like, and so on. Transient loneliness is so common, in fact, that we simply accept it as part of life. I’m also not asking if you spend a lot of time alone. We all need time to ourselves and most artistic or scientific endeavors may involve long stretches of solitude. People who are unable to tolerate solitude for any length of time are often judged to be needy or neurotic.

We can all slip in and out of loneliness. Loneliness becomes an issue of serious concern when it settles in long enough to create a persistent, self-reinforcing loop of negative thoughts and behaviors. So what I mean by loneliness is social isolation. The subjective feelings of isolation. Whether you’re at home with your family, working in a crowded office, touring Disneyland, or sitting alone somewhere, do you feel disconnected from everyone? Out of tune with the people around you? Do you often feel that you’re no longer close to anyone? That no one really knows you well? That there’s no one you can really turn to?

If you can say you often feel or think like that, or even sometimes, then you are lonely. And if you often feel this way, but it doesn’t really bother you that much because you’ve accepted this as your situation, who you are, maybe even special because of it, and so you don’t think of yourself as “lonely,” then you’re really deep into a state of loneliness.

With that in mind, now answer the question. Are you lonely?

Or, to make it easier, does that describe how you feel often, sometimes, rarely, or never? Elaborate as you wish. If I get a good response, I'll tell why it's a big problem and what can be done.

I also like this post. I believe the answer to your specific question is yes, although it's more than that. I would say that I am lonely in the general sense, but I think it can be better explained as sadness or perhaps hopelessness.

And it's not something that can be seen because I don't show it. I spend a lot of time with family and friends, laughing and socializing and having a great time; that is, I have good days, I have good moments. But that sadness/lonliness/feeling of failure is always there under the surface, so large and omnipresent that even the happiest days and moments cannot be fully celebrated or enjoyed.

So I suppose, probing deeper still, it is not even as much lonliness or even sadness as it is hurt and pain. And I believe it derives from a great number of areas, not merely a single source or a couple of sources. I don't know if it's something that will go away or even if it can go away.

Kind of depressing isn't it? I don't talk about it.

 

[Jokerman]

I would say that I am lonely in the general sense, but I think it can be better explained as sadness or perhaps hopelessness.

People who are in a state of loneliness are usually sad and have a sense of hopelessness, but not everyone who feels that way is lonely. And I don't believe that's your problem, based on how you described it. I think for you it's a sense of failure because maybe you didn't do everything, or you're not everything you thought you should be. Everyone feels it to some extent as they get older. Your longstanding expectation that you would be or achieve something more than you have breeds disappointment and prevents you from appreciating who you are now. And you feel hurt and pain perhaps because you didn't have the support from those around you that you needed to realize your potential.

I don't know if it's something that will go away or even if it can go away.

Sure it can because these feelings are merely a conditioned response. Your conditioned responses act as a firewall to separate you from bliss. Bliss is like purity. No baby is ever born with a negative attitude, but over time fear, psychoses, neuroses, depression, and anxiety develop that give rise to limitations, biases, and prejudices, which are conditioned responses. Fortunately, anything that is a result of conditioning can be reversed.

Ask yourself which of your feelings discourage you. Once you've established that there's a feeling that undermines you, then you have to ask, How did I end up manifesting this? Do I feel that what I have or what I am or what I think or what I do is second-rate? Am i always comparing myself to others or to my own expectations? Why should I do that? Where did that come from? Did my parents compare me to my siblings? Why can't I just accept that whatever I am is me?

The trouble is, we don't question how we become tangled in these emotional critiques. There is a fine line between objective comparison, which is a detached, detailed observation of differences and similarities with no emotional component, and judgmental criticism, which may be severe, hostile, disapproving, faultfinding, and often emotional. If you've been primed from childhood to judge things and people, including yourself, harshly (even if camouflaged by humor), the only way to stop is to become aware of the condemnation. Take notice.

