Tribune Co. To Sell Cubs Franchise
Owner couldn’t take losing anymore
Tribune Co. owner, who asked to remain anonymous, has put the team on the market as of last Friday after the Cubs slow start this season. After 99 years of sucking and not winning a World Series, Tribune Co. had had enough. “I mean, come on,” Owner said, “after spending $300-some million dollars we still suck. I could have spent that money on my wife and gotten her a nose, lip, boob, and calf job with that money, and still have enough money to fix the falling concrete at Wrigley.” Owner, though is not alone. “He’s waiting for someone to buy the team?!” General Manager Jim Hendry exclaimed, “Hell, I would have just gotten up and left in the middle of the season. I would have pulled a “Sammy Sosa” and quit on the team before the season was even over.” The ex-Cub idol, Sammy Sosa, may also have something to do with the recent struggles of the team. After leaving early without permission on the last game of the 2004 season, Sammy Sosa caught a lot of flak for doing so. After that season, he was traded to the Baltimore Orioles, where every other washed-up Cub player named Rafael Palmeiro was sent. “I kinda use Sosa as a reason too,” Owner said. “He was with the Cubs for thirteen years. Three plus one equals four, which is how many years it has been since the Cubs have last shown up in the playoffs after that dreadful Game 6 in 2003. See? It all makes sense now!” The cubs have also been outperformed recently by their cross-town rivals, the White Sox, who won the 2005 World Series and have maintained a winning record ever since. “You think if I went on radio and dissed gays and then went on again some time later and had a vulgar tirade with another radio talk show host then we’d have a World Series trophy?” Hendry asked. “Because I will do it. I have made poorer decisions in my life, like signing Nomar and Pierre and still managing to suck.” The North-side of Chicago is home not only to the Cubs but also to a high concentration of homosexuals, commonly referred to as “Boytown.”
We caught up with a Tribune sportswriter who also asked to remain anonymous. “Woohoo, they’re being sold?! Yes, now I don’t have to act like the Cubs have a chance in hell to win the World Series just because I write for the people that own the team. The Cubs aren’t going anywhere. Hey Hendry, I hear you hate birds (a reference to the Cardinals, the Cubs longtime rival). Well, this bird is for you (flips Hendry “the bird”). Go Sox!”
We also managed to get a hold of Sammy Sosa with his new team in Texas and asked him how he felt. We just happened to run into him in the stadium bathroom coming out of a stall…with Mark McGwire. When asked about the Cubs’ recent struggles since his departure, Sosa replied with “It’s ok. I’m happy here in Texas. In Texas, they like everything BIG, so I fit in here.” Sosa quickly washed his hands, dried his hands with a paper towel and shot it perfectly into the waste basket. He did his traditional “home run hop,” flushing every automatic urinal as he went by, opened the door, kissed and tapped his chest and then walked out.
It turned out the Texas Rangers were facing the LA Dodgers that night, so we also managed to get a hold of ex-Cub shortstop, Nomar Garciaparra. When he was asked about the Cubs’ tough times, Nomar replied with this. “Was I really a part of that team? I spent most of the time on the disabled list with a sore hamstring or a torn groin. Plus, they used to make fun of my big nose and call me “Nosemar”. When Sosa was under suspicion of steroids, they asked me to “sniff it out of his locker.” I freakin’ hate that team and hope they never win a World Series again.” Nomar then stroked his goat, which we had not noticed when we first came into the room.
So it seems that the Cubs will have a new home by the end of the 2007 season and it will be interesting to see who is gutsy enough to buy them. Possible owners are Paris Hilton, once she is out of jail, because she thinks the Cubs have a cute logo. Also, President Bush has shown interest saying that he might get bored once he is out of office next year and that he might have the urge to destroy yet another thing with a rich history. However this sticky situation may turn out, it can not possibly be any good news for Cubs fans. Looks like the Cubs will still suck, just under a possible owner who may get to second or third base more often than any of the players will.
i'll tell you something interesting about this later.... once some people have read it...
