Once, there was this kind of cult. They started out with just one guy, who wanted an old religion to find its pure roots again. He decided that his god wouldn't want him to be living in absolute decadence while the poor starved, so he went to live in a cave, away from anyone else.
Now his plan spread around a few other guys like him, who were just as unhappy with their city lives. And they went and lived in caves too. Eventually there were hundreds of guys just living in caves, observing a pure and wholesome life without sin.
There was so many, in fact, that the guy who started it all had to divide them into groups, little hermit colonies that lived together. Everything was all good, and our hero even started out rules for them all to follow in their newly formed monasteries. Things like it being sinful to utter a word during dinner.
But that was understandably flawed, and so they started using sign language. Benedict, the first lonely dude, made it a rule for his followers to not eat meat, unless they were ill. But they liked meat, and so started eating in the infirmary.
He made it a rule to not run their lives by financial incentive. But the monks needed some way to fund their monasteries, so they started selling prayers.
That's right, they sold prayers. You see, this cult was Catholicism, and at the time it was the only church worth anything. The kings of the day were far too busy crusading through holy lands and pillaging foreigners to observe the Ten Commandments, and so to rectify their sinful existences they paid monks, the holiest people in the world with a red Bat-Phone to God, to pray for them.
The problem was, so many rich people were slightly remorseful murdering bastards that the monks were raking it in. They got rich as fuck, but not half as rich as the main man, who at the time lived in a place called Avignon in France.
He became the richest man on Earth, with a monastery that looked more like a castle and a vault with a secret removable stone floor that was literally full of gold, jewels and cash. While the people he apparently cared for starved outside.
He was the Pope, God's representative on Earth.
These days, the Popes live in the Vatican, and aren't concerned with money while their subjects suffer. Sorry, what I meant to say was that they are even richer now than ever, and don't give a shit about the poor idiots that starve to death in grubby little holes.
Pope Jean Paul II is dead. He has been for a few weeks, and doesn't appear to be thinking of jumping back up Jesus-style. Then again he couldn't even jump before he died, how would he achieve it now?
Everyone reckons we should all respect him for all of his great "achievements". Yet I'm still waiting for someone to explain what they are.
Sure, he venerated the Jews from the blame of Christ's death. That was nice of him. Except that he only did it to improve the PR of the Catholic church at a time when it has more deserters than the Iraqi Army.
It also isn't a good deed, since the fact that the entire Jewish race was blamed in the first place, thereby leading to two thousand years of constant persecution, bigotry and attempted extermination, was wrong. For a Pope to admit it was wrong is not an achievement and deserves no more praise than a paedophile who finally admits that it wasn't very nice for Peter Sutcliffe to rape children after all. Would we venerate that guy? No, we'd call him a twat for not realising that sooner.
And why should people pray for the Pope? He's a Pope, surely that means he's a cert to reach Heaven? Should we pray for future popes to have easier lives?
Easier lives than a man who had more wealth than anyone, better food than anyone, better healthcare than anyone, better EVERYTHING than anyone, and in return did the occasional walkabout or public address from his castle window?
So goodbye, Jean Paul mark 2, I hope you have fun in Heaven. And while you're there, I'll urge your supposed subjects to pray for some other people that have died recently.
The millions of Africans who have died from AIDS and starvation because the Catholic church, Mother Teresa and Pope Jean Paul II told them that to use life-saving contraception is a sin.
Who shall we pay to pray for the guilt of your crimes?
paradoxicitis@paradoxicitis.com
Now his plan spread around a few other guys like him, who were just as unhappy with their city lives. And they went and lived in caves too. Eventually there were hundreds of guys just living in caves, observing a pure and wholesome life without sin.
There was so many, in fact, that the guy who started it all had to divide them into groups, little hermit colonies that lived together. Everything was all good, and our hero even started out rules for them all to follow in their newly formed monasteries. Things like it being sinful to utter a word during dinner.
But that was understandably flawed, and so they started using sign language. Benedict, the first lonely dude, made it a rule for his followers to not eat meat, unless they were ill. But they liked meat, and so started eating in the infirmary.
He made it a rule to not run their lives by financial incentive. But the monks needed some way to fund their monasteries, so they started selling prayers.
That's right, they sold prayers. You see, this cult was Catholicism, and at the time it was the only church worth anything. The kings of the day were far too busy crusading through holy lands and pillaging foreigners to observe the Ten Commandments, and so to rectify their sinful existences they paid monks, the holiest people in the world with a red Bat-Phone to God, to pray for them.
The problem was, so many rich people were slightly remorseful murdering bastards that the monks were raking it in. They got rich as fuck, but not half as rich as the main man, who at the time lived in a place called Avignon in France.
He became the richest man on Earth, with a monastery that looked more like a castle and a vault with a secret removable stone floor that was literally full of gold, jewels and cash. While the people he apparently cared for starved outside.
He was the Pope, God's representative on Earth.
These days, the Popes live in the Vatican, and aren't concerned with money while their subjects suffer. Sorry, what I meant to say was that they are even richer now than ever, and don't give a shit about the poor idiots that starve to death in grubby little holes.
Pope Jean Paul II is dead. He has been for a few weeks, and doesn't appear to be thinking of jumping back up Jesus-style. Then again he couldn't even jump before he died, how would he achieve it now?
Everyone reckons we should all respect him for all of his great "achievements". Yet I'm still waiting for someone to explain what they are.
Sure, he venerated the Jews from the blame of Christ's death. That was nice of him. Except that he only did it to improve the PR of the Catholic church at a time when it has more deserters than the Iraqi Army.
It also isn't a good deed, since the fact that the entire Jewish race was blamed in the first place, thereby leading to two thousand years of constant persecution, bigotry and attempted extermination, was wrong. For a Pope to admit it was wrong is not an achievement and deserves no more praise than a paedophile who finally admits that it wasn't very nice for Peter Sutcliffe to rape children after all. Would we venerate that guy? No, we'd call him a twat for not realising that sooner.
And why should people pray for the Pope? He's a Pope, surely that means he's a cert to reach Heaven? Should we pray for future popes to have easier lives?
Easier lives than a man who had more wealth than anyone, better food than anyone, better healthcare than anyone, better EVERYTHING than anyone, and in return did the occasional walkabout or public address from his castle window?
So goodbye, Jean Paul mark 2, I hope you have fun in Heaven. And while you're there, I'll urge your supposed subjects to pray for some other people that have died recently.
The millions of Africans who have died from AIDS and starvation because the Catholic church, Mother Teresa and Pope Jean Paul II told them that to use life-saving contraception is a sin.
Who shall we pay to pray for the guilt of your crimes?
paradoxicitis@paradoxicitis.com