If you were presented with a unique opportunity, would you be prepared to engage it? How many times in life has opportunity arrived, but you weren't prepared so you had to pass? The one thing you can start doing now is to prepare yourself for anything. Take every part of your life that needs sharpening and start honing. Then you're going to create opportunity.

Success in life has more to do with what we must undo or not do than with what we must do. It's about having the courage to release immature notions that make us toxic to ourselves and others.

 

[Chronic]

Ask yourself which of your feelings discourage you. Once you've established that there's a feeling that undermines you, then you have to ask, How did I end up manifesting this? Do I feel that what I have or what I am or what I think or what I do is second-rate? Am i always comparing myself to others or to my own expectations? Why should I do that? Where did that come from? Did my parents compare me to my siblings? Why can't I just accept that whatever I am is me?

The trouble is, we don't question how we become tangled in these emotional critiques. There is a fine line between objective comparison, which is a detached, detailed observation of differences and similarities with no emotional component, and judgmental criticism, which may be severe, hostile, disapproving, faultfinding, and often emotional. If you've been primed from childhood to judge things and people, including yourself, harshly (even if camouflaged by humor), the only way to stop is to become aware of the condemnation. Take notice.

This type of detached thinking is what I call being "enlightened" or perhaps symbolically becoming human. Was this the thread topic or just your advice for Euphanasia?

If I get a good response. I'll tell why it's a big problem and what can be done.

Would a simple yes/no do the trick? I wouldn't know how to elaborate.

 

[Jokerman]

Was this the thread topic or just your advice for Euphanasia?.

It was just my advice for Eupha, but it would be useful to the condition of loneliness, also.

Would a simple yes/no do the trick? I wouldn't know how to elaborate.

By good response, I meant if a bunch of ppl say they feel like this. But, I asked a bunch of questions. Do you feel disconnected from everyone? Out of tune with the people around you? Do you often feel that you’re no longer close to anyone? That no one really knows you well? That there’s no one you can really turn to? Is your answer yes or no to all of them or just some more than others or one particular one? Do you feel a variation of any of those? Also, in what way do you feel like any of them apply to you? That would be an elaboration. (Of course, if one does feel there's nobody one can turn to, then elaborating here could be considered turning to someone and thus be the very thing one feels one can't do :suspicious Whatever you can give.

 

[ill-matic]

It was just my advice for Eupha, but it would be useful to the condition of loneliness, also.

By good response, I meant if a bunch of ppl say they feel like this. But, I asked a bunch of questions. Do you feel disconnected from everyone? Out of tune with the people around you? Do you often feel that you’re no longer close to anyone? That no one really knows you well? That there’s no one you can really turn to? Is your answer yes or no to all of them or just some more than others or one particular one? Do you feel a variation of any of those? Also, in what way do you feel like any of them apply to you? That would be an elaboration. (Of course, if one does feel there's nobody one can turn to, then elaborating here could be considered turning to someone and thus be the very thing one feels one can't do :suspicious Whatever you can give.

Yes. I've labelled myself the "Sad Clown", because on the outside i appear very jovial, bubbly, social, but inside i feel miserable. I don't know, i guess i might be predisposed to this because i found out a few months ago that my mum is taking Prozac. She can be a very, very negative person sometimes.

Though, as i was saying, i fit the mould of your description very well. I have many people who i consider "close" friends, but on the whole, i do not believe that they understand me when i confide to them with my problems or issues. I feel that they do not really care, and offer me some unsubstantial, not well-thought out advice.

I guess that's kind of why i take the opportunity to discuss my issues on this forum, because more often than not, i get much better advice here than i do with my actual friends. I find that a little bit ironic, and very depressing that I can find more understanding and empathy from people who i don't even know than my actual friends. This saddens me.

So yes, I do feel like i'm on my own. Often i won't even bother going to my friends to talk to them about how i feel, but i am happy to be their shoulder to cry on or their ear to listen to their problems. I don't mind that at all. But these days i try to work out my problems on my own instead of going to my friends. I go for long walks and try to work it out on my own.

