The Crusty Scab Award goes to Isiah Thomas because his self-serving excuses and his truth-bending Pollyanna pronouncements make it so easy for clear-thinking NBA-watchers to pick at him.
The Clark Kent Award goes to Nate Robinson, who really believes that he's Superman.
The Don Imus Award goes to Tim Hardaway for his macho attitude, the resulting loss of employment and his feeble apologies.
The Open-Window Lifetime-Achievement Award is won by Kings GM Geoff Petrie, who, to the utter amazement and disbelief of his peers, exposed Gerald Wallace in the 2004 expansion draft.
The You'd-Be-So-Nice-To-Come-Home-To Award was earned by a recent NBA promotional spot that highlighted the wives of the Dallas Mavericks. Each of the wives was identified as being married to such-and-such a player. The very last image in the procession, however, was presented with no identification and with no break in the continuity — leaving the distinct impression that one of the Mavs had wed the Phoenix Gorilla.
The Copernicus Award goes to Bonzi Wells, who thinks that the entire universe revolves around him.
The Descartes Award goes to Damon Jones, whose mantra is: I think, therefore I think I'm better than I am.
The Tonya Harding Award is presented to Vladimir Radmanovic for brilliantly performing the difficult quadruple-axel-with-flop on his very first attempt.
The Moves-His-Lips-While-Reading Award is presented to Karl Malone, who, after a lengthy NBA career of not being able to distinguish Xs from Os, is on the verge of being signed as an assistant coach at his alma mater, Louisiana Tech.
The Monopoly Award is sponsored by the Parker Brothers in conjunction with Community Chest. It consists of 14 karat gold, engraved GET OUT OF JAIL FREE cards presented to Ron Artest and Jamaal Tinsley. The presenter is O.J. Simpson.
The Doctor Kildare Award goes to Danny Fortson, who's missed over 60 games this season for various suspensions, and also for maladies that ranged from an injured knee to a toothache. However, even when he claimed to be healthy, Fortson continued to be a pain in the keister.
Now a bit of history before our next award:
Roy Rubin was hired to coach the Sixers in 1972, and here's what happened when he first spoke to his players during training camp: Rubin presented himself as a strict disciplinarian and forcefully laid down the rules for the upcoming season. He emphasized that there'd be no excuses for any infractions. There'd be a dress code for road trips. No exceptions. There'd be no beer in the locker room. No exceptions. There'd be no smoking in the locker room. No exceptions. Then Freddie Carter raised his hand and said, "But Coach, I've been smoking in the locker room ever since I've been in the league. That's the only way I can calm down and get ready to play."
Rubin didn't blink before saying, "Okay, Freddie, you can smoke. But you're the only one. No exceptions."
The other players knew in a flash that Rubin didn't have a clue. Indeed, he was eventually fired after compiling a record of 4-47.
Past winners of the less-than-prestigious Roy Rubin Award have been Jerry Tarkanian, John Calipari, Lon Keuger, M. L. Carr, Tim Floyd, Bill Cartwright, Don Delany, Gar Heard, Bill Blair, Gene Littles, Brian Winters, Bill Hanzlik, Dick Vitale, Jim Todd and Fred Carter.
Which brings us to this season's recipient: For making the least of the most, the winner is ... Isiah Thomas.
The Dinosaur Award goes to Kevin Willis for having the shortest arms of any player in the league.
The Brontosaurus Award for combining a big body and a big mouth with a small brain goes to Josh Smith.
The Hawthorne Wingo Award for the best name goes to Pops Mensah-Bonsu.
The Little Big Man Award goes to Rasheed Wallace for insufficient rebounding, for dallying on the perimeter, and for shooting only fadeaway jumpers on those rare occasions when he ventures into the pivot.
The Brain Truss Award goes to Ben Wallace for stubbornly insisting that only a bright red elastic band can keep his head in one piece.
The Sub-Cub-Scout Award goes to Adam Morrison for his single-digit salute to his anti-fans in Miami.
The Money-For-Nothing Award goes to Michael Olowokandi.
The Cauliflower McPugg Award is given by unanimous decision to Joey Crawford, who would have retained much of his credibility and his dignity had he challenged Dick Bavetta rather than Tim Duncan.
The Bass-Ackwards Award goes to Jimmy Buss for single-handedly reversing the Lakers' latest attempt to return to respectability by so foolishly spending his daddy's money, and assembling such a sad-sack roster as to make Phil Jackson's Hall-of-Fame talents virtually irrelevant.
pz
The Clark Kent Award goes to Nate Robinson, who really believes that he's Superman.