Owner couldn’t take losing anymore
Tribune Co. owner, who asked to remain anonymous, has put the team on the market as of last Friday after the Cubs slow start this season. After 99 years of sucking and not winning a World Series, Tribune Co. had had enough. “I mean, come on,” Owner said, “after spending $300-some million dollars we still suck. I could have spent that money on my wife and gotten her a nose, lip, boob, and calf job with that money, and still have enough money to fix the falling concrete at Wrigley.” Owner, though is not alone. “He’s waiting for someone to buy the team?!” General Manager Jim Hendry exclaimed, “Hell, I would have just gotten up and left in the middle of the season. I would have pulled a “Sammy Sosa” and quit on the team before the season was even over.” The ex-Cub idol, Sammy Sosa, may also have something to do with the recent struggles of the team. After leaving early without permission on the last game of the 2004 season, Sammy Sosa caught a lot of flak for doing so. After that season, he was traded to the Baltimore Orioles, where every other washed-up Cub player named Rafael Palmeiro was sent. “I kinda use Sosa as a reason too,” Owner said. “He was with the Cubs for thirteen years. Three plus one equals four, which is how many years it has been since the Cubs have last shown up in the playoffs after that dreadful Game 6 in 2003. See? It all makes sense now!” The cubs have also been outperformed recently by their cross-town rivals, the White Sox, who won the 2005 World Series and have maintained a winning record ever since. “You think if I went on radio and dissed gays and then went on again some time later and had a vulgar tirade with another radio talk show host then we’d have a World Series trophy?” Hendry asked. “Because I will do it. I have made poorer decisions in my life, like signing Nomar and Pierre and still managing to suck.” The North-side of Chicago is home not only to the Cubs but also to a high concentration of homosexuals, commonly referred to as “Boytown.”
We caught up with a Tribune sportswriter who also asked to remain anonymous. “Woohoo, they’re being sold?! Yes, now I don’t have to act like the Cubs have a chance in hell to win the World Series just because I write for the people that own the team. The Cubs aren’t going anywhere. Hey Hendry, I hear you hate birds (a reference to the Cardinals, the Cubs longtime rival). Well, this bird is for you (flips Hendry “the bird”). Go Sox!”
We also managed to get a hold of Sammy Sosa with his new team in Texas and asked him how he felt. We just happened to run into him in the stadium bathroom coming out of a stall…with Mark McGwire. When asked about the Cubs’ recent struggles since his departure, Sosa replied with “It’s ok. I’m happy here in Texas. In Texas, they like everything BIG, so I fit in here.” Sosa quickly washed his hands, dried his hands with a paper towel and shot it perfectly into the waste basket. He did his traditional “home run hop,” flushing every automatic urinal as he went by, opened the door, kissed and tapped his chest and then walked out.
It turned out the Texas Rangers were facing the LA Dodgers that night, so we also managed to get a hold of ex-Cub shortstop, Nomar Garciaparra. When he was asked about the Cubs’ tough times, Nomar replied with this. “Was I really a part of that team? I spent most of the time on the disabled list with a sore hamstring or a torn groin. Plus, they used to make fun of my big nose and call me “Nosemar”. When Sosa was under suspicion of steroids, they asked me to “sniff it out of his locker.” I freakin’ hate that team and hope they never win a World Series again.” Nomar then stroked his goat, which we had not noticed when we first came into the room.
So it seems that the Cubs will have a new home by the end of the 2007 season and it will be interesting to see who is gutsy enough to buy them. Possible owners are Paris Hilton, once she is out of jail, because she thinks the Cubs have a cute logo. Also, President Bush has shown interest saying that he might get bored once he is out of office next year and that he might have the urge to destroy yet another thing with a rich history. However this sticky situation may turn out, it can not possibly be any good news for Cubs fans. Looks like the Cubs will still suck, just under a possible owner who may get to second or third base more often than any of the players will.
i'll tell you something interesting about this later.... once some people have read it...