And i guess to that degree, people do not know me that well. They see the happy looking, social guy who seems content with everything in his life. They see the guy who's fucking around, who looks like he's having a good time. But inside for some reason he feel broken. Empty. Like something is missing.

Everyday i have day dreams of just fucking off somewhere and starting afresh. To escape everyone here and just do it all over. I fantasise about finding a job in new york or in europe and just leeaving this place.

I dont know how to fix it.

 

[Shadows]

Yes. I've labelled myself the "Sad Clown", because on the outside i appear very jovial, bubbly, social, but inside i feel miserable. I don't know, i guess i might be predisposed to this because i found out a few months ago that my mum is taking Prozac. She can be a very, very negative person sometimes.

Though, as i was saying, i fit the mould of your description very well. I have many people who i consider "close" friends, but on the whole, i do not believe that they understand me when i confide to them with my problems or issues. I feel that they do not really care, and offer me some unsubstantial, not well-thought out advice.

I guess that's kind of why i take the opportunity to discuss my issues on this forum, because more often than not, i get much better advice here than i do with my actual friends. I find that a little bit ironic, and very depressing that I can find more understanding and empathy from people who i don't even know than my actual friends. This saddens me.

So yes, I do feel like i'm on my own. Often i won't even bother going to my friends to talk to them about how i feel, but i am happy to be their shoulder to cry on or their ear to listen to their problems. I don't mind that at all. But these days i try to work out my problems on my own instead of going to my friends. I go for long walks and try to work it out on my own.

And i guess to that degree, people do not know me that well. They see the happy looking, social guy who seems content with everything in his life. They see the guy who's fucking around, who looks like he's having a good time. But inside for some reason he feel broken. Empty. Like something is missing.

Everyday i have day dreams of just fucking off somewhere and starting afresh. To escape everyone here and just do it all over. I fantasise about finding a job in new york or in europe and just leeaving this place.

I dont know how to fix it.

This is exactly how i feel.

However the last sentence is a no no for me.

I do fantasize about findind a new job but in the same state because even though i know i feel empty...i JUST know that anywhere else is not the place for me.

San Diego is where my heart is @!

 

[lii]

ive been conditioned from my childhood to not talk much about things im feeling or going through. i try to handle everything myself while keeping a smile on my face. i asked my therapist whats the point of talking about stuff to people, when its not going to fix anything. he said because it makes you feel less lonely. so yes i do feel lonely at times but i know how to feel less lonely now. its a choice i make, to silently suffer or to open up to my bestfriend and feel some comfort. its hard though, to change my own pattern.
he also told me 'depression' is the act of depressing something, feelings. i push down my feelings alot of the time if i feel like im overreacting or being too emotional or overly sensitive. but im learning, and i feel like other people need to learn, to validate those feelings when they arise. we all react to stimulus, like when its summer, we get hot. i dont tell myself theres no reason to be hot. so when ur angry or sad, it doesnt help to push it down and tell yourself to not feel it. the worst thing u can tell someone when theyre worried is 'dont worry about it' because they already are worried, so how does that help? alot of people do that to themselves or others because they never learned from their parents. sometimes all u need is someone to tell you, its ok that you're feeling that, i understand.
but ull only get that if you open up to someone

 

[lii]

i gotta say in response to ill-matics post, i used to have those exact same feelings of wanting to just run away and start off somewhere new. but change of scenery doesnt change you. i moved from a crummy little town to a beautiful house in LA and i felt exactly the same. now i can say the move was positive, because i moved in with a close friend whos a good influence on me and lead me to do a lot of introspection. a fresh start is good when its coupled with self analysis, otherwise its merely a change in location and it wont be long til u wanna leave again. its metaphorical for how u feel internally

 

[bacho2]

Everybody needs a hug in this thread.