The Don Imus Award goes to Tim Hardaway for his macho attitude, the resulting loss of employment and his feeble apologies.
The Open-Window Lifetime-Achievement Award is won by Kings GM Geoff Petrie, who, to the utter amazement and disbelief of his peers, exposed Gerald Wallace in the 2004 expansion draft.
The You'd-Be-So-Nice-To-Come-Home-To Award was earned by a recent NBA promotional spot that highlighted the wives of the Dallas Mavericks. Each of the wives was identified as being married to such-and-such a player. The very last image in the procession, however, was presented with no identification and with no break in the continuity — leaving the distinct impression that one of the Mavs had wed the Phoenix Gorilla.
The Copernicus Award goes to Bonzi Wells, who thinks that the entire universe revolves around him.
The Descartes Award goes to Damon Jones, whose mantra is: I think, therefore I think I'm better than I am.
The Tonya Harding Award is presented to Vladimir Radmanovic for brilliantly performing the difficult quadruple-axel-with-flop on his very first attempt.
The Moves-His-Lips-While-Reading Award is presented to Karl Malone, who, after a lengthy NBA career of not being able to distinguish Xs from Os, is on the verge of being signed as an assistant coach at his alma mater, Louisiana Tech.
The Monopoly Award is sponsored by the Parker Brothers in conjunction with Community Chest. It consists of 14 karat gold, engraved GET OUT OF JAIL FREE cards presented to Ron Artest and Jamaal Tinsley. The presenter is O.J. Simpson.
The Doctor Kildare Award goes to Danny Fortson, who's missed over 60 games this season for various suspensions, and also for maladies that ranged from an injured knee to a toothache. However, even when he claimed to be healthy, Fortson continued to be a pain in the keister.
Now a bit of history before our next award:
Roy Rubin was hired to coach the Sixers in 1972, and here's what happened when he first spoke to his players during training camp: Rubin presented himself as a strict disciplinarian and forcefully laid down the rules for the upcoming season. He emphasized that there'd be no excuses for any infractions. There'd be a dress code for road trips. No exceptions. There'd be no beer in the locker room. No exceptions. There'd be no smoking in the locker room. No exceptions. Then Freddie Carter raised his hand and said, "But Coach, I've been smoking in the locker room ever since I've been in the league. That's the only way I can calm down and get ready to play."
Rubin didn't blink before saying, "Okay, Freddie, you can smoke. But you're the only one. No exceptions."
The other players knew in a flash that Rubin didn't have a clue. Indeed, he was eventually fired after compiling a record of 4-47.
Past winners of the less-than-prestigious Roy Rubin Award have been Jerry Tarkanian, John Calipari, Lon Keuger, M. L. Carr, Tim Floyd, Bill Cartwright, Don Delany, Gar Heard, Bill Blair, Gene Littles, Brian Winters, Bill Hanzlik, Dick Vitale, Jim Todd and Fred Carter.
Which brings us to this season's recipient: For making the least of the most, the winner is ... Isiah Thomas.
The Dinosaur Award goes to Kevin Willis for having the shortest arms of any player in the league.
The Brontosaurus Award for combining a big body and a big mouth with a small brain goes to Josh Smith.
The Hawthorne Wingo Award for the best name goes to Pops Mensah-Bonsu.
The Little Big Man Award goes to Rasheed Wallace for insufficient rebounding, for dallying on the perimeter, and for shooting only fadeaway jumpers on those rare occasions when he ventures into the pivot.
The Brain Truss Award goes to Ben Wallace for stubbornly insisting that only a bright red elastic band can keep his head in one piece.
The Sub-Cub-Scout Award goes to Adam Morrison for his single-digit salute to his anti-fans in Miami.
The Money-For-Nothing Award goes to Michael Olowokandi.
The Cauliflower McPugg Award is given by unanimous decision to Joey Crawford, who would have retained much of his credibility and his dignity had he challenged Dick Bavetta rather than Tim Duncan.
The Bass-Ackwards Award goes to Jimmy Buss for single-handedly reversing the Lakers' latest attempt to return to respectability by so foolishly spending his daddy's money, and assembling such a sad-sack roster as to make Phil Jackson's Hall-of-Fame talents virtually irrelevant.
pz