Almost everybody feels this way at some point in their life.

 

[Duke]

To answer your specific question, no I don't. Not often do I feel "out of touch" with the people around me or do I worry about myself or who I am. Apart from the odd time of deep contemplation about life, I'm not a worrying person. Of course sometimes I do feel lonely, but that's literal, physical loneliness, not the kind of detached feeling you described. Also, it's always temporary. As in hours and in very rare cases maybe a day.

Interesting topic, though.

 

[Chronic]

Everybody needs a hug in this thread.

Almost everybody feels this way at some point in their life.

And bacho2 apparently needs to learn how to read threads.

Jokerman specifically explained that's not what he meant.

I don’t mean do you feel lonely right now. And I don’t mean feeling lonely at certain times, as when someone close to you dies or you’re rejected by someone you like, and so on. Transient loneliness is so common, in fact, that we simply accept it as part of life.

Anyway...

By good response, I meant if a bunch of ppl say they feel like this. But, I asked a bunch of questions. Do you feel disconnected from everyone? Out of tune with the people around you? Do you often feel that you’re no longer close to anyone? That no one really knows you well? That there’s no one you can really turn to? Is your answer yes or no to all of them or just some more than others or one particular one? Do you feel a variation of any of those? Also, in what way do you feel like any of them apply to you? That would be an elaboration. (Of course, if one does feel there's nobody one can turn to, then elaborating here could be considered turning to someone and thus be the very thing one feels one can't do ) Whatever you can give.

Yes to all questions in a large degree but it's not a case of no longer feeling it but never having felt it. Go!

 

[raywaters11]

"i came in this world by myself, so i dont need no friends, i'd rather have it this way, its okay."

thats the line i find myself repeating over and over when i'm "lonely" or bummed out. i have tons of friends, i'm pretty popular, everyone likes me, but i put up walls so people dont know the real me. i'm a naturally paranoid person, i think everyone is out to stab me in the back or fuck me over in some way. am i lonely? probably. yeah when i'm in public even with a bunch of friends i think 'damn these people dont even know me and they try to act like we're so tight' and it makes me angry, a little sad, etc.

i dont tell anyone all the things i feel, i feel more comfortable confiding in complete strangers than i do confiding in my girlfriend, best friends, and my mom. like i said, i put up walls and nobody has knocked them down yet, its strange but its what i do.

 

[bacho2]

And bacho2 apparently needs to learn how to read threads.

Jokerman specifically explained that's not what he meant.

I read his post and know exactly what he meant superman. I just didn't made a long post to add my opinion because I feel the same as others posted. So in short, I said almost everybody feels that way.

 

[Katarina]

I feel disconnected from everyone around me because lately I've started to realize that no one really cares about anything that I have to say. Everyone around me would much rather talk about themselves than listen to what's going on with me, so I don't even really bother anymore. If I do tell people something about myself, they won't remember it the next time they see me. This is not just people I meet every now and then, it's everyone, my mom, my dad, my boyfriend... It doesn't matter how many new people I meet, it's the same with everyone. No one cares about anything.

 

[Bender]

I am not alone in understanding loneliness. I like my business endeavours to be left alone, my money, my work, career etc when I am not alone I am off doing other shit, and people interfere. when people interfere in my life that's when I am less alone, and people love to interfere in other peoples lives. its called in-ter-action.

 

[Jokerman]

I feel disconnected from everyone around me because lately I've started to realize that no one really cares about anything that I have to say. Everyone around me would much rather talk about themselves than listen to what's going on with me, so I don't even really bother anymore. If I do tell people something about myself, they won't remember it the next time they see me. It doesn't matter how many new people I meet, it's the same with everyone. No one cares about anything.

Who cares?

 

[Bender]

^ lol @ your sig

 

[Jokerman]

I fantasize about finding a job in new york..

Most New Yorkers fantasize about that too.